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I forgot that the last leg of our relationship had a lot of ghosting on her end, something that I got reminded of via nightmare. We talked every day, and then it started to drop. I would text her and she wouldn't respond for hours. Hours turned to a day. One day turned to two, three, four, a week. She would only ever call me if she needed something, often emotional support. Or an emotional support fuck.

I had a script in my head of what to say to get her off faster so it would be over sooner, my heart was hardly in it. She never asked if I was up for it, anyway. It was easier when I was drinking, I could at least pretend to be into it so she wouldn't start throwing a fit. Otherwise I'd have to listen to her wail over the phone for hours about every trauma and problem she has ever had in her life, about how no one loves her, how everyone is out to get her, how she is simultaneously the worst person and best person to exist. A hell of a lot easier to just shut up, drink, and get it over with.

While we were together, some of our friends developed crushes on me. I never followed through and I always politely rejected them, but she never stopped hounding me about how I was cheating on her even when I provided proof of said rejection. She would break up with me, tell me she never wanted to speak to me again, and then I learned to expect a phone call about an hour later with her berating me for being a terrible boy/girlfriend, and then eventually she would simmer down and she'd declare that she's giving me another chance, where I would have to make some grand gesture to prove my love to her. This was all while she was actively cheating on me, of course.

I know the logistics of why all of my alters are men. But there is also the added factor that I'm just a lonely person and always have been.

I'm not one for self-pity and honestly I never think of myself as a victim of anything. I think of myself as someone who had things happen to her.

But thinking about why my system works the way it does is just...sad, I guess. It makes me feel lonelier than ever.

At least I know that my brain is in overdrive about it because I'm struggling right now and have been consistently struggling for a few months.

Me, watching him relate to Kanaya now:

Every app designed to help: Is shutting down

I did download PluralLog after seeing some ppl recommend it which seems to be like SP so I will try it out? I've never been good at logging switches to be honest, I think I'm too dissociated to do that when it happens and obviously not every alter is gonna be assed to do that but something is better than nothing I guess

I will also utilize the old pen and paper. Or try to.

I wish that this was easier to manage. I envy people who have reached the point where every alter is in agreement about symptom management and they just do what needs to be doing, and their switches are more seamless. My switches make me nauseous and give me a migraine. My alters all hate listening to each other and only trust themselves even though we're the same brain and technically the same person :/

How do people achieve good communication? Is it even a thing that's possible with me? It would be so awesome if we could all work as a team but everything feels so divided and switching is like pushing out a huge, constipated shit for hours because my body never feels safe enough to do it but it needs it BECAUSE I don't feel safe but I know most of my alters don't feel welcome and they'd rather avoid conflict but they also want to live life because they're part of me and some have roles to take care of certain things but also I'm the one out 99% of the time and it's scary for me too, to be away for a while and not remember. I don't want to lose my control or disappear forever.