Chastidy Ronan

In March I was pulled off a clinical trial and saw growth in my tumors. I began losing hope. My thoughts were focused on how I needed to prepare for dying. I felt most things are in order for the worst case scenario of if I die. But, there were a few loose ends to tie together. I wanted to make sure my daughter was enrolled in pre-school and she had someone set up to take her to ballet classes. I’ve been talking to a few family members about what I hope Catica’s long term care will look like if I’m ever not able to be a part of that. I’ve told a few really really close family members hopes for my funeral arrangements. 

My silent thoughts often began with “when I die…” Rarely was I having any thoughts that I might live to see the future (I’m not sure how far in the future it needs to be to be considered the future, but that’s a whole nother topic). I had been keeping my dismal, doom and gloom thoughts to myself. I figured there was no need to drag anyone down into this hopeless pit with me. I was depending on the hope and faith of others to get me through this time. 

Then, one Friday morning I decided to let my husband in on the level of discouragement I’d been feeling. Right away he began praying God would do something to encourage me. That night we went to a worship and prayer meeting at my church. The Holy Spirit moved. It wasn’t a powerful passionate prayer, it wasn’t a worship song that touched me deeply. It was the Warriors (dubnation!) I was journaling and pulled out my phone to look up a scripture. At the same time I got a message from a friend offering me her tickets to game 1 of the first round of playoffs (Warriors vs. Clippers), the next day! I text all Catica’s babysitters immediately and came up with someone to watch her. 

So, we went to the game. We sat court side. 😄 We ate caramel corn and drank soda (don’t judge me). 

Before the game started we saw our friend Walter. Walter’s wife Lori is the Primary Inputter Statistician for the Warriors. She is the first woman to ever hold her position. She’s a world class, world changing woman.(https://www.sfchronicle.com/news/article/History-making-ground-breaker-is-the-one-who-12771482.php. ) (https://www.nba.com/warriors/video/teams/warriors/2019/05/03/2593738/1556916805436-people-lori-2593738)

Walter is one of the chaplains for the Warriors. We let our friends Walter and Lori know we’d be at the game. About 10 minutes before tip off Walter was walking around the court and waved to us. He walked deliberately toward us and placed a small glass jar in my hand. “Chastidy, what I’m giving you is very special. Only the players and coaches have been given this, and now I’m giving it to you.” In the jar were four mustard seeds. Walter told me the legend of the mustard seed jar. In 2015, he gave them to all the players at chapel before the first playoff game and reminded them that it only takes faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. That was the first year this team won the finals. In 2016, he did not give them a mustard seed jar, in an unexpected and hardly explainable twist the Warriors did not win finals that year. In 2017, the players went to Walter and said, “Hey, we need those mustard seeds this year Walter!” So the chapel before the first playoff game they were given a jar with 2 mustard seeds and they won the finals. In 2018, the chapel before the first playoff game they were given a jar with three mustard seeds and they won the finals. And this year, in 2019 they were given a jar with 4 mustard seeds. I’m assuming they’ll win the finals. Walter told me the players need to have faith to accomplish the mission they are working toward. And, he knows I need to have faith right now, too. But he reminded me it only takes a little. Place my mustard seed size faith in God, knowing He is able move mountains and remove tumors. 

The half time show was a group of kids that looked to be 8-10 years old doing this amazing hip-hop dance to music from my high school years. They were awesome!

The Warriors not only won that first play off game, but they dominated! 

On our way out of Oracle there were fireworks, people dancing, good cheer and hope every where.  

Yes, hope everywhere. Even in my heart. 

As we walked out of Oracle I found myself thinking hopeful thoughts; thoughts that I might live a long life. I was thinking I can’t wait to see Catica* dance at a Warriors half time. Maybe I don’t need to find someone to take her to ballet, instead, I need to find out what dance school was performing today. 

It was the first time in over six weeks I had hopeful thoughts about the future, and that I might be here to see it. Going to the Warriors game and receiving that little jar of mustard seeds restored my hope.

