ʟ ɪ ᴍ ɪ ᴛ ʟ ᴇ s s

Sitting down before the camera and interviewer once again, Moonbok smiles and offers a small wave. “Hello~”

“Well done on being considered as one of the top 50 in the competition, Moonbok-ssi. How did you feel about the results from last week?”

They’re going straight for the jugular this week, aren’t they? Sighing a little, Moonbok shrugs and give a slightly sad looking smile. 

“Well, I am glad that I got through, and I’m glad that so many of my friends go through too. We all worked hard.” He pauses, chewing on his lip before continuing. “I was shocked about how many people were eliminated, though. I know as much as anyone that this is a survival show, after all. But I didn’t expect them to cut us down to half in the first episode. I think it’s a shame, though. There were so many talented people that didn’t make it, I hope they don’t get discouraged from their dreams because of it.”

“Im Yoona is your cousin, right? Were you upset when she was eliminated?”

Well, what did they think the answer to that question was?! He’d started crying when the CEOs had bypassed Yoona’s name, and had only cried harder when it had been confirmed that he’d made it. He’d had to be consoled by her and his friends, of course he was upset!

“Yes... I was sad when her name wasn’t called. I thought noona had done such a good job. She’d worked hard, even though she’d never done something like a survival show before. But the judges know what’s best, right? I’m going to work hard for both noona and myself, now. I’ll give her a reason to smile, even if she won’t be here anymore.

“How do you think you did this week? Your song was very passionate, wasn’t it?”

Humming softly to himself, Moonbok leans back in his seat with a thoughtful expression. How had he done, hm? He feels as though he did fine, particularly given the changes he’d made to ‘Til I Die’ for the sake of keeping his performance clean in front of the CEOs and cameras. But he still wonders if he should have done a song that was completely in English.

“I’m satisfied with how I did this week.” He replies after a moment, nodding. “I’m happy that I manged to pull of the speed rapping halfway through without my words tripping over themselves. I still couldn’t to that this time last year. As for it being passionate? Well, I’m glad I managed to give off that impression! Because I honestly do intend on pursuing music until my last day.”

Were there any performances that you liked in particular?

Moonbok laughs in embarrassment, making a face. He knows that he should have expected this question again, given the nature of these interviews. But the fact that his answer would be so similar to last week’s feels a bit anti climatic.

“Well, my top picks would still be Eric Sohn, Choi Yena, Kang Yeosang and Seo Changbin. Though I have to give Eric a special shout out, I’ve never seen someone incorporate gymnastics into dance like that! I still don’t understand why he hasn’t been signed already.”

He pauses and hums again.

“That being said, I seriously enjoyed Daniel’s performance too! I can tell he’s still working on his rapping skills and hope his finds his rhythm and style soon, I think he has a lot of potential. But I really loved the rap he performed, it’s self-written, right?” Moonbok grins. “I know that writing your own raps is so hard, it takes me months! I’d actually love to collab with him sometime, maybe after the competition is over. ...If he’s not too busy with his band or a contract, that is.” He finishes sheepishly.

“I also really liked Romeo- wait, sorry. I really liked Mason’s performance. I’m glad he hasn’t let what happened with CONVEX hold him back and I hope he gets far, he deserves it, not matter what anyone says.” That goes for both netizens and Sphere itself.

Is there anyone you think will be eliminated for sure?

This again? Moonbok has to fight to keep a scowl off his face and his expression neutral. He’s both irritated that Mnet is still pursuing this line of questioning, but there’s also guilt swirling in his stomach. After all, he’d privately answered that Haruto would be eliminated last week, and that had indeed come to past. But he feels it was a wicked thing to have ever thought of in the first place and he can’t help but wonder if Yoona’s elimination was the powers-that-be’s way of punishing him for considering it.

“Like I said last week. That’s up for the judges to decide, not me. I just wonder how many people will be eliminated this week. Given the talent that was shown today, I think it would be a shame if we were halved again. It would be a great loss if that happened.”

The staff member decides to end the interview there, thanking Moonbok for his answers and dismissing him. With a returned ‘thank you,’ he heads back to his seat.

