| ephemeral |

a part of him hates himself for loving you

he knew. he knew you were but a mortal, a fleeting love and a fleeting life. and yet, he lowered his guard. he let himself love, he let himself feel joy and bask in your warmth that the lingering thought of ‘temporary’ left his veins

but holding you like this—in his arms, in his cold cold arms that already missed your missing warmth, his bloodied gloves and sunny irises:

he hates you. he hates you for loving him. he hates himself for loving you. he should’ve never subjected himself to this pain—

but he’ll never stop loving the memories of you

“Sorry, Xiao,” You smiled weakly, chest heaving with restrained coughs as the Yaksha winced, cradling you in his arms as the moon began to rise.

“Don’t speak. Conserve your energy,” The Adeptus disregarded your words, his heart pounding against his chest with a pain so unfamiliar, a pain of heartache he wish he never experienced.

Maybe, if he had rejected you that fateful night—he’d feel this pain still. He’d feel it, just, earlier.

Would it be worth it? To sacrifice your memories, your love— for an easier farewell. Maybe, if he had never fallen in love with you, maybe, if you had just stayed in your mortal life and never seeked him out—maybe it would be you who was crying on his behalf.

Gazing down at you, Xiao’s grip on the fabrics of your shirt tightened. You had changed since he first met you—wrinkles adorned your face, [e/c] eyes drooping and your bones were stiffer and more fragile than his ever was.

And yet, he loved you like the first time he met you—though he’d never admit it, appearance never really mattered to him anyways. Though he held a youthful visual, he knew that if his true age was put into a look... it’d be nothing more than skin and bones.

“I love you, Xiao.”

“Don’t.”

Don’t. Don’t make him love you even more, don’t make him miss you before you had even left.

Don’t. Don’t leave him—don’t leave him stranded again, destined to fight against demons and protect Liyue even after its archon’s passing. 

Don’t, don’t make him cry uncharacteristic tears. Don’t make him long for a love that was gone.

xiao would put you to rest once the beat of your heart comes to a stop

he is painfully familiar with the traditions of a passing. he is familiar with the way he’d set someone down into the earth. he is familiar with the soil and the rain and the moon and the stars

he—adeptus xiao—was familiar with death. in fact, he dealed in it

this is most likely xiao’s first time watching someone die from old age

or—someone he loves

he is used to the realm of immortals, he is used to watching them be murdered or sabotaged. but never has he seen old age take someone

and he wished to never see it again.

xiao would close his heart from the world—if it wasn’t closed already, it’d be barricaded by twice the amount. thorns used to block the outside world would stab his own heart, and xiao would only know grief for a period of time

he’d find himself coming back to your final resting place, he’d find himself planting glaze lilies and flowers at your grave as he mourns a lost love

he—still hates you. he hates the love you gave him and the love you shared... but now it doesn’t hurt so much anymore

your death would only prompt him to become stronger. to become colder, to hate the world even more than he already does

zhongli would sometimes visit xiao, and even he is pained by your death. the world—it twisted and turned, it moved and wove tales with the strings of fate...

but never before has xiao wished he was mortal. if he were mortal, he could pass peacefully. if he were mortal, he could meet you again

mortals.

xiao hates mortals.

he hates them because being mortal was what took you away from him

the touch of death has numbed to zhongli

he has experienced it far too much, but watching you fade in his arms was probably the worst yet most bittersweet way to go

on one hand, zhongli is relieved. he is relieved that you passed peacefully, he is relieved that you left without any pain

yet on the other hand, he is heartbroken. he is broken to watch yet another loved one go, he is broken to have to arrange the casket that you will sleep eternally in

zhongli is grateful. he is grateful to ever meet you, he is grateful to have the honor of putting a ring on your finger and being able to lock your lips with his. he is grateful for so many things and yet he still wants more

he wishes to hold you until time itself fades, he wishes to experience the present with you instead of dwelling on the past that you so regrettably will become apart of

he, zhongli, consultant of wangsheng’s funeral parlor—wished for time. a time he so selfishly held as an immortal.

“The glaze lilies are beautiful today, are they not?” Zhongli hummed, sipping on some tea as he gazed fondly out of the window. His warm coat did nothing to prevent the cold of his side, the lack of your voice or the missing light from your eyes.