GENERAL HEALTH UPDATE: 

On paper, things aren’t looking so good. But I’ve got a jar of mustard seeds and God is still in the business of miracles. I’ll start with what’s good and you can read as far into the bad as you’d like. 

I got a spot on a clinical trial in San Francisco.  More info on the trial can be found with this link (https://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT03634982?term=rmc4630&rank=1).  I started the trial on Tuesday.  So far I haven’t had any noteworthy side affects. 

I went to three hospitals in Ohio for second opinions and to discuss treatment options in case we decided to move back to be close to family.   I saw Dr. Olugbenga at the University of Cincinnati. He referred to UCSF as “the Mecca of trials” and recommended I continue receiving treatment here, saying UC wouldn't have any trials to offer me at this time. He was the first doctor who has offered to pray with me during a visit, and it wasn’t a half hearted run of the mill prayer, but a fervent, passionate, and heartfelt petition! This was very encouraging! I saw Dr. Krishnamurthi at the Cleveland Clinic. She said with the level of disease I have throughout my body I wouldn’t be a candidate for the hepatic pump or a liver transplant. She also inferred they don’t have any trials right now that she’d recommend. She made it seem as if the best thing for me is to stay at UCSF for now.  I saw Dr. Laith at the James Center at Ohio State University. He informed me of a car-t-cell (I might be spelling that wrong) therapy trial they will have sometime in the next year. He recommended going ahead with the trial I just started at UCSF, but contacting him if/when I finish that trial to see if they have openings on car-t-cell trial. 

I had MRI’s on both legs which showed tumors in both femurs. This means the pain I had been believing was a side effect of one of my medications is actually tumors. The pain is sometimes livable, and sometimes so extreme I can’t stand up. The pain increases with the amount of activity I do. I’ll be getting radiation to both femurs which is supposed to stop the tumor growth and the pain. However, I can’t get the radiation until after I have been on this trial for over a month, so sometime in early July I’ll be getting radiation. Until then, I just have to deal with the pain. My doctor suggested using a cane, but I have purchased one yet. Some days I feel like I need one, some days I can hobble along with out one. When staying with my brother-n-law’s family recently I had to go up and down stairs a few times a day. I couldn’t do it; I’d sit down and scoot like a baby, but it got me where I needed to go. The pain has prevented me from exercising like I would like to, but I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to move around normally after the radiation in July. 

I continue to have a very persistent cough from the lung tumors. The cough is worse the more I move. When I’ve been sedentary for about 20+ minutes, my cough subsides. Sometimes, the cough becomes so severe I’m gasping for air and it can induce vomiting.  

There is a new tumor on my right ovary. It doesn’t cause any noteworthy pain. 

OTHER NEWS: 

We have been given the great opportunity to sublease a beautiful two bedroom apartment. Some friends are moving to Africa for a year and we get the blessing of renting their apartment while they are gone. The apartment is on the same block as our church and there are about 15 friends, couples, or families we know from church who also live on that block (all in properties owned by our church). Moving here will not only be a blessing because of the space (Catica will finally have her own room and there is an amazing back yard), and location (it’s near a park, an organic grocery store, and several great restaurants), but also because of the community (we’ll be surrounded by friends from church who’ve offered to help us). 

We also made a short trip to Ohio at the end of May for a friends wedding and to visit those hospitals. For a variety of reasons related to my medical care we didn’t know for sure until the day before the trip that we’d be going. We bought tickets and left with in 24 hours. We didn’t get to see many people because of the wedding and spending 4 days at hospitals, but it was great to see the few family and friends we did get to see. If we missed seeing you on this trip, it’s not or lack of love, just lack of time.  

*Catica is pronounced KAH-tee-tsa. It rhymes with pizza.  

My Mother’s Day was pretty low key. I was too sick to go to church. I layed around most of the day trying not to cough. My daughter and husband did some kind things through out the day, but it ended as good as it could. Spontaneously, my daughter acted out the entire “Holy Week” story accurately. She came riding into our living room on a pillow donkey saying “put out the palm leaves, Jesus is coming.” Then, she had her dad nail her to a cross, and put her in a tomb. He counted to 3 and then she busted out and we all shouted, “Jesus is alive!” She asked us to touch her hand and side. Then, she laid hands on me and told me to be healed.

