Volatile Essence

I woke up this morning and immediately hopped on Twitter to try to get a handle on the news. I know the app has become less useful when it comes to that, but it's hard to break old habits.

What I found this morning, and what I've seen for days, are stories of the bravery of young adults shouting down police officers, standing up to cowardly administrations, and fighting for what they believe is right.

It has been a hard semester, a hard year, for me. My students have become increasingly disengaged in the classroom and it is hard to get students to attend events on campus. It's hard to not be concerned that COVID broke something in the student body.

But these encampments and solidarity protests are giving me hope.

These students are shutting shit down.

I worry about their safety. Police showing up in riot gear, the calling up of counterterrorism units, the threat of some members of the faculty, and the specter of the National Guard all make me concerned that someone is going to get hurt.

But, these kids are living their response to that question: What would I have done if I had been there?

I have to goddam teach twice a week. What the fuck!

Why, hello friends. Long time, no see.

2023 was hell. I forgot about this blog for a bit. Opened up tumblr to see I have no idea how this interface works anymore - how do I see my people?

I think, in the coming year, I'm going to be posting here more. Given the state of everything, I don't feel as safe sharing myself in certain public spaces - both digital and physical. tumblr might become a safe home for me again. I hope.

How have you all been? Fill me in on your lives?

I got an email from Tumblr randomly and then decided to come here and say hey.

I rolled out of bed, made coffee, ate breakfast, and did a bunch of work all unshowered and still in my PJs.

I don't feel well. Head cold.

Reached out to both friends I wrote about - have a coffee date with one and the other and I had an exchange. I can never get over my worry when someone goes quiet.

I'm exhausted. Maybe it's the light? The travel? But I'm spent.

Today was the first full 8 hours I put in since semester end - that may be related to the above.

I hate and love writing, but revising is the worst. The introduction to my book is giving me fits.

I have two friends I dearly love and am in weird places with them both.

The one can come on strong, love bombing in a way, but then will go quiet and choose not to respond. I know they are dealing with issues of their own, but it's always unsettling when it happens. We go from talking almost every day to - most recently - not talking for a week. I send little feeler texts and hear nothing. A simple, "I'm taking a break and we'll talk soon" would be enough, but I don't even get that. This is someone who's dealt with some major issues, so it always makes me nervous. They decided to send feelers my way, but haven't responded to my texts and I've decided - after the last one I sent - to just let it be. They know where I am and how to get a hold of me, but I don't have it in me to do more.

I think a lot about Jusky's sources and drains post from years ago and, while things aren't always super simple, that still resonates a lot with me - thinking about what you put into the world and what you take from it. I think I'm dangerously close to being tapped out.

The other friendship is decades old and means the world to me. It's trying for an entirely different reason. This friend is in serious counseling has been working to recover from a spate of bad relationships and now is in the middle of one that - while better than most of the past ones - has them falling into old patterns. I love this person dearly but I don't know if I have it in me to watch them do this again. It feels like I'm having the same conversations. And I feel like a bitch. I want to be happy for them. I want them to be happy - but I feel like Cassandra, seeing how awful it is while my friend is blind to it and I'm just staring in horror, waiting for it to all go bad.

I'm worn out.

This second friend comes with the complication that we have a shared friend who urges them to do all the things I tend to counsel against. Our mutual is always "go go go" with no real desire to think of longterm ramifications. So, I end up in this weird situation of trying to be supportive and not overbearing, but my friend's behavior is unhealthy and it's the same pattern and I've felt myself drawing away from that one at times lately, too. The complicating shared friend makes it easy as they push their way into everything and tend to frame me as a bitch, frankly.

It's a new year and I guess I'm contemplating how to move forward, what I want to do and who I want to be.

I'm exhausted. By so much.

One of the most difficult, though, is navigating friendship as an adult. I have a core of about 6 women I'm close to, but who are not physically close to me. I have a handful of friends in town, but one is being weird and uncommunicative these days. The others don't really contact me for anything.

One of them lives down the road from me and I almost never hear from unless there's a big group thing.

I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me. Am I defective? Too intense? Forgettable?

I just want someone I could call up and meet at a coffeeshop and chat and chill with.

Only half of my drunk shopping adventure turned out okay and I woke up wanting nachos.

This is my first week back in classes and it's been HELL.