Everyday was the same. Everyday was him sitting—alone—in the funeral parlor, the pungent smell of death and cremations flooding his senses as all he could do was watch. Watch the world go by, watch his friends and loved ones die one by one as he was subjected to an eternal dance of loss.

Though, Zhongli knows that you will never truly die as long as you are in his heart. He remembers your smile, your laughs, your growing pains and complaints, your eventual wisdom and hearty laugh that you shared with him moments before your time.

He remembers so much, he loves so much, he loves you and who you were, he loves you and all of you.

“I must admit, I miss you terribly,” The consultant’s voice softened, his fingers setting the tea in his hands down as a lump formed in his throat.

“Yet I would never regret loving you.”

zhongli would stay painfully normal

he does not want your death to hinder him—he knows you would not want that. so he lives life, he carries on—but your memory never leaves

your stories and triumphs will be the topic for one of his best stories. and that otherworldly traveler... he hopes they carry on your legacy with each and every world they visit

and he hopes you... you and your beautiful smiles, you and your love and your kindness and your ambitions—

he hopes you are resting peacefully in the flowers he prepared for you

venti would strum you your favorite tunes as you pass

a bittersweet smile paints his face as your back rests against his chest, frail and weak coughs leaving your system as you heave for a single breath

do you remember? do you remember the way the two of you used to climb the tree at windrise? do you remember how you’d drag him from the late diluc’s tavern? do you remember how you’d stay up late at night listening to his songs and mindless chatter?

he remembers. he remembers watching you grow, he remembers standing beside you as you ran for your dreams. he remembered gliding with you aboard the strange island of time you insisted on exploring

“I love you, so so so so so much, [Y/N]...” Venti would muster, wiping his tears as you couldn’t even turn around to gaze at him. To gaze at his youthful form and unchanging appearance, to gaze into those azure eyes you had fallen for and his scheming tactics. 

Burying his nose into the crook of your neck, Venti took one deep breath. He loved the way you smelled, how it seemed like you rolled in a field of sweet flowers (though he knew your stiff bones would never allow such a thing), how you used to play along with his schemes when you were younger.

Venti loves you, and all of you. He loved you when you were a young adult, he loved you when you were middle-aged, he loved you when you were an elder.

He love love love love loves you, so much so that it seemed to overpower the pain.

He knew your time was up, he knew his time with you was gone, but he persists on with your memory.

mondstadt has surely changed ever since your passing

venti finds himself waddling into angel’s share twice a day, even if he can’t afford it. he finds himself on the receiving end of pitied gazes and free drinks (for no reason, though everyone knows the reason). he finds the way klee is no longer a child and the way the honorary knight never visits mondstadt anymore quite jarring

he finds himself—lost. he has lost so many, watched so many go, held so many fallen friends in his hands that he can no longer count

though, he misses you. a lot, actually. when klee is busy being an adult and bombing abyss mages instead of fish, venti finds himself weaving tunes of your valor and honor at the statue of—himself

he finds himself longing for you, loving you as if you were still by his side. he sings and sings, strumming his lyre so much that he hopes you can hear them from the heavens

and after—after he has made his and your mark on the newer generation, venti, the windborne bard, falls into a slumber

he sleeps. he sleeps in celestia in hopes of dreaming a dream with you. he sleeps in hope of finding you in a neverland so beautiful

he hopes that one day when he descends once more amongst his people—he hopes you will be there. just like the first time he met you.

Authors Note: Hi loves! this one is a little bit of a guilty pleasure piece I wanted to do, so hope you enjoy! I know there are some hefty content warnings but it’s mostly just to be safe this time. it’s a little slow at the beginning but stay with me HAHA

There is some comfort at the end dw dw <3

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Venti pushed his body a little too much sometimes- friends called him reckless, scolding him for falling or injuring himself when he’d go out more often than not. He didn’t see the problem with it! He always made it home okay- he just pushed a little too far sometimes....He didn’t know why they were so worried about him- he had done it for years in the war, and he was still here. But they’d always drag him home at the end, and he’d be a bit beat up for a few days- but after that he was completely fine.

But he’d gone a bit too far this time- he’d gone to fight some fatui on his own, he knew there was a risk but he just didn’t care- he wanted to take it. Wanted to feel the rush. So he did- and he was doing just fine- worked up a bit of a sweat, but he was fine. He just kept dodging and handled it well, raining arrows down on them- until one came up behind him, blindsighting him, and hitting him in the back and onto the ground- and then hit him in the side with her spell and then the hip and the chest- she just kept hitting him with magic, taking more and more energy out of his body until everything went dark- but he didn’t care....he felt the pain, yet he wasn’t scared...it was all okay….