Next, she wanted to act out the story of Peter and John going to pray, and healing the lame man. We all took turns not being able to walk and then one of us would lay hands on the “lame man” and they’d rise up and go “walking and leaping and praising God!”*

It made me feel pretty happy about how she’s being raised. It made me thankful for her Sunday school teachers. It made me glad we do themed crafts for each holiday.

I also hope she has the power of Peter and John when she prays.

HEALTH UPDATE:

It’s hard to give an accurate update right now because there are so many moving pieces, further testing, and possible treatment options being presented, but I’ll try.

- The tumors in my lungs have given me a constant chronic cough.

- The knee pain which I thought was medication induced “temporary arthritis” continued and worsened until my oncologist had me get an MRI. The MRI shows a 5.3 cm long tumor in my femur.

- I might have to have either radiation or surgery on my femur. I’ll know more after meeting with the oncology orthopedic surgeon and the radiation oncologist this week.

- I’ve been given a spot in another clinical trial (Praise God). But I won’t be able to start until the issue with my femur is resolved. Hopefully that will be in early June.

- I have a lot of fatigue.

- Most of this doesn’t sound very hopeful, but I’m hopeful more often than not; I’m human and have hard days and moments. I don’t know how my story ends, but I know how THE story ends. It ends with victory for all who follow Jesus. I’m thankful for that eternal hope. I’m also thankful that when Peter and John went to pray, they healed a lame man on the way. I don’t doubt that God can do the same for me.

*Also— thank you to my Acts professor for singing that kids song with college students.

If you’ve asked me how I’m doing in the last three years I might have smiled and told you I’m doing fine. You might have caught me on an off day and I bit your head off. Here’s the real answer.

"What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this: one day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an ******* for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “DAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear must go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ***, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “**** this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

I met with my oncologist yesterday. I am completely removed from the clinical trial I was on. I am being placed on a new treatment (lonsurf + avastin) as a bridge until I can get on a clinical trial somewhere. I am currently on the waiting list for three trials; two at my current hospital (UCSF) and one at Stanford. My doctor is helping me search for trials that might be effective at other prestigious cancer centers, but has also encouraged me to reach out to as many hospitals and treatment centers as I can while not letting overtake my life.  The biopsy I had last week is still being reviewed, but the first impression is there no significant change in the mutations of the tumors.  

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I’m thankful I get to be here with you ladies this morning. You are always such a blessing. Malene and Karen invited me to give an update on how I’m doing. Most of you know me, but let me introduce myself to those of you I’m not yet acquainted with. My husband and I grew up in Cincinnati Ohio, I’ve served as a missionary to Haiti and spent two years teaching in China. My husband and I believed God called us to San Francisco so we moved here four months after we got married in 2006. When we got here everything that could go wrong went wrong, including losing our housing on the same day I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. That surprise pregnancy led me to seek help at Alpha Pregnancy Center, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage but I never forgot that Alpha was ready to walk with me and find solutions to all of my concerns. Later I went back to Alpha, but as a staff member and I eventually became the director. I spent almost a decade running that ministry until I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and had to resign.  I’ve been going through chemo and radiation treatments since July 2016.  

Before I give you an update on my health I want to tell you a story that will explain my perspective on this challenge.*  

The day I arrived at my new home in Haiti where I would live for a year, I walked into a house that had been robbed. Everything was gone- furniture, curtains, dishes, everything except the kitchen sink. I had met my roommate for the year one day earlier, Shelley lived in the house the year before and knew our neighbors well. She assured me that since we were back and our neighbors loved her, the house would now be safe and nothing more would be stolen. I didn’t believe her. We had just a couple hours to drop our things off before needing to leave for a meeting at the school where we’d be teaching. On my way out the door for the meeting, I silently prayed, “Lord, if our house gets robbed tonight, please don’t let them take my radio, my guitar, or the vase from Morocco Kellie gave me.”

