我最進覺得我有點變了。變得蠻感性。我的腦袋有很多詞匯,很多天馬行空的畫面。我想寫下我對世界的觀察和疑問。我不太會表達情感,我不太會用言語或表情,我不太會用外在的行爲去表示情感。
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@morethanasmile
我最進覺得我有點變了。變得蠻感性。我的腦袋有很多詞匯,很多天馬行空的畫面。我想寫下我對世界的觀察和疑問。我不太會表達情感,我不太會用言語或表情,我不太會用外在的行爲去表示情感。

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art is about storytelling and we all tell stories. there are stories we tell about ourselves and the ones we tell about each other. there are moments that sit between memory, fact and fiction. it's how we present reality and remember the past.
what would you do if your parents had money?
This was a recent hypothetical I asked myself. This was in the context of a friend who quit my old firm to do a masters in Oxford. Although I didn’t think of doing a Masters, or one at Oxford at the least, I still felt a tinge of envy. I asked myself WHY? Why do you envy someone who is doing something you didn’t think of doing before? The only answer I had was “She enjoys privilege, which is not something I have.” My parents are not wealthy, I can’t just quit my job for a year with my Masters paid for. As the saying in Cantonese goes, “if my hands stop, my mouth stops” i.e. if I stop working, I will not have enough to feed myself.
I never dreamt that an escape route from a toxic job is to do a Masters to fill a gap in my CV. Quitting is never an option for me. I’ve got bills to pay and (my) mouth to feed. This provoked the question “What would you do if your parents had money?” Of course it is all hypothetical - we all grow up with the mindsets shaped by our upbringing. Just as I never thought quitting to study Masters was an option for me. Strangely, the first time I thought about it, I couldn’t think of what I WOULD do. I knew that studying a Masters wasn’t my thing but else could I do? What did I actually enjoy besides seeing my salary being creditted to my bank account every month? I struggled to find the answer because I haven’t thought of what I actually liked to do (besides making enough money) for a long long time. Perhaps too damn long a time, I couldn’t even think of an answer to the hypothetical question.
After a few weeks, it came to me. My childhood dream was to be an author. I wanted to write books. I wanted to express my thoughts in words. If I could, I would be like Virginia Woolf, a woman of independent means, writing in a “room of one’s own”. It is astonishing really, that I forgot my childhood ambition to be a author, because I was so swept up with making a living. Even the idea of being an author didn’t pop into my head the first time I asked myself the hypothetical. I spend alot of my time reading works and jotting down quotes which resonate with me, in hope that one day, I will find my voice. But perhaps a voice is not an acquired accent; it is one that I have all along. A tiny voice, perhaps quivering, speaking aloud the thoughts I have in my head. I read somewhere that the best books are those written with an authentic voice. I have spent many years trying to adopt this and that from various authors to find my own voice, but maybe a voice is something inimitable - I should speak on topics on which I have my own convictions. And for now my stream-of-consciousness blog posts will be my outlet.
thx for th mmrs
2022. This might suit an end of year top-it-off thank-you-all post but I might forget all the thoughts I have right now so I my as well type a stream of consciousness post.
More than 1 year and 2 months after I vowed to quit my toxic job, I finally quit on 23 June 2022. I even bought a watch to commemorate that day. But I digress. I have imagined how my resignation would play out many times when I was on the verge of a meltdown. But then it just happened on a day that could have been any other Thursday. Was it cathartic? Did it feel like revenge? It was less like catharsis or revenge and more like relief. It seems anti-climatic really. I was plotting and scheming day and night to leave that place and when I was finally able to throw in my resignation, I didn’t feel much beyond “I said I would leave and I am leaving.” You know what they say about promises. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. If I may add, don’t make promises to yourself you can’t keep. I vowed in April 2021 I would quit but the thought of walking away from the enviable paycheck made me stay month after month. After the year end bonus cleared on 31 December, I was still there. I told myself everyday “if your bank account is happy, you are happy”. That happiness didn’t last for longer than the day my salary hit my account. Each of the other 29 or 30 days a month was just pure torture. I lived everyday in anticipation of the next paycheck. Because that was the only justification for being unhappy. Unhappiness is like caffeine - you achieve tolerance after a while and that plateau of negativity just sits with you.
I took annual leave in April just around Easter. I asked (or demanded depending whose perspective it is from) the partner to approve my leave asap and offered a call to discuss. On the call, she said with little emotion in her voice “between you and me, if everyone asks for block leave to go overseas, it would be unfair to other associates”. I told the partner (expecting at least a bit of sympathy) that “between you and me, I am on the verge of breakdown”. The “between you and me” was a direct quote from her previous sentence just because I liked how secretive that sounded. Fat chance that had on getting her to understand I might implode anytime.
During my break I went to London - a place I am familiar with, and Cornwall. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anything to do. I just did whatever I felt like doing in the moment. I went for a run to Regent’s Park one morning and it rained when I was just on my way to Camden. I took cover in a nearby cafe and observed from behind the glass window people cycling to work, people darting into a brick arch for cover and just the humdrum of city life. I thought nothing of whatever I saw; I just watched. Going to London was a time for me to stop my brain from spinning. It was nice to be living without processing.
I stayed in a bed-and-breakfast in Cornwall. Oddly the trigger which made me actively search for a new job was a wooden quote hung in the sitting room of the B&B. It said “Don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.” Something just clicked in my head when I saw that wooden sign. I felt a rush of sadness. I was wasting my life away. I was surrounded by people whose values didn’t align with mine; they were incredibly rude; they thought as long as the work gets done, it doesn’t matter how you treat your co-workers. Being in their presence required me to remind myself constantly “not to become the kind of person you hate”. The last thing I wanted was for me to descend to being a person I detest. I read an article that said if you work with people you don’t aspire to become, it is time to move on. And so I did.
Oftentimes, it hurts the more we resist the sadness. It makes me feel frustrated and guilty when I fight my sadness, so I’ve learned to just ride it out instead until I can feel calmer and ready for happiness again. 🌊
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Needed this reminder that all the sadness I feel is valid despite my foolish naivety

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Life’s too short to drink crappy coffee and cry over people who don’t care.
Matty Healy (via quotemadness)
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“Saki says that youth is like hors d'oeuvres: you are so busy thinking of the next courses you don’t notice it. When you’ve had them, you wish you’d had more hors d'oeuvres.”
— Philip Larkin, Letters to Monica (via quotespile)

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“To exist is to feel; our feeling is undoubtedly earlier than our intelligence, and we had feelings before we had ideas.”
— Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, or On Education
“Loves are like empires: when the idea they are founded on crumbles, they, too, fade away.”
— Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being (via quotespile)
“I think one of my favorite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing half way through how much you enjoy them and their existence.”
— unknown | @wnq-unknown (via wnq-unknown)
“Sometimes you meet a person and you just click–you’re comfortable with them, like you’ve known them your whole life and you don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything.”
— Alexandra Ardonetto | @wnq-quotes (via wnq-quotes)
“Share too much and someone can hurt you.”
—
Dorothy Koomson, My Best Friend’s Girl
@wnq-quotes
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"I will give them every part of me, put my heart where everyone can see"

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“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
— Erma Bombeck | @themotivationjournals
Kay Redfield Jamison | @wnq-psychology | @fyp-psychology