𝚜𝚞𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚎 & 𝚘𝚛𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚍𝚜

𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 🖤𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚢 🖤

𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚋𝚒𝚘𝚜 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 '𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚜' 𝚘𝚛 𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚘𝚗 𝚖𝚘𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚎...

~

“I don’t just turn things on and off like some sort of light switch” Ellis shook his head “I don’t pick and choose when I feel those types of things for people. I don’t feel them. At all. Ever. It’s why I don’t understand when you both accuse me of acting a way that I literally can’t.” maybe with others the things he said or did would have meant they were flirting, but with him they never would be that. “The better one? Of all the time we’ve known each other do you really think I would think Sidney is the better one? We can barely be in the same room as each other most of the time.” 

As he had continued to pace he felt Sutton grab onto his short in order to stop his movement. “You’re right, again you’re right.” he took in a shaky breath, and exhaled it out to try and steady himself, “you aren’t seeing anyone right now, but what happens when you do? When you meet someone and start seeing them and you fall in love with them and then I am relegated to whatever extra time you find lying around because I’m JUST a friend. You can love me whatever way that you want, but eventually you will love someone more than me, and I just want to -” he stopped again, wanting to just shove it all back inside and shut it down, but knowing that Sutton wouldn’t allow that. “I wanted to keep that from happening as long as I could, and that’s selfish and fucked and I know it is, but I’m selfish and fucked.” 

xxx

“I know you don’t. I’m saying I wish I could do that for you but I can’t always. It’s less about what you’re doing and more about how... It... makes us feel. I know it shouldn’t mean anything. And that was the first time I ever... worried about that shit.” He offered a tired half shrug, “It’s what everyone thinks, Ellis. I’m used to it. I’m ‘the other one.’” He knew Ellis was being truthful with him though. And that was reassuring.

They didn’t really talk about these things, it felt unnatural but necessary at the same time. He figured the best way forward was transparency.

 “Romantic relationships are work and time and I’m cool not doing that for the foreseeable future.”  He explained, “-- Sometimes I just need to be touched, E. That’s all. I’m so goddamn touch starved it’s kind of pathetic.”

He paused.

“After all the time we’ve known each other do you really think you’re JUST a friend to me? We’re spending all this time talking in hypotheticals about future shit that hasn’t even happened yet and may not happen. Maybe you’re stuck with me, Ellis, ever think of that?”

~

“Why are you getting upset with me over something I don’t know, Sutt? I’m not built like you. I’ve never been built like you, or maybe you’ve just never noticed? I mean, you must have, right?” In all their years as friends, Ellis had never so much as mentioned interest of any kind in anyone. 

Sutton was right, they weren’t an item, not in that sort of a way at least. “I don’t care if you go out and do whoever and whatever you want” he retorted back, shaking his head, obviously that wasn’t the truth with how much he’d gotten upset the past time, but there was a difference in that previously that had never happened before. Maybe it was because it was family, or maybe it had been because it felt like it had happened so close to realizing how quickly it felt like Ryan would choose Mia over him if it came down to it. “You keep telling me this, but one day you’re going to fall in love with someone and then I will be -” he paused, biting down on his lip. “FUCK!” he shouted in frustration as he took another step back and began pacing.

 “FUCK!” the word came out again as his thoughts turned not back to Ryan, but to his mother. As much as he’d loved her, and knew she’d loved him, he couldn’t help but think of all those times growing up that she’d seemingly put her relationship with whatever new boyfriend over him. It hadn’t been her intentions, but it had been the first time he’d questioned his self worth, and perhaps even realized that some types of love were seen as superior to others.  

xxx

“Because......”

Sutton started but couldn’t finish. He didn’t really have a sound answer. He continued quietly, “......Of course I noticed...” He wrapped his arms around himself, “Sometimes I wish I was built more like you but I’m not. Sorry. I can’t... Just... turn everything off all the time. I’m pretty damn good but I’m not perfect.” He sighed, “I guess... it just hit different because it was Sidney. And you...” A pause to stare up at the ceiling, laughing cruelly at himself at his own realization, “Fuck me, man. -- You always chose me. You were the only one that always chose me over Sidney and not the other way around. So I just... Got... Scared I guess. I don’t fucking know... I’d get it. He’s...” A weak wave of a hand, “-- The better one.”