When we got home that night, our house had been ravished. Clothes were strewn everywhere, Shelley’s nice camera— gone. The sheets off our other roommate’s bed— gone. I made it to my room in the back of the house and did a quick scan of my bedroom: my radio was there, check; my guitar was there, check; my vase— gone! What!? Didn’t God hear my prayer? Why would the thieves want my vase anyway? It was just a small memento that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone but me. My heart sank. I felt robbed. But just as quickly as my heart sank, the Holy Spirit began to speak: “Chastidy, I didn’t bring you here this year to look at that vase. I am the same whether or not that vase is on top of your dresser. I haven’t changed and I am worthy of your praise with or without that vase.” My heart responded, “Oh, check. Yes, Lord, I trust you. I’ll praise you. Thanks for being the same and being good no matter what I’ve lost.” A moment later, a fellow teacher who had come to help walked in the door and said, “I found this on the street, does this belong to you?” and held up my vase.

That small momentary loss and the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart taught me how to get through larger losses that aren’t temporary. When my mom was murdered, when I had multiple miscarriages, when my marriage has been difficult, and many other times of loss I’ve gone back to that moment and remembered God is the same no matter what I might be losing. 

To be honest, the months since November have been filled with loss.  

My grandfather died because of lung cancer. 

Five of my other friends have died as well (three cancer related deaths).

My landlord promised me a bigger apartment and even gave me the keys then changed her mind and took the keys back. 

The clinical trial I’ve been on has stopped shrinking my tumors. (More on this below) 

But amidst these tragedies there have been some triumphs. 

I was given the Gianna Molla award and spoke to 50,000 people. 

My daughter turned 3 and sweetly told me I set up her party so nice and perfect. 

I turned 40 even though some medical professionals never thought I’d live this long. My husband, family, and friends threw me two surprise birthday parties. 

So I find myself responding to all of this in a few ways

Crying out to God in mourning and in thanksgiving. 

Praying for others as well as myself. 

Singing Amazing Grace and really meaning every word of all 7 verses.

Returning to scripture and asking God to keep His word as the foundation of my heart.

Some of the verses that I’m returning to over and over have become anthems for me that I go to daily to set my heart and mind in the right place.  

Hebrews 13.8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Reminding me that with or without cancer, God is still worthy of praise. For me, all these efforts to get treatment and extend my life are primarily for my three year old little girl. I don’t want her to have the pain of growing up with out her mom. But, this verse reminds me that God is the same and worthy of our praise even if she does grow up with out a mom.

I also go back to the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego from Daniel 3. 

You probably remember the story well. Everyone in their town was  told to bow down and worship a false god. The punishment for refusing was to be thrown into a fiery furnace. Everyone worshipped the gold statue, but Shadrach Meshach and Abednego refused to follow suit. Some people told the king and he was furious. 

Here’s how the Message version of the Bible tells the rest of the story:

The king questioned them and gave them a second chance to obey.

16-18 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn’t, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn’t serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”

19-23 Nebuchadnezzar, his face purple with anger, cut off Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace fired up seven times hotter than usual. He ordered some strong men to tie them up, hands and feet, and throw them into the roaring furnace. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, bound hand and foot, fully dressed from head to toe, were pitched into the roaring fire. Because the king was in such a hurry and the furnace was so hot, flames from the furnace killed the men who carried Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to it, while the fire raged around Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

24 Suddenly King Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in alarm and said, “Didn’t we throw three men, bound hand and foot, into the fire?”

“That’s right, O king,” they said.

25 “But look!” he said. “I see four men, walking around freely in the fire, completely unharmed! And the fourth man looks like a son of the gods!”

Some people say that is Jesus; I love that even though they were in a literal fire, they weren’t in it alone.  They had to go through the fire, but Jesus went through it with them.

26 Nebuchadnezzar went to the door of the roaring furnace and called in, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the most High God, come out here!”

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walked out of the fire.

27 Everyone gathered around to examine them and discovered that the fire hadn’t so much as touched the three men—not a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them! 