When the day had come for the skill challenge, Moonbok enters the studio and let his eyes roam around the set, heart still clenching at the fact that their numbers had been reduced to half. Of course, it just meant that they were now at the same number of contestants as the they were in the first episode last year, but it's still a little sad to see, given how many talented people had had to leave last week.

"Not so much like Produce 101 now, hm?" Moonbok snarks to himself before going to find a seat. Not too far ahead of him he can see Eric up to something and feels as though he should stop him. However his name is called by Changbin before Moonbok can go and try to put a stop to Eric's antics, and by the time Moonbok has taken his seat, Eric has returned to his, looking very pleased with himself. Praying that the younger hasn't done anything that will get himself tossed out, Moonbok engages Hwang Yeji in small talk, shyly accepting her compliments on her hair and wholeheartedly complimenting her dancing the week before.

The results of Eric's mischief become clear when Yena returns from talking to another contestant (Kenta, right?) and complains that she can't find her chair. This provokes amusement from the other contestants, particularly when Jackson Wang pointedly offers her his lap to sit on though it ends up being one of her girlfriends that makes Yena sit on her instead. Having no doubt that Eric was behind that little mishap but not any situation to scold him, all Moonbok can do is laugh and roll his eyes to himself as the CEOs enter. Then once again, he's on full alert, dark eyes trained them.

In all honesty, he was a little confused as to why they were showcasing their strongest skills yet again. Granted the previous week they'd showcased two of their strongest skills too. In any case, had he known that he'd be showing off his rapping again, he'd have kept one of his self-composed songs for this week instead. That's not to say he isn't happy with his choice of performance for this week, even if it is in English. The lyrics completely encompass his feelings and Moonbok sorely hopes he can do them justice.

The rappers would be the last to perform, with Moonbok himself going fifth. Until then there are a lot of other performances to have to sit through. Not that he lets himself lose focus, watching each of the others intensely. Though he can't help but lower his eyes when Shin Yuna takes the stage, knowing she too would be furious that he'd made it through to this round instead of Yoona. She hates his guts on a good day, after all. That's not say he doesn't enjoy her performance, but he does spend most of it staring at a spot beside her on the stage rather than at Yuna herself.

Moonbok wishes Yeji a quiet 'good luck' as she takes the stage for her performance, enjoying it thoroughly and giving her an encouraging smile when she returns. He also continues to be impressed with Eric's evolution and growth when it comes to his dancing. Not only was he sticking to a boy group song again for this week, but he'd managed to incorporate gymnastics into his routine, something Moonbok could only dream about being able to do.

Like last week, it feels like even though it's one of the longest waits of his life, it also feels so sudden when his name is called. Pulling himself to his feet, Moonbok makes his way down the stairs and onto the stage where the judges are waiting. Automatically he bows.

'He's always bowing! Sometimes it makes me forget that he's actually a rapper, he's almost too polite!'

Moonbok isn't sure who the whisper comes from, but he pointedly ignores it and straightens up to speak to the CEOs, offering them a small smile.

"Hello again. This week, I'll be rapping to pH-1 and Jay Park's 'Til I Die.' Please watch over me."

Brief piece said, Moonbok takes a step backwards. Silently, he waits for the music to begin and once he hears his cue, he starts without hesitation.

Lately I been caught up in my feelings Cus I was moving way up no ceiling I grabbed a chance heaven sent It ain't been the same ever since I’m waking up, sweating every morning

Truly, nothing has been the same since he decided to walk on the road of becoming an idol. So much had changed, his relationship with his parents (not in a bad way), his relationship with his uncle (That had always been poor, it had just gotten worse) even who Moonbok himself was. Sometimes he isn't even sure if he was pursuing this dream for his own sake or if he's doing it to prove to his parents that they hadn't given up on seeing him become a doctor in vain. He can't help but wonder if they secretly resent him for it, given the lack of progress he seems to have made in nearly two years. He knows he resents himself.

Though surely, if they were upset with him, they wouldn't have encouraged him like they did on Saturday night, or like they did on the night he'd been eliminated a year ago.