Sutton crossed his arms, throwing an unamused glance at Ellis now, “You don’t? -- Ellis, the last motherfucker that said he ‘‘‘loved’’’ me gave me a concussion. I’m not exactly out here looking for romance...” It might be nice but at this point Sutton wasn’t convinced the whole love thing was for him. 

When Ellis screamed, it was Sutton’s turn to take a step back. He clenched his hands into balls, fingers pressing little marks into tattooed palms. He had to remind himself:  This is Ellis. This is Ellis. Ellis would never hurt you. This is Ellis... Stepping forward he closed the space between them. Reaching out a hand, Sutton caught Ellis’ sleeve to keep him still. “...I... don’t know how to... fix... this... Ellis... I’m not good at...” He glanced at where he had hold of Ellis’ sleeve, then let it slip from his grasp, “...You said something about how your love wasn’t the ‘right kind’ for Ryan. And here I am feeling like I can never love you the right way, man. So you don’t feel like I’m going to drop you whenever I... It’s not like I’m even seeing anybody right now anyway. I haven’t even been on Finder in however long; It’s collecting dust.” He exhaled slowly through his nose, running a hand over his jaw in exhaustion, “You got me all fucked up, isn’t that enough?”

-

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I just…” Grayson dried off his hands against his jeans and turned to face Monty properly. Words were still something he struggled with. For all the books he had read and time and energy he had put into trying to be better, being openly vulnerable was still a struggle. There was still a part of him he had to fight against not to feel like a failure just for being who he was. 

“I got pretty lost in thought and I didn’t hear you come in.” He reached for Monty, pulling him back into his space. He didn’t want Monty to think he didn’t want him around. Monty had been his life line in Faerune. “There’s been a lot going on recently and I guess it just… felt a little out of place. Normal traditions that I know about and just… realising how corrupt the versions I knew were.” He leaned against the counter, not really looking Monty in the eye. 

“You know I’m forever grateful for you, right?”

xxx

Monty’s chest felt tight.

“...I’m always here if you want to talk about some of it. Or we can... I can help you find someone who’s not me if that’s better.”

He couldn’t help the fear that was weighing down on him now.

“And I you. Without doubt.” 

Monty chewed at his lip for a moment.

“...What’s going on Grayson? Talk to me. Please?”

~

“Flirt with - “ Ellis stared at him for a moment before blinking in confusion. “What is it with you and Mia accusing me of flirting with people? and Sidney barely touched me.” There was also the fact that Ellis hadn’t been sober during his brief conversation with the other’s twin, but he didn’t bring that up because that point didn’t really matter. 

Ellis clenched his jaw as Sutton continued to speak and threw out the fight that had been caused by him being upset over Sutton sleeping with his cousin, and he took a step back as he asked if he was the one he was supposed to fuck. “Yeah well maybe lately I’ve been reminded that eventually I’m not going to be enough for the people that I thought I was, so yeah, maybe I did feel some kind of fucking way. I don’t have a lot of people. I don’t care about a lot of people, Sutton, and one of those I already feel like I love him more than he loves me, because the way I love him isn’t the right way, and he has someone that does, so how long is it til I am nothing to yet another person, and I - ” he didn’t want to feel that with Sutton too

xxx

“I don’t know Ellis, maybe because we have eyes? You don’t think of it that way but everybody else does.” he motioned between them, “If we didn’t have history do you think Sidney would have even hesitated to get in your pants at the party? No. Because you’re hot, asshole. Whether you want to see that or not. This is a stupid ass argument for us to be having.”

When Ellis stepped back Sutton took it as an opening to play offense, gathering up the nerve to respond instead of just letting this be for the sake of being comfortable. “This is what I’m talking about: We are not an item, man. We should be able to go out and do whatever with whoever and not feel like we’re replacing the other. No one, Ellis, no one is ever going to replace you in my life. I keep telling you this. I don’t know how else to show you...” The word love caught him off guard. It forced Sutton to pause. Love and Ellis never really occupied the same space before. It almost felt like a door had opened.

