Lack of Originality

So far this year, I’ve been trying to keep to myself at home. I usually go into my room when I get back and just close the door, and I rarely even make an effort to hang out with my housemates. I feel a disconnect most of the time, but that’s expected. What I didn’t expect was walking upstairs and overhearing so much talking behind people’s backs or hearing about problems with roommates without it being addressed directly. It extends even further. I hear about these problems that there are in one of the clubs I’m in; so much shit talking behind people’s backs, issues not being addressed, and more drama in general. It’s draining.  

It’s weird. I see all these people in a club I call(ed?) family, and I can’t even open up to them. I feel as if I’m wearing the mask when I go in, and I’m afraid to take it off. Why does it feel like that to me now? It feels different. I really felt the difference this past quarter. It was almost like a self-contained social experiment for me. I had two karaoke events to go to: one for each club. With RCC, I felt more welcome and more open to sing my heart out. With FUSION, I felt more disconnected, and I wish I could explain why. The feeling will probably only ever make sense to me.

I’ve been hanging out with a great group of people the past few nights. Fast forward to last night. About 24 hours ago. After a couple of rounds of hot seat just getting to know more about each other (even the juicier stuff), we changed pace and started opening up to group discussion over different questions. One in particular really struck me the most, and it allowed all of us to really open up. Because of this, I have so much more respect for each of those individuals that night, and I’m honestly so grateful to be able to open up to them the way I used to be able to open up all my deep feelings to people in FUSION (Raul I’m talking about you). 

The question I’m talking about went along the lines of: What were our low points in our lives, and how did we overcome it? I listened to everybody’s heartfelt responses to that question, and it really opened my eyes to their each individual character. I waited till the end to answer. I experienced several low points, but in particular was most of my third year in college. I was going through a lot of personal problems at home and at school. I was struggling in my classes and even got straight D’s my fall quarter. I was having way too many problems with the girl I was seeing at that point. I experienced the tragic loss of my grandmother on New Year’s. I was able to reveal all of this and more in so much detail with the group I was with last night. It’s always around this time of year that I’m filled with so much emotion: both happiness and sadness, and it’s overwhelming. I’m glad to have that group of genuine friends to open up to last night. 

This afternoon, we had a little photo shoot at Bill Barber park. This was a fun little way to enjoy ourselves and to also sort of empower each other, complimenting each other and taking some damn good pictures. There was one I liked in particular of myself, sitting up on high rock. I captioned it with my feelings in mind from the previous night, where we talked about our low points and how we overcame them. I guess this helped define the type of relationship I had with those two clubs I’m in. With one I was able to open up all those feelings and receive support, with the other, I had two people focus on a typo I had in my caption. One messaged me directly just to point out I had a typo and didn’t even like the picture, and the other just commented on my picture to correct my typo. I tend to see the symbolism in people’s actions and words, and this instance was just so telling to me.