Fighting myself in my dream I'm my own opponent Every now and then I pop a pill to numb it down Voice inside my head I need to turn it down yea

He's never 'needed' to take anything for his moods, has never seen anyone about how his feelings sometimes feel as though he's drowning, suffocating in despair. He knows about the stigma of mental health issues in South Korea, he knows that being the eldest son confers certain expectations on him. He's terrified of looking weak, having to depend on medicine to be able to function. It's been hammered into his head for so long that he has to be strong and in control of his emotions.

But Dear God, it's not as though he's never thought about defying those expectations before. To get help and be free of the feeling that he's nothing more than a burden to his family and friends.

Can't hold it down Any longer I’m clipping Swear all these people just Praying til I'm slipping One thing I can't ignore is That I'm different

In the original song, this rap is melodic and almost song-like. But Moonbok has changed it to be a straight rap, bar for some undulations in his tone. It was a challenge to pull off, but as he listens to himself, he’s happy with how it sounds.

He wonders how many people are hoping he’ll mess up. He’d watched the last episode, he’d heard and read the comments said about him, Eric, Mason and the other returnees. How they didn’t really deserve to be there and should have given their spots to others. It still hurt him, and his face takes on a slightly melancholic look as he raps.

This is why he has to prove them all wrong.

The way I envision My future ambitions Chips on the table I raise to the max Can't beat my hand Imma leave with the bags Riding the wave I create on my own Imma jump in and give it all

What’s that saying? ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained.’ He knows that he could have forgone participating this season and tried the more conventional ways to be signed. But if he hadn’t done it, he’d have spent the whole summer wondering ‘what if’ and getting annoyed at himself. Just like when he’d forgone going to the SuperStar KT World and spent the next few weeks kicking himself for it, and that was probably what motivated him to enter the Triple Threat Challenge, even knowing that there was a chance that nothing would come from it. Not that it had, but it had at least helped him move on. In time, all of this heartache, confusion and hard work would pay off; he would be the star he promised himself he’d be.

Cus Imma do this til I die Imma do this til I die Cus imma do this til I die Imma do this til I die

After three years in university and a year and a half of actively pursuing the path of an idol, Moonbok is sure of one thing. No matter the outcome, he truly can’t see himself working in a field that isn’t music from now on. Whether as a performer, a producer, a lyricist and composer or as a music teacher, Moonbok’s life is music by now. And he honestly can’t imagine how he’d gotten by for so long beforehand.

(He’ll never say it aloud, but owes that bastard Youngsik everything.)  

They be like Aye Jay Where the heck* you going? (expletive edited for broadcast) I'm like aye you know? But don't be really knowing

His movements on stage aren’t as strident as last week, though he doesn’t take the microphone from it’s stand and paces back and forward as he sees fit. It’s probably an annoyance, but he’s always been able to focus on his rapping when he’s able to move around a little. Besides, it’s not much, a few steps to the side, pause for a few lines before returning to the center.

What's the end goal? I’m just focused on us growing Necklace iced out Boy it’s looking like it snowing

He’s grown a lot since that first audition a year ago, from where he nearly bawled his eyes out while auditioning. Sure, the songs are as impactful as they were then, but Moonbok has been better at presenting a facade of calmness and letting the lyrics fuel his performances instead of being caught up by them.

But one thing I do knows Take it to the top Either that or we die trying Every verse I write I gotta make it hot Brains over bron gotta Einstein It's in hindsight but Can’t attain the dream Gotta put in way way more work

His face breaks into a grin as he begins to speed rap, in English no less, enjoying the stunned gasps and murmurs it results in. True, he’s probably not on the same level as Mason, especially when the other is a native English singer, but Moonbok knows he’s no slouch.

He dares a direct look at the CEOs grinning even more at the slightly stunned expressions on some of their faces. Granted, he’s not sure whether that’s a good or a bad thing, but he decides not to worry about it too much. At least he knows that people are sitting up and taking notice of him, and not just for his hair.

