an attempt to explain how to keep the cycle from repeating:
3 years of knowingly having bpd and i would not wish this shit on the worst person i know. iβve tried and retried and tried again at putting into words what a day or an hour or even the span of 10 minutes can feel like inside of my brain. the categories of emotions that can overcome me all at once and then other times seem to last for days and days on end.
as iβve been in therapy again and been given the homework of writing in my journal and writing some more and more and more and just write as much as i can to try make real sense out of what is happening inside of me constantly iβm grateful for the fact it is starting to help and i feel like i can explain in words maybe even just a little better sometimes.
i think if i could have one wish in the world it would be for a new brain. i donβt know how to not feel angry all the time about it when everyone always says to me βitβs not your fault you have bpd the people you love abandoned you consistently when it mattered mostβ but how can i not feel like this is my fault when i now pay the price for the rest of my life? how could i not feel like this is my fault when i sabotage anything and everything that comes in my path? good or bad? lately, iβve felt like especially the good.
the monster was never under my bed, it lives inside of me. right below my throat. i feel her when i choke down a swallow. i feel her there all the time actually. i want her to go away and never come back but i donβt know how to change the locks on the doors. sheβs long convinced my bloodstream, my muscles, my bones, all my nerve endings thatβs sheβs there to protect me. sheβs never once made me feel safe. i constantly feel trapped in my own body begging to be free of her. begging to know who i am without her. i know this is why im so insecure about myself because i can know im as beautiful as all the girls i think the person i love could leave me for & then i remember they donβt have an intruder living inside their body with them and why would someone stick around for that? i just want to be me. i just want to be safe. my monster looks just like me until you get close enough and you see we donβt really look alike at all. sheβs paler than me, her hair sticks to her face so she always has to tuck it behind her ears, the hair on her arms raises while the back of her knees sweat, her jaw is clenched tight and her voice is so fucking whiny and awful. but the worst of her is the way her eyes are black.
thatβs the monster. i never know when sheβll shut the curtains on me and make her appearance. when i split. sometimes itβs quite obvious but other times i just slept for 20 minutes longer than i wanted to on a sunday morning and suddenly she wonβt go away.
i know if i could figure out how to crack her code i could lock her out for good after all. sheβs me at 5 who had to learn what murder & sa was because it happened to her best friend. when i had horribly vivid nightmares for years after my parents would lock their door at night and when i would cry and cry and beg to be let inside my dad would come out and βteach me a lesson as to why itβs not ok to wake a sleeping adultβ and really give me something to cry about. alone and afraid in my own bed again. but sheβs also me who stayed up all night on my 16th birthday waiting for my boyfriend to come pick me up and take me to the party he promised to bring me to to celebrate, just for him to ghost me all night and hook up with not just one but two of my βfriendsβ on my birthday and then the same friends decided i was too lame to be friends with everyone else by monday because i didnβt attend said party. so i didnβt do much that summer besides play softball and work. my mom was kind enough to tell me thatβs the kind of things that happens when you mess with a boy like that instead of idk hugging me? either way i was lame because by the end of the summer i was trying to win that boyfriend and friends back so much so that i apologized and forgave him when he let his friend sa me in front of him when i was incoherent and then just left me there to take care of myself. alone and fucking furious in my own bed again. i know itβs those two that take over the most and are the push and pull inside of me. 5 year old me reacts with fear and 16 year old me tries to βprotectβ with rage. if im being honest, i donβt want either of them to make decisions for me. ever again. i want to be in charge. i want them to forgive themselves and me now and trust that i can keep myself safe and trust that i will only allow others in my life that keep me safe too. i want them to go to sleep in their bed together and unafraid and at peace.
iβve done nothing all summer but try to be me again.
germansingergirl
titsay
snowghoul
gracieabrams
izzy806
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