Until he woke up.

“-Mmh“ He whined, starting to wake up, all drowsy, his eyes heavy. Immediately , he tried to sit up, head pounding- god his whole body ached..

“Stop.” A voice replied, pushing him back down gently and patting something cold on his face, and he sighed with relief. It felt super soothing...probably a cloth or something- Jean had done it a few times when she dragged him home and put some aloe on it with water.

“mhmp...” Venti tried to roll over out of the way, squirming weakly, but Xiao held him steady, patting the cloth on his face.

“Stay still, Barbatos.” He grumbled and Venti picked up his voice then- he was still quite out of it, but he knew Xiao’s voice from the past. They’d spent quite some time together..

“Venti works...stop- I’m okay- i’m okay-“ he whined, opening his eyes and blinking slowly, trying to come to before scooting forward and going to sit up again impatiently- where was he? Xiao just sighed, helping him sit up, arm around his back, leaning him against the pillows. He knew he couldn’t talk him out of it.

“You know perhaps you should lie down.”

A sharp pain prodded at Venti’s side as he moved, wincing, trying not to cry out- man he’d gotten beaten up this time….God everybody was gonna be mad...

He leaned back against the pillows with a sigh, looking at Xiao and the room- The bed was quite comfortable and soft, the blankets draped over him- and he’d been changed into some boxers and a half buttoned button up- it was such a soft cotton though... He identified the room as one in Liyue. They had quite a unique decorating style-

Wait- did Xiao change him??

“What were you doing out there?” Xiao sighed, holding the cloth to his face, sitting beside him now “hold this-“

“I don’t know- I was gonna fight some Fatui-“ he mumbled begrudgingly, pouting but doing what Xiao asked and holding it to his own face.

“On your own?”

“Yea- I can handle it, i’m not a child- i’m a god!” He huffed and Xiao looked at him like an annoyed lover.

“You’re not anymore- your form isn’t like that- you can’t just throw your body around, you’ll get hurt. You’re lucky I came for you-“ He sighed, seemingly worried- more worried than most of the others had been- or at least in a different way. Venti wasn’t sure. “Your back is injured, your hips are bruised, you’re gonna be sore for a while..” Xiao was being so gentle with him even as he spoke, this sort of begrudging albeit soothing tone in his voice-

“I would have been fine- I don't need your help-“ Venti huffed, his lungs in pain as he did, weakly lying back against the pillows and yawning.

“You can’t keep- being reckless like that! You’ll get yourself killed- if you need me you just have to call-“ He sighed, shaking his head, looking down at the floor, thinking for a moment before speaking. “Why didn’t you?”

“Why didn’t I what?”

“You were on the ground, I know you had time to call out before you got knocked out. You didn’t get hit in the head…”

“That would be a waste of time- you’re busy-“ Venti scoffed, brushing it off, guilt starting to rise in his stomach...Uh oh.

“We both know that’s not the truth in this kind of situation. If you fell unconscious, they could take you out easy. I’ll ask again. Why didn’t you call? Don’t tell me another excuse.” He said the last part rather gently, which shocked Venti a bit. He was serious...Xiao had never had a tone so serious with him before. “I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re lying.”

Venti honestly didn’t know the answer to that...He could have. He could have called out for Xiao before he passed out, and he would have been there in a split second- and he knew that when he was down...But he didn’t call…

He hadn’t really thought much of that sort of thing until now…..He’d just- stowed it away.

“I- I don’t know!” He murmured somewhat annoyed, realizing how he’d come off and correcting his tone before looking over at Xiao, who met his eyes. “D-Don’t tell Jean- or Kaeya- or anybody- They’ll be upset-“

He couldn’t take another lecture from them, telling him he was too weak to go on his own, and telling him he needed to stop. He would end up feeling all guilty and uncomfortable.

“I’m not going to get you a scolding. It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand what they’re trying to tell you.” Xiao said in reply, getting up and walking over to the window, cracking it open after opening the curtains, the sunlight making Venti wince.

“W-what do you mean?”