Screw the garbage make it with the team* (expletive edited for performance) Everybody got their own worth I ain't there yet but I'm making my way Screw the haters you can doubt me*  (expletive edited for performance) I don't really care what you say

There’s one thing that irks him about rapping in English, though. And it’s the prevalence of swear words. Sure, he understands that they’re used for emphasis (sometimes), but he’d rather not get into hot water with Mnet or the CEOs and have his screen time cut for cursing on air. Hence he’d had to get creative with censoring, keeping the rhythm and flow of the words intact while still maintaining his speed. It had been a challenge, but he thinks he’s pulled it off.

Even without the swear words, the message is the same. Granted, he does care about the comments made about him online, but if he shows they upset him, then it’s only opening the floodgates for more abuse. In a twisted way, it’s like motivation. He wants to succeed, to make all of the people who dismissed and insulted him eat their words. Whether he does that with odd society, through a contract or even by striking out on his own, he’ll defy everyone who only see him as a pretty face.

Imma do this til I die They all wonder why It’s probably cause I see my vision going past the sky

His expression once again morphs into a serious and determined one, Moonbok fully embracing the lyrics he was belting out. How much of this rap would actually be understood by the people watching him, Moonbok wasn’t entirely sure, given that English is still a language that many people find difficult to understand. But there was sure no way they could deny his passion and his determination to succeed ‘until he died.’ That is surely universal.

Imma do this til I die They all wonder why It's probably cause I see my vision going past the sky!

He repeats the last verse in an almost triumphant tone, standing tall as the last notes fade away and the music ends, a resolute smile back on his features. He holds his position for a moment, before bowing once again and offering the judges his thanks, his voice back to its usual soft-spoken tone. He replaces the mic back onto the stand and returns to his seat, once again leaning forward to watch the rest of the rappers show their skills.

This stage, even more so than Red has reignited his passion and determination; and he hopes that everyone will see it. Yoona, his parents, even his uncle and anyone who spoke ill of him. He hopes he’s proven that no matter how hard it is or whatever it’s going to cost him, Moonbok won’t give up.

For a moment, he’s a little confused, had he done or said something inappropriate while delivering his performance? No, surely they would have stopped him there and then, if that was the case. However, no sooner does the thought cross his mind does he remember what the email said about everyone being interviewed after their performances while the CEOs made their decision and Moonbok mentally kicks himself.

After having his make up very quickly touched up (he’s not even sure if it’s strictly necessary, but he’s not about to argue with the makeup noona), Moonbok yet again finds himself in front of a camera and an interviewer.

He’s forgotten how many times he’s actually done this over the past year.

“Congratulations on making it to this round, Moonbok-ssi. How did you feel when you found you you’d received a call back?

Smiling, Moonbok bows as much as possible in his seat, pushing his hair behind his ears when he straightens up.

“Thank you! And to be honest... I suppose I was relieved. I was confident in myself when I left the initial auditions, but when I got home, my mind started replaying everything I’d done, trying to find mistakes. So I began to doubt myself a little until I found out the news. It was a weight off my shoulders, really!”

In all honesty, he’d have had no idea what he would have done if he hadn’t be called back. It would have been a massive blow to his confidence that he’s only started to rebuild. To not be considered good enough to make it to a callback this year when last year, he’d at least made it to the first live show? The thought alone had caused his migraines to be almost unbearable that week.

“And what did you think when you saw the set? It’s quite different from the one you were performed on last year, isn’t it?”

Moonbok laughs and nods.

“It is! It actually reminds me a bit of Produce 101, with 100 seats all in front of the judges. Though without the ranking numbers and ability to make people get up and take their seats.” At least, he hadn’t seen anyone ordering people to move. But maybe he’d just managed to find a quiet spot.

“You're one of the few people that were in this competition last year. Do you think there will be more expected from all of you compared to the others?”

Woah. Where did that come from?! For a moment, all Moonbok can do is blink in surprise while his mind races to catch up with the question he’d just been asked. Or all the things that could have been in this interview, this was the last thing he would have expected.

“I...guess..?” He begins tentatively, floundering a little.

