I’m A Handful

My Art

The only work I’m proud of:

(Left) the poem I wrote in creative writing class circa 2005-2007. We had just lost a classmate to drunk driving. I had never heard the halls so silent the next Monday. But by Tuesday, it was as if we’d all become immune to death. So I asked my friend the question, “what do we do when we become immune to death?” The poem produced ensued.

Lambeau Field

1265 Lombardi Ave

Green Bay, WI 54304

44.501308, -88.062317

My first time to Lambeau was pretty unofficial. I was seeing Avenged Sevefold at the Resch Center - right next to Lambeau. We’d driven the 3 hours to Green Bay and after a meal, we hopped over to what was about to become my happy place.

We did the Hall of Fame and the Pro Shop. It was…STUNNING. Lambeau is a beaut inside and out. From its gorgeous outer brick with green trim, the gigantic G you can see from the highway, to the various statues of Packers heroes, including Vince Lombardi. You can also snap a pic of yourself doing the Lambeau Leap!

The Pro Shop is MASSIVE. And they have EVERYTHING Packers you could possibly want. They’ve got normal fanfare merch like jerseys, hoodies, and hats; but they also have kitchen tongs, baby onesies, dog collars, wine stoppers, playing cards, beer openers (and about half a million other items). I’m always entranced when I swing by the store.

The Hall of Fame was an EXPERIENCE. I got to compare my hand size to players past and present. (Those dudes are HUGE!) I got to see the awards; the trophies my favorite team has collected over the years, including the Lombardi (yes the Super Bowl trophy that is named after our nearest and dearest,) MVPs and all the hall of famers.

As you may or may not know, the Packers have a tradition of riding kids’ bikes to practice. It’s ages old and something both the players and fans look forward to each season. In the HOF if you look up, there are kids’ bikes creating a mosaic of metal parts on the ceiling. Truly symbolic and beautiful. One of my favorite displays was the evolution of uniforms for the Acme Packers to the team they are today. The history is so cool.

My second time at Lambeau, I took my mom to see Paul McCartney. **coughs** sorry. SIR Paul McCartney. She’d been in love with the man since she was 5 years old and I absolutely adore the Beatles; his solo work is solid as well. I remember he opened with Hard Day’s Night, to my particular delight. What I don’t remember is paying much attention to Lambeau on the inside.

Beyond the HOF and the Pro Shop, there are what feels like miles of walkway with concessions, TVs so you don’t miss the game, and the cleanest of public restrooms. Food and drinks were juuust above what I find appropriate which was cool.

Other than these observations, I was truly most concerned about not getting separated from my oblivious mother, and finding our seats. Bleacher seats, by the way. Bring something to sit on 😉.

Several years later I finally made it to a game. It was a pre-season game but a game, nonetheless. The whole 3 hour drive up I was buzzing with excitement. Once parked, I could only think two things:

1. This is it.

2. GO PACK GO!

It’s been a few summers so I honestly can’t remember if we won or not. But that truly didn’t matter to me. I was watching my boys in the flesh for the first time ever. And yes, it was early enough in his starting career with Jordan Love that I did, in fact, get to see him play for a bit. It was surreal.

~68,000 fans filled the bleachers even though it was a preseason game. At one point, the entire stadium did the wave in circular succession 3 or 4 times! It’s was hilarious and exhilarating all at once. I was happy. Genuinely happy.

I implore you to find that special spot. A place that just brings out the best emotions in you: excitement, anticipation, thrill, and a sense of belonging. Walking in a sea of fans in green and yellow, all there to cheer for the same team. It’s a union of all types of humans, all shapes and sizes and colors, all with the same appreciation for what we’re witnessing.

I could not be happier when I’m at Lambeau. There’s just something so special about the historic stadium. Would def recommend a trip to visit, even if you just check out the HOF. Totally worth it.

H

Album Review

Atreyu - The End is Not the End

The title track is good build up to track 2, Dead. When Atreyu released Dead as a single, I was hooked. As someone that has wondered time and time again what others would do if I disappeared, this song speaks to me on a very emotional level. The intro grows tension until the beat hits and Porter’s vocals have improved so much! The chorus, an anthemic question of, “How would you feel if I was dead?” is one that makes me wanna scream-sing as loud as I can in the car. Dead honestly hits.

