Colaa

dear one,

all there ever will be is you. You’re the only one that’s supposed to be truly on your side. The rest of it is all an imagination anyway. People live for themselves and you should do the same. I know your heart aches within your chest. That sometimes you have to lay down and let it hurt for an hour before you can move on for a few days. It takes a lot to drag the past behind you on a leech, unable to let go. What’s happened cannot be changed, you know. It’s hard and it’s emotional and it’s fucking devastating sometimes. Don’t you dare lose yourself in the fact that you’re just a human too. Those moment where you’re lying down, chest aching, tears streaming out of your eyes, why are they supposed to be negative? I think you should see it as recharging. Putting a new battery inside yourself. Healing, I suppose. No, not everything is okay. You’re angry and hurt and scared and you feel a whirlwind of emotions every second of this day. You’ve had it tough and overthinking everything in life makes you one of the most lonely creatures on this earth. But you got through this day and you’re going to get through the exact same day tomorrow. It’s not yet known how many bumps there will be in the road. If it will involve crying, screaming, crawling into a dark corner of the house, pulling up the duvet to just lay beneath it and let it all hurt and ache. But you can make sure that you get through everything exactly like you did today. Because you’re here, typing this and realizing that it’s almost 12 am again and this day will be finished. Checked of. 9th of september 2019 will forever be lost in the dark universe of days this earth has existed. And you have survived. You are still here.

So yes, hurting is normal. Doubting is normal. Feeling anxiety and panick is normal. And letting your heart ache a few times a week is not a bad thing if it makes you move forward. Because that’s all that matters. You have a heart of a fighter. You were abandoned and saved and abandoned and saved again and you got through those days. that day in october, forever lost in the universe but you made it through. You did, you did. You’re still here and that day is forever dust and you can’t help it and you did what you could, because you got through it even though it must have been one of the most horrible days to ever exist. Don’t you dare give up when you have fought your way through feeling like the utmost worthless piece of shit on this planet. That was the lowest of lows and what’s going on now can’t even be compared. Let yourself hurt and let yourself cry. Let yourself soak your pillow with never ending tears until they suddenly do end. Stand up, wipe away your tears, breathe in and out and move forward. Before you know it the day will be over and you will have survived another one that’s never going to be experienced again.

I promised I wouldn’t feel like this again

That I wouldn’t be so quick to love

And so excited by the pain

But I can’t seem to follow instructions

I’m too caught up in the destruction

Of all that I built on your foundation,

That you left on my collar

To remind me that I was supposed to be yours

I promised I wouldn’t hurt myself again

But my promises don’t mean as much

As they did back then

Back when I had something to lose

Back when I had to hide every new bruise

Then no one would know the real me

I said I was over all those feelings

That I didn’t love you

But it’s written on the ceiling

That I still do

So loving yourself comes with also forgiving yourself from ever feeling or thinking less than. You are capable of so much and even if you trip and mess up, you are still capable of so much! So don’t hold on to any anger or resentment towards yourself and others.

I think I wouldnt know, blatant hate, if love had not existed.

I know agony, because time isnt a virtue of brevity and I am horribly limited.

I would toss my grief in the ocean, kick and scream and it would give a sunlit horizon.

Or I could let it consume me, the tempest would engulf the soul in its rage.

I can soothe it, with promises of a future I dare not think of;