“I mean, yes, I’m sure more will be expected of us. We will be under a lot more scrutiny; I’m sure people will be wondering why we’ve returned and not been signed in the meantime. So they’re probably expecting us to have improved a lot since last year. Whether they’re expecting us to get far....” he chews his lip a little. Whatever about the others, he’s not sure that people are expecting him to be much different, given what he’d uploaded on YouTube and SoundCloud over the last few months.

He’ll just have to prove them wrong.

“I hope we’ll meet their expectations, whatever they are. No. I hope we’ll exceed them!”

“And how do you think you did?”

Wow, they certainly weren’t taking any prisoners today, were they? This interview made the preliminary one feel like a casual conversation in comparison.

“I think I did alright.” He’s not going to be overly humble, he’s relatively satisfied about how he performed. But he’s not going to brag too much either.

“I know I did better than I did last year. Sure, I could still use improvement; I wish I’d been able to dance to it. But the choreography needs three people to work properly, so I would have done myself no favours if I’d attempted it. But, I’m happy with how I performed; I enjoyed myself and I hope they others enjoyed it too. Of course, it’s really about what the judges thought of it, after all.”

“Were there any performances you enjoyed?”

Once again, Moonbok’s face lights up and he nods eagerly. This was far more comfortable territory, he was always happy to hype up his friends and fellow contestants.

“Yes! I’m gonna have admit that I’m very biased here, but I loved my cousin’s performance. It’s Yoona noona’s first time doing something like this, and I’m proud of her! I could tell she was terrified, but she still got up on stage and performed in front of us all. That took nerve and I’m so happy she was able to do it!”

“Also, I really liked Eric’s performance. I’ll be honest, it kind of shocked me at first though.” He can’t help but laugh at the memory. “For as long as I known him, this kid has been obsessed with girl groups and he’s always given off this cute vibe. So to see him in the outfit he’s wearing and singing a song like Killing Me, I was taken aback. But he killed it! I’m proud of him for doing the rap part too, I know he’s not a rapper, but he did his best, and that’s really what counts.”

“Biased again, but I enjoyed Choi Yena and Seo Changbin’s performances too. They’re two of my closest friends, and I hope I’ll be grouped with them at some stage, if we all make it! Any Yeji-ssi’s dance was mesmerizing, I couldn’t take my eyes off her! But in all honestly, I think everyone gave it their all, which I was happy to see.”

“So, were there any performance that you didn’t like?”

For a moment, he’s silent again, eyebrows furrowed.

“It’s not that I didn’t like it, I actually thought it was pretty cool! But I don’t understand what Haruto-ssi was trying to show us with his performance; especially when it had nothing to do with music. Or maybe I’m just too stupid to figure it out. In any case, I was pretty worried when he fell over, if noona hadn’t stopped me, I would have gone all first-responder on him. But he seems to be alright, so I’m relieved.”

“Who do you think will be eliminated this round?”

‘Watanabe Haruto.’ is the first thought that crosses his mind, and Moonbok hates himself for even thinking it. He hates this question in general, it’s cruel and it’s just proof that, yet again, Mnet is trying to create drama for the sake of drama.

“I don’t know, it could be any of us, couldn’t it? It’ll be the judges who’ll make that decision. I just hope that my friends make it through, they’ve all worked so hard to be here.”

“If you survive this round, is there anything in particular you’d like to showcase in the coming rounds?”

“Probably my dancing.” he replies with a laugh, though he quickly shakes his head. “Ah, don’t get me wrong. Like I said, I’m not a dancer yet. But I’m also not the disaster that caused so much trouble for my Team Dream teammates last year either.”

For a moment there’s a bitter expression on his face, Before the Dawn’s performance playing in his head again, Moonbok still infuriated with the way he’d messed everything up for the others. He quickly schools his expression back into a smile, though.

“Other than that....? Well, I’ve improved as a singer too, so being able to sing would be nice. But I am a rapper, after all. I’d love to be able to perform in something like Monster or District 9, something with a fast-paced rap! It would be a challenge, but I think I can take it!”

“Thank you very much, you may return to your seat.”

“Thank you!”

Even though he’d had confidence in his initial audition, having known that he’d improved a lot in the last year, there was still that niggling sense of doubt in the back of his mind. The thought of ‘I’m still not good enough for this’ that would plague him for the next two weeks when Moonbok was unable to get to sleep. So when the confirmation email arrives, he feels a little bit of the tension within him ease.