Another highlight would be track 6, Glass Eater. The opening beat is reminiscent of Falling Down from nearly 2 decades ago. A “ready to rumble” vibe, like we’re all about to be decimated by Brandon’s croon. And then we are.

Track 7, Wait My Love, I’ll Be Home Soon, is the quintessential Atreyu song. It begins in a lovely acoustic melody that quickly fades to a heavy metal beat that makes you jump up and head-bang. While the tempo remains tame through the song, the chorus is another anthem you can just picture 1000s of people scream-singing to. This is the song you want to hear them play live at every show from here on out. The guitar solo-turned-duet is something out of an 80s hair metal jam. I have this track on repeat as I type.

The rest of the album is just slap after slap of heavy bass lines, hard drums, and vocals you could only dream of producing; both singing and screaming, in my opinion. It culminates in the final track, number 13, Break the Glass.

Break the Glass is the song that blends both Brandon and Porter’s refined vocals. It’s classic Atreyu, in a new form. The piano interlude is beautiful, the following breakdown sounding like the end of humanity is right before us. Dueling guitar scales float over the beat; Brandon then leads the others in a chorus before it all fades to a faint acoustic melody. “So rest…” are the final words we hear.

All in all, this album has exactly 0 skips. I would give it 5/5⭐️ Would HIGHLY Recommend.

Now go stream it!

I’ve been reading Rob Sheffield for ages. In my teens, I was obsessed with ‘Rolling Stone’ and his articles never disappointed. When I caught this book on the library shelf, my jaw hit the floor.

You mean to tell me one of my favorite music critics (who considers himself a giant swiftie) wrote a book all about the music of Taylor!?! Instantly, it was a must read.

So far I’ve read 25/29 chapters and honestly, chapters 4-22 went by so fast, I almost feel like I skipped them.

What I love most about this book is that not only am I relearning so much about Taylor, but I’m learning tons about Joni Mitchell, Stevie Nicks, and others. It’s like a pop music history book focusing on the industry’s frontman…woman…and her art.

If you call yourself a swiftie, if you enjoy Taylor’s music, if you like music history, this book is a great choice!

5/5⭐️ Would highly recommend.

I’m forever in awe of Matt’s voice. His croon, when he graces us with it, is always calming to me. It’s also one of the most recognizable voices in the industry.

Johnny on bass is just classic. He’s Johnny fuckin Christ. Enough said.

Brooks on drums. Now, I’ve been blessed to have seen A7X live with all the drummers they’ve worked with. I remember watching Jimmy sing ‘A Little Piece Of Heaven’ while drumming and I was in awe. Mike Portnoy deserves all the respect because he did what only HE, as Jimmy’s idol, could do. He supported the band through their darkest era. Arin was great for the stadium rock album they were aiming for. And then came Brooks.

Brooks needs a second paragraph. Brooks Wackerman. Now, I’d heard that name but where? Oh yeah. He drummed for Bad Religion, one of the few punk bands I could tolerate. Now he’s laying down beats for ‘The Stage,’ ‘God Damn,’ and ‘Exist.’ I couldn’t be happier he joined the boys.

When I think of great guitarists, only a few come to mind. Jimi Hendrix, Steve Vai, John Petrucci, and, of course, Synyster Gates. Mr. Brian Haner seems to have 16 fingers when he plays and I am HERE FOR IT.

Last but not least, my Unlikely Cowboy, Zacky Vengeance, aka Zachary Baker as rhythm guitarist rounds out this quintet perfectly. A lil punk, a lil metal, and a splash of country & western, he is the member I relate to most.

But what gets me is their nature. Back in the day I idolized these rock stars because they were true rock stars by definition! Loud music, drinking and drugs, lots of women, and awesome shows that led to awesome after parties. NOW…

Nearly 25 years later, we’ve grown up together. I no longer idolize those types of musicians, same as they are no longer like that. They’re all married with children, spending their time with friends and family, traveling the world. Pretty cool, if you ask me.

But again, their nature. These are 5 of the nicest guys to ever walk this planet. Down to earth, kind, charitable, and supportive of their fans. They are constantly going above and beyond for the Deathbats Club, their fan base with NFTs that bring real world valuables. (See my previous post about my DBC #4285) These dudes are so good at spoiling us with all sorts of treats! BTS vids, free tickets, gift cards for merch, proper interviews we would otherwise never see. These are just SOME of the rewards reaped by holders of a Deathbat.

