DaintyAndDelicate

And I’m back.

3 years of binge eating

3 years of looking in the mirror; coming to terms with what I see

And sometimes even love her.

Wasn’t all amazing but a majority of it was…

3 years of celibacy

Because even though I was gentle with myself and found love in myself

The idea of a man seeing…this…naked?

Terrifying.Humiliating. Disgusting.

I’m not ready.

3 years and I’m still not whole.

I hate how I’m happy and content alone.

Like I’m not lonely or sad at alllll alone

Yet everyone I give my energy to in public says I need to go out more

SHUT UPPPP W H A T???

I live my life the way I want to! When I was interaction I talk to you and when I don’t I stay in and read and do whatever the hell else I want

I want to feel my collarbones

I want to know what it feels like to feel my hip bones.

This time is truly different..I’m not panicked. I’m not crying. I’m not losing my shit.

I know what I want and I’m going after it.

I go through my days always with that hungry ache in my stomach. I eat once everyyyy like three days and even then I purge most of it.

It’s a calm control. Because I’m done. I can’t do this anymore I can’t BE this anymore.

The flashes of all the things said about my body. My dad shoving vegetables in my face saying to eat it and having to laugh it off while his fiancé looks sad for me behind him. The thought of how I can’t remember a single time my mother or father have ever said I was beautiful. But how my boyfriends did till we broke up then I’m a mistake I’m the ‘can’t believe I was with that’ girl.

I can’t.

It hurts knowing no matter how hard I try no matter how long I starve

My body will never be that beautiful

Because I already ruined my body… my skin will never be flawlessly

My breasts will never be perky

But now I can see food and have it offered and just be like …eh no thanks and that’s the last time I think about it.

Yesterday I ate two bags of popcorn and had three bites of ramen and usually I’d freak out but I..just didn’t. I just got on the scale and I still lost weight too?

So I was chewing on some gum and singing to myself in my dorm lobby while working on something and my friend walked in and said ‘what are you eating?’

And I full on glared at her and gave her attitude and said ‘what?’

Like wow you had the audacity to say I was EATING?! The heck do you think you ar-

Then I realized that was a completely normal question from a completely innocent place and I got all wide eyed and I jumped on her and begged for forgiveness for the amount of sass I unleashed on her sparkling soul

She was extremely over weight… but she was so sweet and hopeful for the future.

She was complaining about her lungs and minutes later she was gone from this earth.

Idk if I’m being triggered by grief or what but I can’t stand to eat..I really can’t do it rn. Ppl were always up my ass saying be careful with not eating you could kill your self

Well wtf dude being over weight can kill you too but at least starving is my preferred choice

Okay so…I only wear leggings, cuz they just suck everything in and there’s no jiggling. Love it. Jeans can go fuck themselves . But hey that’s just my personal opinion.

But sometimes I’ll go online and see something cute and be like I have to freaking buy that. So 4 months ago I bought black ripped shorts. And idek why I thought that was a good idea cuz I hate showing my skin cuz it makes me feel uglier…(idky and I can’t explain that. It’s just a ‘If you know you know’ type of situation)

One thought.

It’s crazy that horses are wild animals… like somewhere rn i bet a man is taking his coffee to his back porch and randomly sees a horse nomming on his lawn…