- The reason behind all of it
It is incredible how much it doesn’t matter, is it? How it seems to not have any value -the intention, the desire, the willingness to make a connection work, to save it… When the other person is simply already too far away, even though you can still touch them, you can still hear their breath right next to you… It doesn’t matter. Nothing seems enough or the right thing. Not even your own heart’s pieces. And the only thing left to do is to question everything, every moment shared, every memory created. Were those things not enough, or were you not enough to satisfy them?
These are only questions, wonders, really. And yet they are so heavy, on your heart and mind, even after some time has passed, even after you thought you let go and healed… But they are the ones to not free you, not until you hear a real answer that can give you some peace, and perhaps courage to move on after all of this… And although we can’t ask them, the ones that left so abruptly, so suddenly… We can ask ourselves, and this world, for a little sign, a hint, a message. About what really was so wrong in that one connection, to not let this person even try to stay for a little longer.
So slow down. Take a deep breath. Rethink about them, about what happened. And allow that connection, its memory and essence that is still here with you, close to your heart, to guide you to the one pile that holds its message.
piles → one, two and three ♡
(the six of swords, the moon and the seven of cups)
picture from → pinterest ♡
It was supposed to be forever, I know. It should’ve been stronger than any obstacle, distance, argument. It should’ve been able to survive it all. Or this, at least, was what they told and what they promised.
And it wasn’t only you and them, either. There wasn’t hope, and sureness, just in your hearts about this connection. There were others, around you, that whispered their advices, their experience. Taught you about how this is all good, it is all normal in a relationship, it will pass, it won’t ever break it.
You listened to them, you learned. You learned about how to be even more patient and understanding, how to put others and their perception of things and emotions first. You learned about thinking about them, about their vision, their version of things. You learned to look for motives and explanations to their behaviours, even when they themselves didn’t ever say that there was one…
You learned to step aside, out of your own connection. Just for love, for them, for the relationship. Because it was supposed to be just a phase, a period that soon enough ends and leaves you in a relationship that is much stronger and healthier than what it was before… Not you all alone, wandering about how come nothing of all you did was enough, even if it took so much away from you…
But, as frustrating as it is, perhaps, it’s still not anyone’s fault. If not of the humans, and the way we grow, through mistakes, sometimes on the expenses of others…
Because you wanted to be the one, you desired so deeply to make it work and create, feel, something as beautiful as the stories you’ve heard. Because others, the ones around you, got through the same things and it worked for them. Or, at least, it gave them something that was enough. And they genuinely thought that it would work for you too, not knowing every detail of what happened, and having only their experience and story to talk from… And, in the end, because that person heard and thought it too. Because they had their examples that they followed, not understanding that it wasn’t the correct one for everyone…
Each person that lived this connection and situation, each person that looked from a far… You were all just convinced, just sure, not knowing how much ignorant you were, and how much it could hurt.
But knowing this, understanding it, doesn’t really matter either. It won’t heal your heart, nor cancel the convictions that were carved in it. It just sounds like another call for understanding and forgiveness, to a mind that is already tired of its own meanness.
The real answer, the more simplified one, is just that… It was a mistake really. A mistake of ignoring your own feelings, in favour of the words of others, even when they started to hurt so much and so deeply.
Because it could’ve changed it. Not the relationship perhaps… But it could’ve prevented the wounds that you’ve endured and accepted so innocently. It could’ve changed it, but it didn’t. The only thing it did, this mistake, is teach you. Teach you to don’t do it, to don’t ignore your own feelings just because another person is so good at doing it. And, for what it’s worth, it is at least something more than just hurting, and confusion.
There is no need in thinking about it, in imagining, in trying in your own mind to come up with a solution that can make everything work and leave everyone satisfied… There is no need in doing it because it’s fine the way it is. It’s fine with you getting to know what is it like, and overcoming it, and healing from it.
Because even if it felt so important, so destined, so true… It was only the beginning, the first try of creating something meaningful with someone else, of feeling something so deeply and trying to trust others to help you. It was needed.
In order to help you learn who is the one you can trust more, who is the one that really knows you, the situations you are in. And who can really tell you what is best, guide you through the whispers of your feelings, protecting you truly, no matter the situation you are in now. Regardless of the way it happened in the past. Regardless of how it could’ve been.
(the justice, the knight of cups and the hanged man)
picture from → pinterest ♡
It took you a lot of courage to reject them, those last tries they made to make up. Those demonstrations that they do care, that they really want to make things work, to change them… It took a lot to turn around, to don’t look at them as they sweared and made those promises that you asked for so long for…
It took a lot to not give in. To stay put and still. To continue to remind yourself of all the times you were the one praying, the one crying, the one starving of affection and support, of that understanding and gentleness that is supposed to come naturally, when you love someone…
But you still did it. You remained true to yourself, to the version of you that suffered through all the little but so painful moments, scattered all across the story that was supposed to be all about love and romance…
You protected yourself. Fiercely. Firmly. So why, now, you are wandering about why things didn’t work out…? Why are you forgetting the courage and strength it took you to see the reality, to accept it, and to reject it? Why are you questioning your decision of leaving, that was made after you already gave them so many other chances?