So again, great guys, my kings of music, Avenged Sevenfold. 🤘🏻 ♥️🫶🏻

H

1:25am 04/20/2026

Patient still in the hospital. On heavy pain meds. Miserable. Needing a walker. Looking weathered. Begging for help, make it stop.

8:20am 04/21/2926

Still here, still painful. Most meds no longer work; I tried to leave AMA but after a comment I made, I was told they didn’t feel “safe” sending me home. Oh, so NOW you give two shits. Got it.fuck this hospital

The ERAS Tour 🫶🏻

I had never been to Soldier Field before 06/02/2023. By then I’d only been to Lambeau 3x and let me tell you: as a Packer fan, I’m spoiled. My stadium doesn’t reek of urine, it’s more aesthetically pleasing with the brick and green trim; the bathrooms are near spotless and the prices are juuust over affordable. Soldier, however, is a huge slab of concrete with some metal. While the acoustics were comparable to Paul McCartney at Lambeau, there was only one thing that made Soldier Field magical that night.

What’s that, you ask?

Oh, just THE ENTIRE CONCRETE STRUCTURE SHAKING BENEATH MY FEET.

Honestly, for a split second I thought, “This is it. This is how it ends. We’re going down at a Taylor Swift show.” The swifties actually moved the concrete with all the jumping and dancing. It was looney toons.

So the clock appears, I took a picture at the 1 minute mark. Tick, tick, tick…13 …tick…11…tick…9…tick…tick…tick…5…tick…3…2…1… “It’s been a long time coming…”

She took the stage, and all 55,000 of us to church for 3.5 hours. The choreo, the mixing, the lighting, the band, the singers and dancers…all different shapes, sizes, and colors…it all did something to me.

I literally suffered amnesia. I purposefully tried to stay off my phone as much as I could to really be in the moment with Taylor. I have very few pictures and videos; little to no proof. And therein lies the issue. Now, watching the Eras Tour (Taylor’s Version) on Disney+, I see all the details I’d seemingly forgotten. The overstimulation and hyperexcitement was just SO much that my brain blacked out huge chunks. (There are actual studies being done on the Eras Amnesia Phenomenon. It’s legit a thing. I’m not alone.)

I’m forever and always grateful to Taylor and her team for putting them on streaming (Taylor’s Version and The Final Show) so we can all relive the magic we made. I’m so blessed to be able to recall the entirety of the ‘tolerate it’ performance thanks to the stream. And I love that even though TTPD was still a secret when I went to the Eras Tour, I can watch it now and see all the new additions to the show.

Side note: the performance of ‘The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived’ is pure art in its finest form. But that wasn’t my show. No, my show was special in its own way. I saw the tour when it was just one surprise song on acoustic guitar and one surprise song on piano. It didn’t evolve into pure, beautiful chaos until much later in the tour.

My surprise songs were great. For guitar, we got ‘I Wish You Would’ off of 1989 and then we got ‘the lakes’ off of folklore on piano. Now, I adore ‘the lakes.’ It’s poetry in perfect form. Not to mention she said she was playing it because of all the lakes we have near Chicago.

Speaking of what Taylor said…

It quickly became tradition for Taylor to give a ‘champagne problems’ speech. A monologue just before the song, if you will. And since it was 6/2, the start of Pride Month, she talked to us about living authentically. Always be who we are because who we are deserves to be seen, heard, and loved. I appreciated her words so much.

The whole night felt like a dream. I will cherish the Eras Tour in the same way Taylor does. She’s right about everything which makes her, once again, right, when she says, “Men will let you down. The Eras Tour never will.”

Hey Siri, play Cruel Summer Live From the Eras Tour🎶…

Went on a first date with a dude; this was years ago. Went to Article II in Lombard, IL, a shooting range. We got lessons in proper holding and discharging both a Glock and revolver. He went first and did solid for a first time shooter. Lots of 7s for him.

Then it was my turn.

First time ever holding and shooting a revolver; and I LOVED it. The instructor that had been guiding us looked at my date and said, “Don’t mess with her.”