-

Kori smile brightly when she saw Seven, holding up her little picnic basket. When they asked what she had brought with them she looked down at the basket. “Just a few things. You said park so I thought picnic food.” She opened the top. “It’s nothing too fancy but you’re also the only one who eats my experiments without making too much of a fuss so I knew I had to take my chance while I could.”

When they started stumbling over their words Kori frowned a little wondering how Seven could be awkward or nervous around her. She was the awkward nervous one. When Seven suggested the walk because they wanted to talk to her about something Kori blinked. Were they… No. Could they be? It wasn’t like that. Right? No definitely not. Or was it? “Oh! Uh… Yeah. Sure. Of course. No problem. Absolutely. I just said yes in five different ways for no reason but we’re good.”

xxx

UghhhhHhhHhhhhh. Kori was nervous now which made Seven even more nervous. What’s more, Seven thought Kori’s smile was everything and the thought that they might not see it on her face for the remainder of their conversation wasn’t a great one. It made them sad. And reminded them of how they just... had a knack for fucking up good things didn’t they?

“Great. Yes. Alright. Good. Sorry.” Seven rattled off at the same time as Kori. Ah, yes, this was a big mess wasn’t it?

They took a deep breath, walking next to Kori hands shoved in their pockets.

“Listen, Chefie, I uh, I’ve been thinking about a lot of shit lately” they caught their fingers in tangled hair, “And I been goin’ back and forth about telling you this because, well, frankly, I’m a coward, alright?” Thankfully, the park wasn’t crowded and it didn’t take long for Seven to spot a fairly secluded location, “And I want us to be good. Because I think you’re amazing. And... You’ve... changed my life in a way.” clearing their throat, “Cause, uh, you’re just so kind. And I... Uh... Never really surrounded myself with a lot of kindness before. And you’re smart and so talented -- I mean everything you make is insane, even your experiments... Anyway,” They stopped to face her now, “I haven’t been completely honest with you. Kori.” While the safety of the trees put Seven at ease, it was then that they realized how this all might come across. And immediately they felt their face catch fire.

“.....Fuck. Shit. No, no, no.” They took, like, three steps back. This felt like a big bad wolf scenario the more they thought about it, “I’m a fuckin’ idiot. I’m so dumb. You must think. That’s not what this is.” They were pacing now, hands in their hair, “I couldn’t do this in public because that’s not safe for either of us and I couldn’t have invited you to my apartment because then you might think I’m trying to fuck you which I wouldn’t. -- I mean, I... that also isn’t what I mean you’re a gorgeous person inside and out -- But now you must think I’m going to... I don’t know!!” Their back hit the nearest tree, sliding down it’s trunk to sit on the ground. Their eyes pressed shut.

~

“We don’t…” Ellis was a bit confused by the question. “You mean at the party? You know that’s the most I’ve ever talked to Sid probably ever.” Even the times they had been around each other for longer periods of time when Ellis used to go over to the Rowe home when he was younger he and Sid had never engaged all that much in conversation. 

xxx

Sutton caught a dead leaf between his forefinger and thumb, separating it from a nearby vine in frustration.

“I don’t know what I know anymore, Ellis.” He’d keep what Mia had spilled to him in confidence to himself; his feelings stood without adding Ryan to the mix. “Because I didn’t think y’all talked but when you do he’s allowed to touch you? I barely touch you. I barely, fuckin’, touch anyone anymore. I’ve just... Been here. Feeling like I can’t go out and meet people while you flirt with my twin? Jesus fuck, dude.” 

Sutton wasn’t a pacer, when he was upset he stood unmoving -- maybe that was his way of hoping that if he was still enough whoever was causing his grief wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. At least, he had a reason to use his hands using the little monitor in his hand an an excuse not to have to look up while he spoke. “...Last time I fucked someone, you felt some kind of way. To the point where we fought. For the first time, ever? Which I absolutely fuckin’ hated. We have this-this strange codependency where neither of us can do shit without the other feeling like they’re being slighted. So who am I supposed to fuck then, E? You? Give me a break, man.” He pricked a finger, the bottom of his lips twitching into a deeper frown at the sting (if it was the sting of the needle or of this conversation was to be determined). “-- Shit.” He pressed his finger to his tongue to stop the bleeding. “.........We didn’t used to have these issues.” It was high-key killing Sutton’s already very fragile vibes.