Next the king praises God. Shadrach Meshach and Abednego’s fiery challenge 

Gives the king a fiery passion to praise God.

28 Nebuchadnezzar said, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! He sent his angel and rescued his servants who trusted in him! They ignored the king’s orders and laid their bodies on the line rather than serve or worship any god but their own.

29 “Therefore I issue this decree: no one should speak against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. No other god can pull off a rescue like this.”

Friends, I’m in a battle where I can say— Only God can pull off the kind of rescue I need. 

But, I’d bet half my bank account most of you have felt that too.  Maybe you’ve had severe health issues,  maybe you’ve needed the courage to leave an abusive relationship,  maybe you’ve had the sorrow of losing a child,  maybe you’ve been plagued with overwhelming anxiety… 

I’m guessing that everyone of you have had a time when you thought, “only God can rescue me from this.” 

I look back at all those trials I mentioned earlier and see, yes, He jumped into the fire with me on all of them and pulled me out and actually it made me stronger than before.  So, right now, in this fire of cancer, I’m looking to the God who has rescued me time and time again and saying “I know you are able to rescue me, and I believe you will, but even if you don’t I will still praise you.”

The final scripture I return to as an anthem I’ve read with you before. Psalm 118. 

I’d like to share some of it with you again today

Psalm 118

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say:

    “His love endures forever.”

3 Let the house of Aaron say:

“His love endures forever.”

4  Let those who fear the Lord say:

    “His love endures forever.”

5 When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord;

    he brought me into a spacious place.

6 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

    What can mere mortals do to me?

7 The Lord is with me; he is my helper.

 …

8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in humans.

9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in princes.

I’m saying it’s better to trust in the Lord 

than medicine or doctors

13 I was pushed back and about to fall,

    but the Lord helped me.

14 The Lord is my strength and my defense[a];

    he has become my salvation.

15 Shouts of joy and victory

    resound in the tents of the righteous:

17 I will not die but live,

    and will proclaim what the Lord has done.

21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me;

    you have become my salvation.

27 The Lord is God,

    and he has made his light shine on us.

…

28 You are my God, and I will praise you;

    you are my God, and I will exalt you.

29 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

 Verse 17 is something I’ve especially clung to. 

At first I thought, I will live and not die so that when I am healed from cancer I can tell the miraculous story of how God healed me and what seemed impossible with man is possible with God. And, that is still what I’m counting on. 

But, I’ve begun to think I’m alive today. I can tell what God has done today. I can tell you today that He has been with me in the trenches of every fire I’ve had to walk through, and he has used them all for the good of many lives and souls. 

And, when I return to scripture it allows me to fix my thoughts on Jesus. He endured the cross scorning its shame for the joy that was set before him. And remembering that He did that, and being bought with his blood gives me the strength to be content in a small apartment, to endure the disease of cancer, and to get through the other pains that come with life in a fallen world but doing so with joy because of the promise of a glorious eternity. 

Two nights ago, as I was putting my daughter to bed we were singing “what can wash a way my sins” and she stopped me mid song and said, “Mommy mommy, the blood of Jesus, it can heal everything. Even if you die it can heal you.” 

If I could leave you with any thought this morning it would be that. The blood of Jesus can heal anything you have going on in your life. Remember He never changes even when our circumstances do, lay your burdens at the foot of His cross, and let His blood bringing healing to your life.  

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HEALTH UPDATE

So, what does it mean for me that the clinical trial isn’t shrinking my tumors? To catch some of you up to speed on what I’ve done before I answer that, I’ve already done 3 kinds of chemo and radiation. The clinical trial I’ve been in is my fourth form of treatment. There are no other FDA approved treatments that have been effective at treating my kind of cancer. I have a biopsy scheduled for Thursday. The results of the biopsy will show if the immunotherapy trial I’ve been on has changed the genetic make up of my tumors. If it has I can continue on the trial. If it hasn’t then I’ll need to start searching for other clinical trials or treatments at different hospitals and clinics. My oncologist thinks I’ll have to begin a search for other clinical trials. She is willing to help me. My family might have to move in order for me to continue to have effective treatment options. I’m really hoping that I won’t have to move, but if we do have to move there’s a promising clinical trial in Cleveland that I’m looking into which would get me closer to my family and I’d be thankful for that. Yet, I am willing to go wherever I need to get treatments. I’ll try to write a short update after I get my biopsy results. 