Forever proud of this picture…

FAVES OF FAVES♥️

Taylor Swift - All Too Well 10min

Fall Out Boy - Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet

Avenged Sevenfold - Dancing Dead

Iron Maiden - Hallowed Be Thy Name

Atreyu - Dead

Kelsea - The Revisionist

Between the Buried and Me - White Walls

Lindsey Stirling - Roundtable Rival

Rihanna - Man Down

Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To the Moon

The Beatles - Eight Days a Week

Zachary Baker - The Storm

Lady Gaga - Judas

Honorable Mentions

Pierce the Veil - Yeah Boy and Doll Face

System of a Down - Radio/Video

Silverstein - My Heroine (acoustic)

Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

Bullet For My Valentine - Your Betrayal

Dan + Shay - How Not To

Bayside - Blame It On Bad Luck

Rise Against - Swing Life Away

Alex had been long gone and Brandon had taken over as the frontman. Porter took over screaming vocals and they added Kyle on drums. This particular video is of Bleeding Mascara with a more traditional Atreyu flare. Brandon is on drums, Kyle on bass, and Porter as frontman.

They never cease to amaze me. This show was originally scheduled at the Apollo Theater in Belvidere, IL but a tornado a few days before the show tore the roof off the venue, cancelling the show. It was rescheduled to the Vixen and that was my first time going there.

It’s hard not to fall in love with a venue when one of your faves is on the stage. It’s like you love them because they decided to put your faves under the spotlight.

And of course, Travis ordered pizza and ate it onstage. I don’t quite understand this habit of his, but understood or not, I LOVE it. Boys be hungry after playing amazing songs and solos! 🤣

Can’t forget Dan and his saxophone playing! ‘Tequila’ was a fun little surprise that had everyone roaring with laughter. It was an awesome interlude to the show.

Last but not least, the cherry on top of my sundae…the reason this show will go down in the books for me is because Brandon Saller himself called me out for knowing the words to every single song they played. He actually thanked me for that.

Not a problem, Brandon, I swear!

05/16/2023

The Vixen

McHenry, IL

Deathbats Club #4285

The story of how he became mine…

December 18, 2021, Twitter (I will NEVER call it “X”)

I’d been hearing and reading about this NFT project Avenged Sevenfold had curated. I knew very very little-almost nothing-about NFTs but it had M Shadows’s approval so I figured I wanted in.

For those of you unfamiliar with NFTs, very simply put: they are a digital token that can hold real world value. At least, that’s the Deathbats Club.

Skip the line at shows/early entry

Early access to tickets

Giveaways/raffles

Discounts on merch

Meet & Greet the band

These are all utilities of DBC plus more; like free tickets and even one-on-one meet ups with the band members. I’m starting to think you can see why I felt so compelled to have one of these digital assets. Even if I got a plain ol’ run-of-the-mill Deathbat, I would be the happiest camper. Even “base model” Deathbats come with some perks! I HAD to be in that club. It wasn’t a want, the more I learned, it was a need.

Then I really looked in to it. At the time, the 10,000 unique Deathbats so lovingly created by the band were starting off between $200-300.

Now, I was unemployed at the time and struggling to make ends meet but again, this wasn’t a want. It was a need. My soul needed this. I had sweated, cried, literally broken and bled for this band for the last 20 years. But financially, it was impossible.

I watched as others revealed the bats they had minted and the FOMO was killing me. So I did what any sane, broke, diehard fan does. I tweeted directly to Shadows himself.

In 140 characters or less I explained my devotion to the band and how much I knew I needed to be apart of this new venture in music. But I didn’t complain about the cost or whine that I couldn’t afford it. I simply asked, “What would your great mind suggest?” And I went to sleep. For about 3 hours.

When I woke up around 12:30am, I saw I had a missed DM. Strange, I thought, but I checked anyway.

Shadows was asking for my MetaMask address. The man himself wanted to know MY addy. I responded quickly as if this was all going to disappear in the blink of an eye. After a moment, he responded.

“Sent. Welcome. Join in the discord and hang.”

I logged into my MetaMask as quickly as technologically possible and there he was. Deathbats Club #4285. In all his magnificent glory; his glitter skin, violet background, Uncle Sam hat and aviator sunglassss, he was right there in my wallet.

