G1gg1L3s

I've created a masterlist to help you navigate my work!

About me Art nickname - msRhaxoz Discord & Steam - G1gg1L3s She/her, Russia, 23 y.o. ♏︎ I'm an anxious person

Art status comissions - opened trade - no gifts - friends only collabs - primary closed request - depending on the mood Social media twitter (X) ∙ vk ∙ telegram ∙ boosty ∙ furaffinity

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That doesn't mean I'm completely isolated. But I know perfectly well that people come to me for the content I make. I'm just another creator on the internet whether I'm here or not doesn't really matter.

Whenever I burn out the hardest, like I am right now, I usually try to step away from social media instead of dumping all my misery onto it. But this time something really triggered me.

You know, I've lived for years with this constant feeling that I never learned how to do social media "the right way." I don't even have a small group of people who would follow me anywhere, or who would probably miss me if I suddenly disappeared. Maybe it's my own fault? Maybe I just don't know how to connect with people? Or maybe these are just intrusive thoughts that will be gone by tomorrow?

Still... whatever. I'm used to it by now.

What hurts even more is how hard it is to keep creating content for the things I genuinely love. Every fandom I've ever loved for myself has eventually burned out in one way or another. Like, my love for Spy x Sniper from Team Fortress 2, or McCree (now Cole Cassidy) x Hanzo from Overwatch. I never really had anyone to talk to about those ships with. The scariest part is that I don't even remember what it felt like to love McHanzo anymore. I remember the art I made, it's still on my profile, and I remember bits and pieces of the stories, but I don't remember the feeling itself.

Yeah... this is all leading up to the fact that I live with this constant fear when it comes to Raphael and Otto. It's incredibly hard to create content completely on your own. It's exhausting to keep searching for the strength to convince yourself that this time it'll be different. But fuck. I was just standing in the shower crying like an idiot, and I'm crying again now. I'm scared.

But I keep going. I take breaks, I fall apart sometimes, but I keep working on my art. This endless cycle of forcing myself to push through makes me feel like a hamster running on a wheel.

Why!?

Otto is a character I love with all my heart. He has a long, rich story that I continue to expand every single day. There are people who know his name even though I don't know them, and to me, that's a huge achievement. But right now I want to hurt him. I want to put him through unbearable pain.

All because I crossed paths with the wrong person. Someone whose actions left me carrying so much agony that I've begun taking it out on the character I cherish most.

I have so many ideas I haven't brought to life yet, and inspiration is still alive inside me. But the person I used to create shared stories with, the person who gradually drew all of my attention toward them, made me lose sight of my own path. I'm not writing this to accuse anyone. I'm simply sharing that I lost myself and I was deeply hurt.

I truly loved everything I created together with my former friend and everything I made for them. I even shared drawings of their character here. But now I've deleted all of them.

I was made to suffer because of someone else's personal grievances. I was forced to relive a trauma from my teenage years. One that I still feel with both my mind and my body.

Trust is a powerful word. It means sincerity, and sincerity should never be taken advantage of.

At the beginning of 2024 Raphael helped me survive one of the darkest periods of my life. After that, that person came into my life and gave me some of the happiest days I'd ever known, only to leave my soul in pieces. I still find myself crying because of it. I've developed a fear that one day someone I trust deeply will crush me all over again. And again.

Now I have to rebuild my inner strength from the ground up. My friends and my girlfriend continue to support me and Raphael continues to inspire me.

I want to leave you with this.

I haven't been able to finish this amaaaazing comic for a month now and I'm very upset :c

A little lore fact about Raphael!

It may seem strange, but I tell myself not to get depressed, knowing that it will only make things worse. I also think that people may have a much worse situation than I do.

It's simple - because I really have no reason to feel unhappy. I'm in good health, I have no debts and have good relationships with my family and friends. The only thing I feel my life is meaningless.

I live alone. I wake up, play, go for walks. I often spend my days alone. I don't have a pet (I consider myself a terrible pet owner), and I don't have any reason to leave my house and come back after another solo walk. It's actually easy to get used to it when you realize there's nothing you can do to change it. But that's not the only thing that bothers me.

I haven't had any dreams or goals for a long time. It's only recently that I've come to love my artwork, and it's still one of my greatest achievements.

There's a huge overabundance of artists in the massmedia. And when I naively thought that I could make my way through such a large number of people through hard work, I eventually realized that it didn't provide any guarantees. And there were even fewer chances for someone like me, who kept their accounts rather passive due to low self-esteem.

Basically the only reason I post drawings is because I can. Well, literally. I just upload my drawing and try not to think about it.