Seven exhaled a cloud of smoke from their nose. They’d been tapping their palm against their thigh non-stop since they arrived. They’d gotten to the park early, nerves eating away at them.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...

They just had to do it. They were going to hurt Kori’s feelings and they were just going to have to deal with it. It was better this way. There was no way around it. They were an asshole and always would be and that was going to have to be ok...

“... Oh, no. What’ve you gone and brought me now, you little trouble maker?”

Of course, Kori had to bring a picnic like the sweet, thoughtful little sweetheart she was. They cleared their throat, jabbing the butt of their cigarette into the ash tray of a nearby trash can. “I’m the most well fed I ever been because of you, you know that?” They scratched at the base of a horn, tangling their fingers in their hair. This was not how they wanted this to go. Already they were being too soft.

“I wanted to...” UgH. She was so small and her eyes were so big and anything Kori did ever was so sweet. She was like a walking cupcake. “Uh.” What they meant to say was ‘I wanted to talk to you. I think we should cut things off.’ What they ended up saying was: “I was hopin’ we could go on a little walk?” And then because they needed to be firmer god damn it added, making sure to keep their voice low and ~serious~ (as much as they could in front of her), “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

When Seven was 17, they were kicked out of their family home. To call the people Seven lived with 'family' was generous -- more than. Some were horrific. Some were well-meaning. And others were too walled up in grief to think much about anything other than their own suffering. Seven hated them the least.

If I Think They Are: Ugly || Plain || Alright || Cute || Freaking Adorable || Pretty || Beautiful || Hot || Stunning 

If I Would Go On A Date With Them: Not even if we were the last two one earth || No || Maybe || Eh….Sure || Yes || WILL YOU MARRY ME

If I Trust Them: Not At All || Not Really || Kind of || Yes || With My Life

If I Care About Them: Not At All || Not Really || Kind of || Yes || Deeply

If I Would Sleep With Them: Not Enough Alcohol in the World || No || Maybe if I were wasted || Maybe || Eh…Sure || Yes || TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF NOW!

My Comfort Level With Your Muse: Keep a Distance || Okay You Can Stand There, But Don’t Touch Me || Let’s Get Coffee and Talk || Let’s Cuddle || I Can Change In Front of You || Let’s Take a Bath Together

If I Think They Are: Ugly || Plain || Alright || Cute || Freaking Adorable || Pretty || Beautiful || Hot || Stunning 

If I Would Go On A Date With Them: Not even if we were the last two one earth || No || Maybe || Eh….Sure || Yes || WILL YOU MARRY ME

If I Trust Them: Not At All || Not Really || Kind of || Yes || With My Life

If I Care About Them: Not At All || Not Really || Kind of || Yes || Deeply

If I Would Sleep With Them: Not Enough Alcohol in the World || No || Maybe if I were wasted || Maybe || Eh…Sure || Yes || TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF NOW!

My Comfort Level With Your Muse: Keep a Distance || Okay You Can Stand There, But Don’t Touch Me || Let’s Get Coffee and Talk || Let’s Cuddle || I Can Change In Front of You || Let’s Take a Bath Together

If I Think They Are: Ugly || Plain || Alright || Cute || Freaking Adorable || Pretty || Beautiful || Hot || Stunning 

If I Would Go On A Date With Them: Not even if we were the last two one earth || No || Maybe || Eh….Sure || Yes || WILL YOU MARRY ME

If I Trust Them: Not At All || Not Really || Kind of || Yes || With My Life

If I Care About Them: Not At All || Not Really || Kind of || Yes || Deeply

If I Would Sleep With Them: Not Enough Alcohol in the World || No || Maybe if I were wasted || Maybe || Eh…Sure || Yes? || TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF NOW!

My Comfort Level With Your Muse: Keep a Distance || Okay You Can Stand There, But Don’t Touch Me || Let’s Get Coffee and Talk || Let’s Cuddle || I Can Change In Front of You || Let’s Take a Bath Together