Over and over

Having a psychotic mental illness is both an intense and monotonous thing. Since being a very young child and talking to unseen “monsters” to thrashing on the floor in my sleep as a high schooler, to not being able to look a single person in the eyes to this day-I will say at the very least this has been a journey.  There have been times in this life where the illness has grown too strong to handle and some moments where it fluttered away in the wind and blew back in months later through a storm. The events that occur in the mind are dark and thick and intrusive. There is no escape from the plaguing symptoms, especially when falling asleep and allowing the dreadful anxiety to play with the unguarded soul. You see things, you hear things, you fear everything and relieve nothing. Insomnia, eating problems, heavy insecurity, anxiety that makes your body ache and throat tighten. Repeatedly forgetting what’s going on, eyes twitching from stress, going from feeling absolutely not one emotion for days to chest aching depression for no reason.  I guess if asked I would have to say that the worst of times have been with sleep. There were a few years that every night I would only sleep 1-3 hours but all the night leading up to when I would finally pass out would be me sitting upright in bed with blankets over my head to protect me, all lights on, breathing hard and shaking so afraid of what would come get me. When this would happen every night as a child I was always most terrified of the loud horrific pounding that seemed to be coming from every direction. The years this happened later in life as a young adult, I actually came to find it was my own mortified heart beating at extreme intensity. I would keep having sound hallucinations keeping me from being able to fall asleep when I felt more comfortable in broad daylight. Then comes the night terrors where everything will be fine for just a little while then suddenly it all becomes so dark and sinister where its life or death and one second I can’t breathe from being choked to death then my chest burns from stabs and I can’t get away when I run and no sound comes out when I scream. At some point around 5th grade I started to understand how to get myself out of the dreams. All of my dreams every night for my ENTIRE life have been these awful awful nightmares and I have remembered EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. For days and some even till this day. And every fucking time they become LUCID at some point, where I know I am sleeping but god it just won’t stop, it won’t release me. I’ll even tell myself to pick me up and take me somewhere safe since I should be able to control things in my mind but I have found that I have very little control over the things I think up. Such as a path to run away, whereas I can’t seem to run at all. Or a door to escape that I cannot grip the handle of. So at one point I resorted to screaming for someone in real life or using all my strength to twitch all my muscles at the same time to awaken or at least open my eyes.  In recent times I have started to comprehend that in my night terrors when things start to get scary it is because I will suddenly have an anxiety that something bad will happen simply because my mind is familiar with the fact that it is sleeping. Then things will keep getting worse because some place in side me hides in a corner and hopes to god something messed up won’t happen. Sometimes awful things happen that somehow I knew were going to happen. This must be because all of the bad things are a figment of my imagination, fueled by my agonizing anxiety and paranoia, in other words- a figment of my fears. So. I am too old to still be dealing with this. I still have never slept without the lights on. I’m 22. I don’t think that could ever change, it’s just too much. But. I think I can change this! The nightmares that is. I have learned over time that the most powerful thing a person can have is passion. It is stronger than fear-that is how there are people that can save others in burning buildings and those that can fight when their lives are at stake. People have a passion for life and it causes us to react in life or death situations. It causes us to help others in those situations and overcome fears. I can fight my fears with passion. The only way to get something to appear in a dream is for me to overthink about it such as I do with constantly feeling like something terrible will happen or that I will get hurt and die or someone else I care about will. To fight this figment of fear I must create a figment of passion. I have decided that I will allow myself to relax and “meditate” each day in quiet peace before bed and try to imagine a strong resilient weapon for me to wield. I will think about what it looks like and how it feels to hold it. The strength and courage it would give me. How to fight with it, how to keep myself safe. I will tell myself to hold it, visualize it, understand it, take it to the throat of what haunts me. I am hoping that if I think about it enough, that I can take it with me in my sleep or that once triggered by fear I would recall it in my mind and take it out. I truly believe and hope that this will work. Wish me luck