You did no wrong. Nor to yourself, not even to them. You saved both, ironically, even if you never intended to, even when you never thought that they deserved it too, until now. You protected yourself, without surrendering, without compromising your own sanity and wellness. And in doing so, you also protected them from thinking that it is okay, the way they were behaving. So they did change, what you are seeing now, from the distance, is true and different. They are a better person... And yet it still doesn’t mean that they could’ve become that sooner, if only you waited more for them, for their maturity.
You still do care for them, it’s true and normal. And this is why there is nothing wrong in feeling somehow bittersweet, in seeing them giving to someone else what you hoped so dearly for, sacrificed yourself just for them over and over again, without any remorse… But what is not fine is to let this feeling linger, let it in, let it infiltrate your mind and heart, your own memories and feelings of them. Letting them rewrite the story, fill you with doubt and regret, regret for protecting yourself and standing up for you…
They did change. And perhaps they could’ve done it in the past too indeed, if your decisions were different. But also, was it really your duty to change them, to care for them at the expanse of your own heart and feelings?
You are looking at them now, with nostalgia and a little bit of loneliness. And you see them differently, everything seems so perfect. But you weren’t there when they changed, you don’t know how it happened or how much it costed them. Them, or the ones around them, perhaps even the one that is now being showered with love by them. You don’t know, you don’t think about it even, at how difficult it could’ve been, what you are now regretting of not doing.
Waiting, surrendering. Allowing them to keep on wounding you. While whispering to them gently that they are not supposed to be this way with someone that they swear to love to… You are not thinking about it now, when you look at them. But you should. For the you of the past that didn’t escape from all of that, just for you to regret it, to regret protecting your own self from them.
It is frustrating, it is strange, to see them so perfect, the exact version of who they were supposed to be with you too, who you deserved to meet and be loved by. But it’s the way it is. For one reason or another, you weren’t the one that they were ready to grow up for. To be more sweet, more gentle, more understanding… And nothing could’ve changed that, no matter how much you would’ve accept or try to endure to.
And this is why it’s so important, so right, what you managed to do back then. This is why you shouldn’t regret it, feel ashamed or like you were the one to make a mistake by not remaining… You endured enough. You did so much for them. You gave them your whole heart. Your soul. And it wasn’t enough for them. And this is not your fault. This was not your problem to resolve, not your person to teach and raise, as they were hurting you with each day that passed.
(the knight of cups, the seven of swords and the nine of coins)
picture from → pinterest ♡
Now, when you look back at them, at those moments, at that story… Now that you look at it from where you are, from the nostalgia, from the bittersweet loneliness that is overwhelming you… You ask yourself what else you could’ve done, what were those missing things that you didn’t think to try or work on. You see, all the things you’ve done, as not enough, as wrong, as mistakes you did over and over, unable to win their heart, to make them fall for you…
And yet, when you really were in that moment, think about, try to remember it… All these things seemed and felt too much, didn’t they? They felt like too much work for someone that didn’t give you even an ounce of it back, never thanked, never appreciated…
So what changed this perception of yours? What made you reconsider everything, to the point of rewriting your own memories, the suffering that you’ve endured for a love that took everything from you, even what it never owned? What made you think, now, that even that was not enough? What made you choose their side, of the one that never saw enough in you, in the love that you offered, instead of protecting your experience, your suffering, your right to be loved either way?
Perhaps, in some way, it is the fault of growing. Of growing how you did. Of growing through the connections that you chose for yourself over and over again, so similar to that one, in hopes to make things go differently even just one time. Perhaps it was the act of giving, more and more, to that same person and their memory hidden in the ones that you chose in their image. Perhaps it was the fact that they too, exactly like that one, never considered it enough, who you were, who you are, who you always will be…
Perhaps it is the fault of growing through them, allowing these people to eat your life over and over again, teaching you in which ways you are wrong, where you can be better, how you can change for them… Perhaps it is the fault of being alone again now. Alone with yourself, with your memories of all of them, and your own mind that never gets silent in this constant search for an answer, an explanation, something…
But what if the only real reason why you never found it, is simply the fact that there isn’t one? What if the reason why you never were able to satisfy them, to become better, more perfect, is because you already were… Just not in the way they needed you? What if it’s only a series of unfortunate events, in part accidental, in part created by you who tried eternally to correct the first mistakes you were convinced you made back then? What if all of this seems so useless, so wrong, so miserable, simply because you are on a journey, on a hunt, for something that is not yours, something that can never be yours?
You are about to do it all again. To try, once more, to fit into the perfect image of someone who you are not. You are about to find another person that looks exactly for that, you are about to challenge yourself and ignore what feels so wrong or so right… All just because it’s all you know, the search, the trouble, the rush to become that one right for someone, the hope that you will make it…
Perhaps there is no need for all of that, for all of this. There is no need to keep on thinking about them, analysing every single bit of every situation for a clue of what was wrong and what wasn’t. Perhaps, for once, you shouldn’t look for anything or anyone. You just need to exist, and live, on your own, freely.
Without searching, without guessing, without challenging. Without looking for another person to please and convince to love you. Because you did it already, so many times, destroying yourself. Never allowing to slow down, to be who you are, to even just learn and understand what really your soul is made of.
Running, constantly, behind someone that doesn’t see you until you make them, and not seeing yourself the ones that do the same with you, the way you are truly and simply, but are unable to catch you. Unable to tell you, to whisper to you that you are enough for them, you are right for them, even if you don’t change, even if you don’t adapt, even if you don’t make them fall in love for you. Because they already do it, naturally, wholeheartedly.
tangentwithtanner
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