“They’re afraid. They care about you. They’re not trying to scold you or demean you. They’re scared because they think they may lose you, not that they think you can’t handle yourself. They just express it differently than you would.” Xiao looked over his shoulder at him before going back to look out the window. “Regardless of form, they’re still millennia younger than you. They don’t understand what you’re going through or how to process those emotions that come with. We don’t feel things the same way”

Venti rubbed his eyes, staring down at the blankets, his braids all messy and falling undone. It was all too true….He hated thinking about it. It wasn’t Xiao’s fault, he’d been thinking about it before he even brought it up. It just...Bothered him that all of the ones he loved were still so different from him.

He couldn’t even bring himself to speak, a lump forming in his throat like the ones you got when you were about to cry. He didn’t know what to do….

“I- I don’t know what’s going on…” He finally confessed in a quiet voice- he really was lost with no one who could walk him through it. Nobody who truly understood…

Xiao turned around, walking back over to the bed and sitting down beside him without a word, allowing Venti to continue, making sure he knew he was listening.

“It’s just…. All so cold...Why does it feel this way? I can’t make it go away- I just-“ Venti was still staring at the blankets, silent tears starting to well in his eyes as did when he was frustrated “-and I can’t even do anything….Everybody else is gone-“

“Rex Lapis is still here, as am I” Xiao sighed, hands calmly resting in his lap, eyes now trained on the floor. “I’m sorry….It’s not the same...I know…”

“W-Why won’t it go away?” He asked under his breath, his voice shaking. I don't know what I did wrong…I shouldn’t feel this way..”

They sat quietly for a few moments, Xiao trying to think of what to say. It was a state he was well familiar with, but he’d just angrily pushed through it when it happened to him- he wasn’t sure how Venti was to handle this all. It was a feeling you just had to work through and process...And there really wasn’t a lot he could do. It hurt him to see him like this...

Xiao had always had a soft spot for Venti… After everything, how could he not? Sure they didn’t feel the need to discuss it anymore, but the feeling of mutual respect and love for each other was still shared. In his darkest times, Venti had been there….He’d sat near him and played the lyre or flute, night after night even when he tried to push him away. He had been so scared of him, afraid and in awful pain, left alone in deep fear, falling apart with no way of escaping, just having to watch. But despite his appearance and state, Venti came to him every night. He never gave up...He never left him to suffer alone….Eventually, when Xiao allowed him to, he sat beside him. He’d taken his time, waited, played far away, gained his trust, never pushing Xiao to do anything he didn't want to, never pressuring him to come any closer. He’d been so gentle with him, telling him stories within songs to distract from the pain. Sometimes, on those nights, Xiao would fall asleep, getting the rest he was unable to get on his own. He wasn’t haunted by the nightmares that usually plagued him when Venti was there- they all went away when Venti soothed him. He truly wouldn’t be where he was if Venti had not done what he did for him. For that, the Yaksha was forever grateful, albeit confused for the kindness Venti had offered him. It didn’t make sense to him...

Although, maybe now, he understood…Maybe he could repay it in some small way….

He turned slowly to look at him with a sigh, seeing Venti’s breath unsteady, watching him stare at his own knees blankly with tears falling onto the blankets-

He couldn’t take standing aside anymore distantly....He didn’t want to…

There was no reason to follow the code he gave himself. He trusted Venti…Even when he was at his worst, Venti had never hurt him…How could he now? Venti always reassured him too that Xiao would never hurt him either, and if he did, he would tell him….It was a vow of sorts between them.

After giving him a moment just to sit there, Xiao undid his shoes quietly, before scooting to the head of the bed beside Venti, pushing him a bit to the side.

Venti looked at him in confusion, a broken expression on his face before he moved over for him to have more room. He couldn’t question it right now- all he could do was really try not to cry- and Xiao was being really gentle with him so he wasn’t too worried about it being awkward or whatever- but he was making it really difficult to let his mask break. No- he couldn’t break- he was supposed to be a god- he was supposed to be strong and powerful-

But it just wasn’t that way anymore…

Xiao carefully wrapped his arm around Venti’s shoulders, looking aside at him. And when Venti felt that, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. His confused and pained expression shifted to one of sheer sadness as he let out a soft sob, his body wracking with it. He just had to break for once, let all the things he was holding in out. He’d let it all stew for ages, and it finally erupted.