On the morning of the callback, he stares at himself critically in the mirror, clothes strewn around the room as though he’d ransacked his closet trying to find something to suit the occasion. (Which, to be fair, he did.) When he’d been at home for the weekend, trimming his hair and letting Chaewon color it so it looked like ‘mermaid hair’ (her words, not his) had seemed like a good idea at the time. And don’t get him wrong, he still loves how it came out, the greens and purples blending in wonderfully with his own dark hair. But Hyun Bin’s words about his looks last year make Moonbok uneasy. He doesn’t want to be giving off the impression that he was using his hair and good looks to progress through the competition again this year. He truly wanted to be remembered for his performances and the effort he’d put into them, not just for his mistakes and for being ‘that long-haired rapper.’ With a groan, he simply turned his back on the mirror and dressed himself in the outfit he’d found the best sutible; not overtly casual like what he’d worn for the preliminaries, but not so formal as to stand out even more. Plopping his favourite hat onto his head, he made a face at his reflection.

“Let’s try not to screw things up today, alright?”

                                                           --------------------

Arriving at the venue, Moonbok’s eyes widen at the amount of people who made it to this round. He was sure there had only been about half as many people this time last year. Eyes roving amongst the crowd, he quickly finds Changbin and engages him in conversation, both of them laughing at how all of odd soc managed to make it to the callback. Before long, he’s caught by Yoona, his cousin almost beside herself from nerves. Though he can’t help but grin and tease her a little.

“I guess you didn’t do as badly in the interview as you thought you did, noona~” 

While they all loiter around waiting for the go-ahead to enter the set, Moonbok tryies to get Yoona to calm down a little before he spies a younger girl who’s winding her hair around her hands and generally also looking very panicky. Managing to extricate himself from Yoona’s hold for a moments, he goes over to the other girl, understanding her feelings completely. He does his best to provide some comfort; once she introduces herself, he remembers Sihyeon as someone who’d been an active twitter commentator during the last season and joking tells her that there’s no way she can do any worse than he did.

Eventually, they’re allowed onto the set to take their seats and Moonbok can’t help but laugh as he sees the layout, 50 chairs on tiers on each side of the stage, and the judge’s table in front of them all.

“Have we wandered on to the set of Produce 101 or something?” he jokes, unable to stop himself from noticing the similarities to the other popular survival program. Taking their seats, Moonbok does his best to hide a wince as Yoona’s hand clamps down on his almost painfully. At least he’s distracted from his own nerves, but he’s afraid that if his cousin grips him any tighter, she’ll actually break his hand. 

“Noonaaaa..... I still need to be able to use my hand after this, come on! It’ll be alright, if I could survive this round this last, than you can--”

Anything else Moonbok plans to say is cut off by the sound of a collective gasp causes Moonbok to tear his eyes away from his cousin and to the stage where, unsurprisingly to him at least, the five CEOs were making their way to the table. And while he was unsurprised, Moonbok could exactly say he was at ease either, swallowing hard. Even after being in this position last year and having performed in front of Tiger JK at the Triple Threat Challenge a few weeks ago, he can’t help be slightly intimidated by their presence. Luckily his attention is diverted by Yena, whose eye he manages to catch and he waves in response to her thumbs up, returning her mouthed ‘good luck!’

The first few performances are entertaining, and Moonbok can’t help but be amazed at Eric’s performance, and not just because of the younger boy’s attire. (How had he been let out of the house like that?!) He could never remember the boy having performed to a song by a boy group, knowing how much the younger was obsessed with girl groups. He’s impressed by his showing though, and is proud of the younger for trying the rap, even though he knows it’s far from being his specialty and applauds loudly when Eric returns to his seat.

He cheers loudly when Yoona delivers her performance, but yelps in shock as she trips on the way back to her seat. Luckily, she doesn’t seem hurt, but that doesn’t stop Moonbok from chiding her gently.

“Noona, be careful, please. Uncle would end me if you hurt yourself.”

