Southern Exposure

I’m going to need all the shit storms and what not to take a chill pill.

Love,

Hi!! Oh my gosh.

So where am I?!

Odin is doing amazing and really our struggles are academics but only one hurdle with lots of moving parts to get over... he’s in inclusion first grade and I think he will be in an inclusion setting until at least fourth grade. But the theory is once he can read, we will see the gifted stuff shine and he’ll be challenged and fulfilled by School. While his school is finally figuring out how to service him, they have an amazing program for gifted children. Odin is good for this school. They need to learn to provide the community with a public school that can help these Aspergers/Mild Asd/SPD kids. We shouldn’t be forced to send our kids to private school.

I went back to work full time at the end of July which after six years is still a challenge. We are figuring it out. Sick kids is the hard part and all their holidays. I make enough money to pay for Ada’s Montessori school but the extra childcare costs suck. I love my job and I’m super happy here so that is the shining positive plus we have health insurance and no longer rely on the state for the kids insurance so that money can go to other kids who need it.

Ada is amazing. She transitioned to pre school amazingly. She is super verbal, huge vocabulary, counting, singing and so much more. She turned three last month. I could write a book about her but I’ll spare you all.

I look back at what people have said about my weight or size and while some were not meant as I took them, the majority were said out of jealousy, ignorance and just people who lived to be unkind.

Weight is a number, the number is unimportant. Health is what is important. All those comments, were bullshit because what I had at those moments was health. I was super fit, healthy, ate well. And dude, my hair is awesome, I don’t cut it for anyone but me, still to this day.

I’m 36 and I need to love myself a lot more. I’ve had two babies cut from me and I’m still strong. I’m lucky to have this body, this vessel. I sometimes need to remind myself.

*this is not a real letter but something I need to let go.

To whom is may concern:

I want to be skinny. I want to be skinny. I want to be skinny.

You told me I’d be perfect if I cut off all my hair and lost like twenty pounds then I’d be amazing. I was 5ft 7in and 128lbs.

Every girl you cheated on me/ditched me for was tiny and elfish. Every girl. Even their voices were tiny.

You said, “oh you have thunder thighs.”

You said, “wow, you’re the heaviest girl I’ve ever dated.”

You said, “oh my last girlfriend was the same height but like 120lbs.”

You said, “you look thick.”

“You’ll never look as good as you did on your wedding day.”

“You’re butt got big.”

“There is no way you’re a small, no way.”

“Oh she has some sort of eating problem.”

“Another day, another thing.”

“Yes but she has to be that thin/fit because she’s expected to be because she makes so much money.”

“You need to eat something you looo terrible.”

This is is a completely private struggle I think only my husband is finally noticed. I lack disordered eating and I hide my feelings super well. This has been comments since sophomore year of high school. These are from friends, boyfriends, guys, girls, co workers, bosses.

So as I struggle to lose the last 15lbs of baby weight which I can’t really call it anymore, these flash through my head because I remember shit. I remember too much shit and then I process it over and over.

I’m at the point where I don’t want to be around new people because i dislike the way I look.

My child’s eyes like literally cannot read. So now we attack that full force.

This child with the beautiful pallet and spaced teeth, perfect for avoiding major orthodontia, poor muscle tone in his mouth...

This child with the biggest, most stunning eyes...the muscles in his eyes are not doing their job...

His brilliance without being able to read is immeasurable.

Sure, I wish it was just “he needs glasses.” But, hey why not?

Odin had a developmental vision evaluation. His scores were non existent in most areas but one. Vision therapy and educational accommodations are recommended. Now with our lawyer, we ask the school for help because yes, this affects his academics.

This was the first time I wondered... is all of this, all of these challenges and struggles, from a birth injury? My husband said it doesn’t matter, why think back? And he’s right because I didn’t care before about the whys.

So yep, that’s what’s new.

2. Odin went to a father son Christian camp in the mountains of NY. I was not thrilled with the idea of a conservative Christian camp with ideas that are not inclusive being thrown at my kid but my husband wanted to take him to the mountains and minus the religious aspect, it was perfect for my close to typical atypical kid. Note: I do not have a problem with Christianity or any belief system. I baptized both my kids and I believe in something greater than myself. I don’t believe that a 20 something year old typical cis male should be telling my child that if you haven’t found and accepted God, you’re going to hell... Odin’s beautiful mind doesn’t work like that. He can’t even remember his relatives names but he can tell you what species, family and all that crap humans and apes belong in. Luckily Odin didn’t hear this. Am I supposed to believe this all loving god only lets people who can say they’ve accepted god and Jesus not burn in hell? I mean so god created Odin and the natives of the Amazon just so they could burn? Yea nope. Luckily Odin took nothing from that propganda and my husband, no pun intended, did play devils advocate at the fireside chats and I am pretty sure has a big black X next to his name. Odin had a great time at camp. He told the other kids he was named after a Viking god and only one kid got mad. Ha! Odin caught and released a small mouth bass, identified snakes, bugs, plants and all that.

3. I start work at the end of this month. Yes, six years as a stay at home mom and now I scramble to figure out where Ada will be and who’ll cover the two weeks before Odin heads back to school. Who’s panicking? I’m not... ha. I totally am.

I have sparse freelance. I need a w2 job with benefits and I’ve applied to hundreds of jobs since November. I went on an interview and I felt really awesome but now radio silence.

My retouching is kicking ass but I need a full time position.

I turned down an interview possibly for a good pay position because well, they sold AR 15s and confederate flag gear. I’m a yankee. Actually my grandparents got here after the civil war so that flag is just... well you know.

Yes I need I come and better insurance but..