Separately I had a chalazion in my eye. It has healed. 

OTHER UPDATES

I’m still a super Warriors fan and even though they’ve had a few embarrassing losses recently they are still number 1 in the western conference and still the favorites to be champions this year. 

I lead prayer in the SF Prayer Room every Wednesday night from 6-9 pm.  I’d love it if you join me some time. 

My landlord offered to let us move to a bigger apartment and even gave us the keys. She later changed her mind and took the keys back. I was absolutely heartbroken and cried for days. Now, I’m wondering if God kept us from moving because we might have to move so I can get treatment elsewhere. 

We were gifted tickets to see Hamilton and loved it! It left me wanting to live in a way that gives others freedom. 

My husband, family, and friends threw me TWO surprise birthday parties. I’ve lived to be 40 and I’m pretty thankful about that. 

I threw a small birthday party for Catica. The week after her party she snuggled up on my lap and we had this conversation,  C: Mama, you did such a good job. Me: A good job on what, Baby? C: My party. You set everything up so nice and perfect.  My heart melted.  

PRAYER REQUEST

Please pray for miraculous results to this biopsy and miraculous healing. God is able to do more than we can ask or imagine. 

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*I know I’ve already told this story on my blog before but I love to share it whenever I can as it keeps my perspective in check. 

This happened on January 26 when I received the Gianna Molla award at the West Coast Walk for Life. A few days after the Walk my daughter told our friend about the event like this, “They had some pictures of Gianna Molla and gave us one. Mommy talked and everyone clapped.” I think that’s a pretty good description. 

You can see the speech here: https://www.walkforlifewc.com/chastidy-receiving-st-gianna-molla-award-opening-prayer-and-more/

My clinical trial drugs have taken away my fingerprints, but in some miraculous gift from God, today one of my fingerprints is working to unlock my phone again. I am seriously crying thankful happy tears in a coffee shop over this.

Thursday I went to the Warriors game and celebrated a big win. Hmmm… you watched the Warriors vs. Bucks game? You saw the score? You doubt what I’m saying?

Let me tell you how it all went down. 

Way back in September I began a clinical trial at UCSF. I’ve had three infusions on this clinical trial. So far, it feels more tolerable than my last regimen. The trial includes having an infusion of Avastin and Keytruda at the hospital. Then for two weeks I take chemo pills (eight pills of Xeloda a day). Then I get a week off. 

The side effects I’ve experienced get increasingly worse during the two weeks of Xeloda pills, but during the week off I seem to get back to my normal self.  Side effects I’ve experienced include colitis, sensitive and dry hands and feet (they feel like they are bruised), fatigue and maybe a few other things I can’t think of right now. But, that’s not the winning part and that’s what I want to focus on. 

In my time on the trial I’ve had a couple scary moments with passing bloody stool; at 2 am a few weeks ago I even wrote a good bye letter to my little girl*. But shortly after I put pen to paper the on-call oncologist let me know that the small 3 drops of blood I saw and my lack of pain could assure me my colon wasn’t perforated and I’d live to see another day. And I’ve lived to see many other days. 

On one of those “another days” a friend contacted me to offer us tickets to a Warriors game. She’s followed my blog and we’ve know each other for quite some time, so she knew I’d be thrilled to attend a game. She told me the dates we could choose from, we chose a Thursday game because our friend Shireen watches our daughter every Thursday, it also happened to be against a competitive team. It turned out we could receive four tickets to the game so we invited some good friends who love the Warriors as much as we do. The friend giving the tickets casually mentioned they were good seats. We looked up pictures of her family at the game and saw them sitting in what looked to be the second tier of the stadium. We were still very thankful for the tickets but thought that wasn’t exactly how we’d describe good seats. They transferred the tickets to us digitally, I opened them up and saw section 105 row 16— much better than the second tier— woot woot! Then I looked at all four tickets; two of them were court side— PARTY!!