I thanked Shadows profusely and he waved it off as if it were no biggie. But it was a biggie. It was a biggie to me. I’m quite unlucky in life but this…this makes up for all of it. 5 years later and I still wanna get him tattooed on me. That’s always the sign to do it-long periods of yearning.

So I’m anxious to get my Deathbat tattooed. Can’t wait until he’s with me foREVer.

But, no. 8 months later I needed all the hardware from the fusion removed. Surgery number 4 left me with holes in my spine. Very, very painful.

But 2026 I know I’ve herniated L3-4 a while ago but Tuesday morning it worsened. Now I can hardly walk, I wince in pain all the time. Occasionally it hurts to breathe. Took 200mg Celebrex, 8mg Zanaflex, and two Norco 10s. Even Gabapentin; &…NOTHING

I’ve always said I count my blessings because I’m not in a wheelchair (as I probably should be, given the extent of my 2016 injury). But this is scary.

Giving up a year is so rough, ngl. It’s not just one or two shows…it’s the whole year’s lineup-every show I’d planned on going to and now I can’t. Not to mention all the regular plans with friends and family. I won’t be able to drive and being a passenger is too painful. The worst of chores.

I have not once missed using a walker down my driveway. I have never looked back fondly on the inadvertent opioid addiction I was given (by a very highly recommended pain doc, might I add.)

And I certainly don’t fondly recall the loneliness. It’s so isolating and for lack of a thesaurus, lonely. I miss my person. I don’t miss HIM, just the CONCEPT of him. A partner in crime, an adventure buddy, & a concert date.

I miss having someone hold my hand for times like these.

Anyhoozles. So much pain.

More later

🎶music fiend: my holy trinity is A7X, Atreyu, & Taylor Swift (a metalhead 🤘🏻 swiftie🫶🏻 if you will)

🎫 avid concert goer (200 shows and counting)

♥️ piercings (I have 8)/tattoos (I have 18)

🤕 chronic pain girlie (migraines/occipital neuralgia)

🫩POTSie (well regulated most days)

🥵 I canNOT tolerate heat/humidity like a normie

🧠 MDD, GAD, PTSD, PMDD, & OCD

🏈 NFL fan (go Pack go!💚💛🧀)

🩺 dork for anything medical (esp virology, pain medicine, psychiatry)

🎤 professional car/shower singer

📝 VERY shy poet

🗺️ my happy places are Lambeau Field (Green Bay, WI) and The Rave in MKE

🐾 squirrels are my fave animal (tree rat supremacy!)

🤭 I love to giggle, it’s my fave thing to do (stupid comedy and rom coms win)

😴 I’m the napping queen 👑

🧿 huge believer in karma and the universe doling it out when she’s good and ready

📚 picky reader, mostly auto-bios and Chuck Klosterman or Hunter S. Thompson

🪴 THC friendly - Sativa Diva

🍕 goat cheese deep dish

🥃 Jack n Diet

🍓🍍🥦 healthy stuff 💪🏻

🎮 N64 (Mario Kart, Yoshi’s Story)

♟️ Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, Boggle

🃏 Blackjack, Solitaire, Cards Against Humanity

♒️ aquarius- progressive, independent contrarian

🎗️ women’s/gay/trans rights, suicide prevention, mental health awareness

🤠 unlikely cowgirl

💀proud owner of DBC #4285

•foREVer• (iykyk)

Anyways, that about sums me up. I currently live in delusion. At the moment I’m working as a PSR at a Derm office, daydreaming of the Eras Tour, Chicago N1. 06/02/2023 will forever live rent-free in my memory. Not only did I get to witness Taylor for the first time with my own eyeballs; but Avenged Sevenfold dropped ‘Life Is But a Dream…’ that day as well. I’ll never forget blasting “Mattel” on the L going to Soldier Field.

Enough of me rambling. Sorry, I tend to do that. So…feel free to interact on this post. If we have stuff in common or we don’t, I enjoy meeting new ppl.

One last thing. I listed my holy trinity of music…can’t forget honorable mentions:

•Kelsea Ballerini

•Iron Maiden

•Fall Out Boy

•Zachary Baker

•Between the Buried and Me

•Pierce the Veil

•the Beatles

•Frank Sinatra

Hope we connect soon!

H

PS-you’ll find out…my hair color changes a LOT. 👩🏻👩🏻‍🦰👩🏻‍🦳