Fukkatsu

(This is sorta assuming you know that she’s confirmed lez or bi, but even if you don’t know for sure, none of the following will be obtrusive or offensive. If she’s down she’ll realize what’s happening. If not you’ll just come off as nice and “easy to talk to”.)

And I know these are all pretty intuitive, but growing up as a girl in a male-/hetero centric world even today girls are socialized from birth to be passive and not make the first move. This makes dating girls hard because no ones willing to put herself out there. We just keep staring at each other hoping one of us will get up the guts to say something.

So here’s your primer on how to be the one to do that and make something happen with a girl you like

1. The first move: If you just plain don’t know the gal, but you like her look, make some innocuous eye contact. If she responds in any kind of positive way, just go over and introduce yourself. If you already know her just walk up and say hey.

2. Talking: Simple is best for introductions: “Hi, I’m so and so.” Or “I’m so bad so, we have X class together.” Hand shaking is a nice touch. Include some brief eye contact, maybe just a beat longer than normal, and a smile. This works best at an event where there is music, sports, a dog park, something to talk about. E.g. “What’s your dog’s name?” or “This is a great song.”

3. Eye contact: When talking to this lady, make eye contact while you two are talking. Eye contact says “trustworthy” and “good listener.” Try not to look away.

If no one is talking for a few seconds, maintain eye contact but only a beat longer than necessary. This is key. It says “I’m interested.” But don’t let it become a stare or it borders on creepiness.

4. Smile: A smile says friendly, approachable, nice, and it ups the comfort level. Smile when you’re talking and making the above eye contact. You don’t need to smile every second or it might look a little deranged, but make sure you don’t have a resting bitch face or scowl. School your features if necessary.

5. Compliments: These are good conversation starters and/or work them in later. Do not lead with the old “you have beautiful eyes” bullshit. A) it’s unoriginal, and B) it’s easy to sound creepy. In fact, at this stage do not make it about her physical appearance at all. Good things to compliment: t-shirt, bag, jewelry, accessories, hat, maybe hair if it’s an extra cool style, etc.

6. Attentiveness: All of the above combined should say “I’m completely present” and “I’m here with you.” But also consciously try to maintain presence of mind and focus on what *she’s* saying instead of planning a response in your head the whole time. Just respond naturally based on what she’s saying without overthinking it. You just need to be you, not some extra impressive version of yourself.

7. Innocuous touching: Once the conversation is going, and she says something you like or makes you laugh, very brief, light arm or shoulder touching will further show you’re interested. Keep it brief, 1 second or less. If you’re sitting, and things are comfortable, a light knee touch would be okay too. But nothing above the knee. The touches should be a brush or a light pat. Nothing too grabby. Eye contact while touching is a good idea, but again nothing where it’s like staring.

8. Initiating further contact; aka getting her digits: If this is someone you wouldn’t ordinarily see and don’t know when / if you’ll see again, you’ll need her phone number (or other contact info for some social media texting/chatting type app). A good way to initiate this is to say something like, “Hey do you like to text?” Or “Do you do whatsapp?” (Or some other platform). This is a little more suave than going straight to “Can I get your number?”

9. Initiating texting: A simple “what’s up?” Should suffice.

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The great thing about all this simple stuff is that if the girl is straight, it will just come off as friendly, and it won’t seem creepy. You’ll know if she’s responsive in a flirtatious way (at the latest) once you start texting.

If she is gay/bi and has half a clue, she’ll respond in kind if interested and you can start upping the flirt game a little by lengthening the eye contact just a little, more innocuous touching, etc and gauge her response.

The key to gauging her responsiveness is being attentive.

Focus on her, not yourself. Women, all women - regardless of orientation - want to be heard, to be listened to, to have someone *there* with them. Someone truly present. Attention not in a clingy fawning-over kinda way but in a real way. This kind of attention builds trust, creates a comfort level.

What you want is for this young lady to feel good in your presence. That’s what she’ll remember when she’s at home: how good, safe, and listened-to she felt.

You don’t have to be perfect, or some arbitrary definition of “hot,” or anything else other than yourself to make this happen.

And if she’s not into you, so what? What have you really lost? Nothing. What have you risked? Nothing. Consider it practice for meeting the next lady who interests you.

Good luck, my little friends.