i make sense

The final straw was when I told him that I was at the point in my therapy that I needed to take a break from sex -- & wait until I wanted to have sex again.

He said, "No! I don't agree to that!"

This is the same man who asked me how long it was going to take me to heal & get over this -- "this" being my lifelong sexual & mental abuse. He frequently threatened divorce -- if I was going to take much longer. Threatening me with abandonment didn't sit too well with me. I felt like he had already become an enemy to me. Because an enemy wouldn't care about your growth & healing. They would want you to stay small & broken.

We had to have dates per marriage counseling & he would just pull out his phone & point out stars. But not to start a conversation, or as an icebreaker. That was the date -- him on his phone, telling me random shit. But I wasn't allowed to be on my phone because I needed to give him my undivided attention.

He stopped loving me when I got pregnant, gained weight, cut my hair off & survived the additional trauma of an emergency c-section & the resulting postpartum depression -- all by myself. He continued his life as usual, taking his week-long business trips, twice a month. I became a different person & he didn't care about this person that I was. He only agreed to the sexy, long-haired trophy wife that everyone always looked at & complimented him on.

He showed me that he didn't love the person that I was inside. He only loved me when I was drunk & wild. But how many years can a person be that way? I gave him 10 years of that drunken, wild woman. The one who drank herself into oblivion to keep the trauma processing away. But then I saw the person that I was becoming. I didn't want to just sit around & drink every single night of my life. He loved me when I drank & had sex while I was basically black out drunk. That's the woman he loved.

Becoming a mother changed me forever. I wanted to be the best, healthiest mother for my children. I poured my heart & soul into being a mother that would prioritize my children's safety & supported their growth & creativity. I knew that there was a better way to parent than the way that I was parented -- & the way my ex was parented. Once he was no longer my solitary focus in life, he didn't love me anymore. He told me hundreds of times that the only way he felt love was physically -- only when he had sex with me. That's the only way or time that he felt love.

So I know that all of this worked out for the best. If I had stayed with him, I would still be frozen in my healing process. And I don't think my children would be who they are today. In his absence, I taught them how to do what feels right for themselves. I taught them kindness from day 1. They are very confident in themselves. I always supported their interests & encouraged them, instead of inhibiting them. I did not demand that they become little versions of me.

I'm releasing these thoughts because they still bubble up from time to time. I know I did the right thing. And the kids now understand that doing the right thing isn't the easy thing. They also learned that we could handle anything -- as long as we talked about things as they came up. Being open with & accepting each other -- wherever we were & however we were feeling.