She isn’t the only one to fall either. When Haruto crashes off the stage, Moonbok leaps out of his seat with an panicked “oh crap, is he ok?!” feeling like he was one of the few that wasn’t laughing at the other’s misfortune. He’s about to dash down to the stage and check for himself if the boy is injured or not when Haruto manages to get back to his feet and make his way back to his seat. Still, Moonbok’s worried expression doesn’t fade and he has to be tugged back into his seat by Yoona.

“Jang Moonbok!”

After what seems like both forever and in no time at all, Moonbok’s stomach lurches and his heart skips a beat as his name is called out by Hyun Bin. Of all people to call him to perform, it had to Hyun Bin, the man who’d eliminated him last year. Swallowing hard, he squeezes Yoona’s hand one last time before making his way to the stage, schooling his expression into what he hopes is calm and collected, even as his heart hammers in his chest.

Reaching the stage, he quickly pulls his hat off in order to bow to the judges and his fellow contestants, smiling despite his nerves as it finally kicks in that he’ll be performing for an audience once again, that he’ll soon feel that rush kick in again.

“Hello, I’m Jang Moonbok! I participated last year, but I was eliminated very early on...” He trails off, forcing himself to stare straight ahead at the camera before collecting his with again.

“I hope I’ll leave a better impression on everyone this year, though! I’ll be performing a song I wrote myself. It’s called Red and I hope you’ll like it.”

His brief piece said, he takes a step back as the music he provided begins. He closes his eyes for a moment, counting down the seconds in his head for his cue to start before throwing himself straight into his performance. No more hanging back, not now.

When I see this pitch black night As I look at the breath and words I long for I can’t just stay still today I wish I can do what I want just for today

One year later and sometime he feels like he hasn’t made much progress on his path in becoming an idol. Failed to be scouted during Halloween, never receiving a callback after TTC, sometimes he wonders if this is a sign that maybe he should just give up. But the thought galls him; he’s sacrificed too much to quit. Besides, he still has odd society to support him, his friends in various companies waiting for him. Here, once again today, he can try to make his dreams come true.

I don’t know you know me?

There is a dance to go with this song, it had been choreographed for him, Jihyuk and Heeseok. But without the other two there, Moonbok doesn’t feel confident enough to attempt it. Instead, he strides across the stage with the mic in hand, truly unable to stay still, but always making sure he can be heard.

I’m placing you in me If the world is prettier than you, that’s incomprehensible In just a few days, the mystery keeps growing Biting between day and night The sign of love is getting tainted

He can’t help but let his thoughts drift to Jihyo and he almost wishes he’d told her that he’d made it to the callback, or had even entered the competition at all. Involuntarily, a smile creeps onto his face as he raps. What they have is still something of a mystery, but at this stage, he's in no hurry to try and change anything. But at the same time he doesn’t want whatever they have to be tainted by anything, not even pity. Which is why he has to get through this round.

Fill me up with your color Without any spaces, hold me tight Just tell me, whatever you want Pour it out, don’t let anything remain Girl you got that

The rap turns more melodic now, somewhere between his own style and actual singing. Moving across the stage with the beat of the music, his previous nerves are forgotten for now. Instead, he thinks back to when he’d called to Jihyo’s house a few weeks ago. He’d been earlier than planned and had got a glimpse of the girl bare-faced. Though she’d quickly banished him to the kitchen to wait while she made herself up, Moonbok hadn’t missed the small smile she’d given him when he’d sincerely complimented how she looked. It was nice to see a softer side of Jihyo and Moonbok hoped she’d let him see more of it.

Returning to center stage after his striding in time with the beat, he replaces the microphone in its stand and Moonbok lets his gaze scan the judges’ face. Their expressions are unreadable, but he hopes that he’s making a good impression. Quickly taking a second to tuck a stray lock of hair behind his ear and without missing a beat, he continues on, this time staying put.

You’re so bright, yeah It’s burning red Tell me what you want yeah Tell me what you need girl Even if it’s in a cave I’ll go inside

He’ll do whatever it takes, not just to achieve his dream, but to make everyone around him happy. To make Youngjae laugh in a way that isn’t sarcastic for once, to give Yoona a reason to be proud of him when her father bitched about him at every turn and to show his parents that they didn’t have worry about his future anymore. That no matter what was coming, he had a plan.

