I'm A Nobody...

That it is, dear reader, that it is.

I’m lucky. I’m still a citizen of that land that gave me birth. But my spouse will need a visa. And we have stuff*. And we have pets that we’re not abandoning, because the very idea makes me hyperventilate. And we’ll need a place to live because my relatives will put up with me for only so long and I don’t have a large family - just the opposite, in fact. And we’ll need to buy food and bus tickets and a bed to sleep on in between job-hunting and navigating the intricacies of immigration.

I’ve done the research. I’ve talked to fellow repatriated immigrants who’ve trodden this same path and asked them what the real cost was to import a spouse, to bring a pet, to shift the furniture. I assure you, those numbers are not being pulled out of my ear.

Paperwork - passport renewals, duplicate copies of essential things that will be needed at different stages of the process, replacement of said essential things paperwork that GODDAMNIT I’ve managed to lose over the years - is going to take about $800, alone. $800 - $1000 to freight the household goods. $1600+ to ship the cats. $3000 - $5000 for the spouse’s visa application (fellow ex-immigrants who cut and run assure me this is how much they spent importing their partners). $2000 for airfares (assume high, but pray for a sale, right?). $1500 - $2000 in miscellany during those lovely weeks post-return but pre-first-paycheck because cats need feeding and humans need bus / train fares while we job hunt all over the place. Thank god I have an auntie who’ll take us in for the first couple of weeks but, after that, we’re on our own. (Guests and fish, my friends, guests and fish). And, to top it all off, 25% - 28% of any crowdfunding is automatically vaped by payment processors and the IRS.

And that’s why 95% of the people who swear they’re going to leave the country if So-and-so wins end up staying where they are, regardless.

Hey, wow, you found my Tumblr. Well done, you savvy online detective*.

So what the fuck is going on, here? 

I should think it’s pretty obvious. I’m an immigrant in the USA. I’m profoundly disturbed by the new administration and the fact that apparently at least 52% of the voting population around me consists of racist fuckheads, so I guess it’s time to leave.

Great, so just GO already!

HAHAHA. If only it was that easy! The days of showing up at the border with only the colorful native garb on one’s back are long over – just ask any Syrian refugee how much success they’re having with that approach.

If 61 million wingnut motherfuckers are going to drive me out of the country, they can pay for me to go. And I’m taking the spouse, the cats, the tools we need for our respective careers - all of it. And that shit gets expensive – relatively speaking. Hell, if I could get one penny per Trump voter I could flat out buy my spouse a passport in the Olde Country**. As it is, I’m looking for a less than a hundredth of a penny per Trump voter. That’s a bargain, right? Right!

But, but, maybe you should STAY AND FIGHT!

Says the person who’s probably quite secure in the migration status. (And probably white.) I respect the people who aren’t frightened shitless by the 45th President and his régime, but I am – scared shitless, I mean - and the way I see it, it’s best if I get out of here before I get sent to a goddamn camp or something.

Crowdfunding is the big thing so, fuck yeah, I’ll jump on that bandwagon. $15,000 and I’m out of here in six months. $25,000 and I’ll be gone even sooner. There are reasons for the timing, but they’re none of your business. Seriously, they’re not. But you can learn more about the numbers in my next post.

Questions? Ask away. Answers are only guaranteed if you make a donation to the fund. Fuck yeah, I’m mercenary.  

PS. No, I won’t tell you my real name, where I am or anything of that nature. See “61 million wingnut mofos”, above.