I was scheduled for CT scans the day after the game. But the day before the game I spoke to the coordinator of my clinical trial and she told me my oncologist would like me to get my scan on Thursday and she wanted to have them read and give me a report that day as well. Its very rare to get the report the same day, but for various reasons the Beyonce of oncology my oncologist thought it would be best to work it out like that.  It created a tight time frame for us to make it to the game on time, but it was more important than seeing tip-off so we made it work. I had my scans, came home to get ready for the game, and went back to the hospital for results. Matthew dropped me off, took our daughter to Shireen’s house, then returned to pick me up. 

One of my favorite M.A.’s got my vitals then let my oncologist know I was ready. When my oncologist came in I light heartedly said, “You’re going to tell me all my tumors have shrunk, I’m doing well, I can go home and keep doing what I’m doing.” 

“That’s exactly right. Thanks for doing my job for me. See you later.” She said as she sat down and further explained the details of how it was exactly right. 

You guys, the clinical trial is being effective! I’m so thankful, praising God, and hoping it continues. Thanks for your prayers and following along on this journey with me. 

So, we walked into Oracle arena that night having already won (free tickets for us and two friends, court side seats, we made it on time for tip off, and shrinking tumors). We were celebrating no matter what the score was. A total blow out couldn’t have brought my mood down that night. 

*Avastin very very rarely can cause bowel perforation which can be fatal. One sign of that is passing blood. 

We also have friends that work on the stats team for the Warriors and they took us all around the stadium after the game. We got to go on the court, sit in Steve Kerr’s seat, and hear all sorts of interesting behind the scenes stories. 

Nitty Gritty Details about my health:

The most important thing is that the clinical trial has so far been effective. The tumors are all shrinking. I’m so thankful for that and just really praising God. I can happily live with any of the side effects that come along if this drug combination leads to being cancer free. 

Comparing this treatment to my last, there are some things that make it much easier. I only have infusion every three weeks instead of every two weeks (winning!). I haven’t had any nausea. 

At the same time, I do have some side effects I’d really appreciate prayers for. These drugs have caused me to have colitis which gives me frequent, urgent, uncontrollable need to use the restroom. On the way to the game we had to stop twice for me to find a toilet. I went into a small corner store to try to use theirs and the owner refused. I even tried to play the cancer card (which I’ve only done once before. Both times it was unsuccessful.) I told him if he didn’t let me use his restroom I’d leave him a crappy deposit on his sidewalk. He said he didn’t care. I left the literally crappy deposit for him just as I’d promised. I don’t think anyone saw it happen. I’m not proud, but I always keep my word. And, desperate times call for desperate measures. If my life is ever made into a movie I’m sure that will be a scene of comedic relief. The workers at Boston Market were much more accommodating.

In addition to the colitis I have mild hand/foot syndrome which basically means my hands and feet are sensitive, swollen, itchy, and dry. It’s not bad, though, in comparison to what I’ve seen from others on Xeloda. And, as the two weeks of Xeloda pills progress my side effects progress. I am tired, but it’s not a fatigue that keeps me from functioning. I just constantly feel like I could use a shot of espresso. The week off gets me feeling back to normal and then I start all again.

 Music encouraging me recently: The Upper Room worship (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ei3rS6zSroo).  I suppose the style of worship music I love makes me a quarter Pentecostal.  

I’m starting my clinical trial right now.

The drugs included are xeloda, keytruda, and avastin. I’ll be getting infusions every three weeks and taking a pill chemo (xeloda) for two weeks following each infusion. I have a week off then start the cycle over.

Sometime soon I’ll write a thorough update, in the meantime here is a quick glimpse of what’s going on: 

- I completed 16 rounds of radiation

- To celebrate we walked the Courage Over Cancer 5K and went to the Barry Bonds jersey retirement Giants game. 

- Chemo is no longer working to shrink my tumors

- So I’m waiting to start a clinical trial