Life is only worth what you make it, so when there’s nothing exciting currently going on or if things have been boring, monotonous and stressful, I just feel depressed and like I’m wasting my time away. Work makes me feel this way, not getting anywhere in life makes me feel this way. I think most people suffer from this feeling. The only way to get away from it is having a lot of deep passions for specific goals, hobbies and people. However the one that requires the least amount of effort is people. So people always want to be in relationships no matter how shitty because they have nothing else worth pursuing. My sister thinks she has to constantly have a boyfriend even if he is a complete fucking idiot I really don’t understand. If you want to be happy make things, help people, own plants and take good care of them. Cook every day and there should never be a night without music. Don’t do crap jobs for a living; do crap jobs to get to better jobs. Smile too much and relax too much and live too much and blog too much

Sweden is mountainous, deep forest green and cool white. It’s sort of gloomy, but in a beautiful way. The people are quiet and self kept. The youth drives the community. Tradition and virtue is strong, and family is deeply important. Large families. Immense families.. Environment is important, getting together often is important, friends are important and it seems it isn’t odd for a whole school of people to always remain friends and follow up and events with each other. Mainly because the schools can be quite small as the villages and even cities cannot compare in size to those in the US. People are expected to do more work for themselves and participate in helping the country in small ways, but get a lot from the government in return. The colder months keep people inside but I promise you that many will hike through snow ice and wind for 40 minutes just for coffee with their folks.  Although it is a sweet cozy little place way up in it’s own dream land- it has its flaws. Every country does. People are so quiet and conceded it often comes of rude and cold. The teens and young adults are generally wild and careless- going out to bars, clubs and parties consistently, as alcohol and smoking are huge things in their country. Sex is always a big thing anywhere you go, but there is something especially odd about it in Sweden. Bisexuality is huge, and ‘sleeping around’ is not seen as meticulous and is not judged. Maybe I could be prudish and I am not against LGBT in any way. But it can be uncomfortable and pressuring for someone of different culture to get caught in. I have not met a whole lot of people that hold the same hygiene as those in the US. Most people are not used to brushing their teeth and bathing regularly. They have nice hair and skin, so you can’t tell. It’s because they usually have saunas in their homes and I believe a lot of people see that as a ‘mini-shower’. An astonishing number of people flunk out of school or drop out of it. Also, the government does a lot for the citizens but bites off more than it can chew when it comes to helping other countries.  America is free and loud and bright. A trillion lights in the night. It’s huge and populated, but in a comfortable way. Everyone wants to be heard, and so they talk and they show and they talk. Nothing is more important then love, passion and following your dreams. Doing hard work is impressive; doing no work is common. Everyone is vividly unique but act the same. The general outlook is liberal, and being part of the community is an old tradition. You meet people from 100 different towns everywhere you go and people are either good people there or bad people there. Every state has a different story and looks beautiful in its own way. The environment changes drastically-from forest states,desert states, mountain states, ect. the people change and the laws change. The old, precious things change. But everyone always wants to be successful. And you won’t meet many Americans that wouldn’t lend a hand to someone in need. We all want to go on adventures and do great things. It’s honestly a pretty great mindset. The issues are glaring: money and sex are the center of everything, celebrities are worshiped and the media brainwashes everyone into making terrible decisions. The government can be great just as it can be corrupt. Drugs are heavy in the states, people acting psychotic is heavy in the states. People think that if they don’t get famous they won’t have a life and if they don’t get rich they won’t survive. Too many throw the environment in the trash. Everyone says there aren’t any jobs but actually there aren’t any ‘good’ jobs. Everyone is in debt and half the people you run into make you say “what the fuck”  Oh and everyone knows that if a nuclear missile was launched it would be at the United States.  I get sick of them but I love them. I see now how important living in America is to me. It’s the country I was born and raised in. It made me who I am and has given me the opportunity to focus on living rather than surviving. I love the way I feel, free and able. But Scandinavia will still always feel like a distant fairy tale land to me.