So a lot of you donât actually know that much about me. I shared a little bit in my intro post when I started this blog, but I want to share my testimony (I have several but the is my most important one)
(Tw: brief mentions of suicide, s/h and EDâs)
A couple years ago I started hanging out with this one girl who really took a toll on my mental heath, and I started having a lot of mental health issues and anxiety. I started thinking about taking my life, I started hurting myself, and I started to hate my body and got really close to developing an0rex!a. And this obviously wasnât caused by that friend, these were issues that had been brewing for years at this point, but everything kind of peeked when we becames friends and our friendship kind of just made everything worse. She was going through similar things to me but hers was worse so I felt a need to help her get out of her hole, all the mean while I was sinking in my own. But every time I told her something she brushed it off or made a joke about it. After the first time I had cvt myself I was texting her asking her what to do and i specifically remeber our convo going
Me: âidk what to do?â
Me: âoh thatâs smart, to like disinfect it so it doesnât get infectedâ
Her: âno drink the alcoholâ
My Church has a thing they do for teens every fall called âfall retreatâ and I hadnât gone the year prior so this was my first time going. Itâs basically a two day sleep away camp about an hour away with no phones and lots of worship. During this camp something shifted inside me. Iâm not sure what it was but I just simply stopped having these thoughts, I didnât share them with anyone at camp, and I didnât get prayer or anything but they just kinda stopped being there? I truthfully believe that this camp grew my faith in god so much that it stopped me from thinking like this. I mean pre camp I was just kind of a lackluster Christian, I went to church on Sundays and the occasional Wednesdays but I didnât really care for it, I was just kind of there. But after camp I made it a priority to go to church every Sunday and Wednesday, and I started to help with the early baby class on Sundays and itâs like it gave my life meaning again. It made life worth living again.
Unfortunately these thoughts have kind of returned. Iâm still about 2 years clean and I will never touch my skin like that again, but Iâve kind of felt myself slipping in my faith and although I never actually developed an ED before, itâs worse now and Iâm scared I might. But whatâs making it more bareable now is that I bring my struggles to god, I donât bring them to people or worldly things. I thank god for my body when I hate it, I pray for his presence when I feel alone, I find community and comfort at church when I feel like I wanna revert back to my old ways, and Iâm stronger now then I was before. Iâm also no longer friends with that girl which has been so beneficial for my mental health.
Now I wonât say god is the only reason Iâm surviving this better than I did before, because thatâs not true. Iâve done so much work with myself and know what to do when i have panic attacks or dark times, but Gods the only reason Iâm still here to have learned all that in the first place. I have to give her her dues and the least I can do is give my life to her.
I know not everyone will believe me when I say this. I know that to nonbelievers I sound insane and thatâs fine. All I ask is that you respect my story and my beliefs. Feel free to share your testimonies or vents in the comments, I donât mind <3
To anyone struggling, please know youâre so loved and so valued. Your life is worth so much more than whatever your thoughts are telling you. There is value in your life and you deserve to be here on this earth. Whether your religious or not please find community and surround yourself with good people, it will make a difference. You will be missed and people will notice if youâre gone so please stay strong.