This broke Xiao, an unfamiliar bout of sadness rushing through him as he held Venti, carefully moving him so he could lean on him more now, but the bard just laid down, resting his head in his lap- of course, he didn't mind at all.

“I-I-I’m- sorry-“ He murmured through tears trying to get it all to stop, but the mask he wore was far beyond repair now. He didn’t want to be a burden to Xiao- he shouldn’t be upset….He wasn’t worth Xiao’s time...He just kept telling himself these things..

“Don’t apologize…” Xiao replied softly, which caused him only to cry more- He didn’t deserve this kindness…

He cried silently, the tears streaming down his cheeks and onto Xiao’s pants with no signs of stopping any time soon. “I-I- I don’t understand- why w-won’t i-it- go away? None of them understand it-“

“It will….I promise...It just- hurts for a while…” He said sympathetically as he undid Venti’s braids, making sure not to pull at all or get caught on any tangles, although it didn’t take long when they were already so close to being undone.

“I don’t want to be numb anymore-“

Xiao could feel the tears start to soak through his pants and onto his thighs as he ran his fingers through his hair…

After a while of comfortable silence and gentle touches, Venti was still sobbing...He just couldn’t seem to stop or even slow down, unable to focus- until he heard Xiao starting to sing a song that only existed in their memories from long ago…

Xiao rarely knew what to say….It wasn’t easy- he just wanted him to know he did care- that he was there even though he didn’t have all the answers- so he held him close…And he did the one thing that had made him feel better when he was in the most pain.

“When the silk blossoms bloom, and grace the skies…Why do they fall, and why do they fly?”

Venti had had no idea he’d memorized the song. He didn’t even know if he had been able to hear it at that point- so close to corruption- but nonetheless, the nostalgia of it soothed him. Xiao’s voice wasn’t perfect, it was slightly raspy and worn, rough from years full of his screams of pain- but it was beautiful to Venti. It felt like the song was made to be sung by him...And it made everything hurt just a little less…It felt like it was all those decades ago when the breeze comforted them, the grass swaying, the water reflecting the moonlight, when everything was calm. Venti felt...Safe...Even more so as he continued to listen to his song…..

“In the depths of night, when fires burn, still, the silk blossoms turn…”

Xiao pet his hair as he sang, soothing him enough that eventually he fell asleep. Although, the bard had tried to stay awake as long as he could so he could listen to his song. He wasn’t able to for long before his eyelids grew heavy and ultimately fluttered shut much to his dismay. Sure, he had rested for a while previously, but he was still rather beat up and emotionally exhausted, and the recharge was much needed. His body had really been thrown for a loop...And the brink of sleep was hard to resist when he was so comfortable.

“For you, and for me, it’s not easy, you see….We brace for the wind, and hold on, tightly…”

The song Xiao chose was most unexpected because although it was a song Venti sang to him so many times before- it was one he wasn’t proud of.

He’d sang him many songs in the course of the time they spent together, but this one out of all of the intricate and beautiful songs he’d relayed, this was the one he’d sang to him when he had nothing else to sing. It was one of the few songs he wrote, one he didn’t think was worthy enough to play for somebody else, but it was one he knew by heart….

Though what Venti never knew was that it was Xiao’s favorite.

Even though Venti felt like it wasn’t enough, like he wasn’t enough, Xiao loved it…..It felt like Venti to him- reminded him of the one that lulled his nightmares and memories away to sleep, the one that extended his hand to him when he needed it most, and ultimately, the one who did it without asking anything in return.

And after all these many years, he’d kept that little song with him as a reminder of Venti and their time together. He remembered it in rough nights and early mornings, and all the time in between.

Xiao could never truly forget the songs the bard had sung to him under the moonlight while the fireflies took flight. He’d always wondered how such beautiful moments could exist when the world was so filled with darkness…..When all else hurt, their little paradise was there for them every night. He missed it...

Although, what Xiao was beginning to realize, it wasn’t the fireflies or the flowers or even the moonlight, but it was Venti himself that made all the darkness in the world stop for a few moments.

“It’s never easy to say goodbye, but think of me, when silk blossoms fly.”

And no matter where they were, it didn't matter as long as he was there beside him….

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Hello again!! <3 Thank you for reading!! I hope you enjoyed!! I’m sorry if there’s any errors I can’t force myself to read over this anymore JSDHSDH

As much as I love the boys I can only read over this so many times.....