You are like red Like red Right now I want to get closer to you Yeah We are like red Like red So bright, I’m amazed Whenever I see you

He’s glad they’d had an intensive week of singing classes in SNU the other month, it makes singing these high parts much easier. While he wouldn’t say he's good as Heeseok or Jihyuk, his voice isn’t cracking and stays stable. He hopes that when (if) this is aired, they’ll enjoy how this sounds with just one performer.

Or else they’ll roast him alive. One or the other.

You make me sing it La la la la la Yeah La la la la la you win it La la la la la la la la You make me sing it

This was only supposed to be a filler part while Moonbok had tried to think of better lyrics, but Heeseok had liked it so much that he’d insisted on keeping it, going so far as to force Moonbok and Jihyuk to record it with him. The lyrics were dumb and made Moonbok cringe internally, but the memories of the three of them make him grin again and he sings with gusto, thoroughly enjoying himself.

Having fun was half the battle, was it not?

Being blind with love Makes me crash into a wall of emotions Then that makes me realize How I hate you cuz I can’t live without you Like a mirror, you’re looking at me too It’s fire but just a small candle that’ll extinguish easily Your heart goes from a bright torch to a cold street light You get angry and twist your words I get burned by you and scarred It was all just playing with fire

When he’d written this part in particular, he’d thought he’d been rapping about Kyungri or Jihyo and all the things that could go wrong, his pessimistic nature rearing its head yet. But as he returns to rapping, his hands moving to the flow of his voice without an conscious input, he can’t help but wonder it’s about himself.

All those parts of himself he couldn’t stand, the cocky Moonbok who’d played with fire the year before and got so badly burned it had almost been the end of his dream. The pessimistic Moonbok who always assumed that he was worth nothing and didn’t deserve the praises he got. He was actually scared of how he could twist his own words to make them into a rod to break his own back. His emotions begin to take over again, but it just turns his rapping fierce and his expression even more determined. 

There were parts of himself that he hates and wishes he could erase, but they’re what makes him Jang Moonbok. And no matter how difficult it might be, he has to accept those parts if he wants to succeed. Not just in the MGAs, but in the competition called life too.

When I see this pitch black night As I look at the breath and words I long for I can’t just stay still today I wish I can do what I want just for today

He finishes with a repetition of the first verse, but with a slight softer and more hopeful tone, slowly coming back into himself. It wasn’t as long as he’d hoped, but quality counted as much as quantity did, after all. As the music fades, he smiles and bows once more, hand on his hat to keep it from falling to the ground. Straightening up again, he addresses the judges a final time.

“Thank you for listening to me, it was an honour to perform this song in front of you all!”

Smiling once more, he makes his way back to his seat, but nearly jumps out of his skin in fright as a sudden ‘YAAAAAS!' rings through the set. Laughter rings around the hall and after a second, Moonbok joins in as he realizes it was Eric that had called out to him. At least he had the approval of someone. Waving to the younger boy, he ducks back into his seat, face red and grinning.

He’d done the best he could. Now all he can do is wait and hope for the best in return.

It’s been a long time since he’d uploaded anything that wasn’t a cover, and it was the first time he was using his stage name out side of simply incorporating it into his social media handles.

Moonbok had taken Yena’s criticisms and suggestions on board when he’d re-written the song. It still had the underlying currents of anger and frustration he’d felt when he written it the first time, but now without all the childish whining and verbal foot stomping.

He’s not sure why he’d chosen to upload this two days after his initial MGA audition. Was it because it was almost a year since the last season and all that it had dealt him? Was it because he was back in the family home and that alone gave him a sense of safety? Or was it simply a coincidence that he’d finally had time to sit down and actually work on it over the past week or so?

In any case, Moonbok doesn’t want to lose his nerve and once he signs into osc’s soundcloud, he wastes no time in uploading the album art, adding in the necessary song and details and hitting upload. Once it’s confirmed that the song has been added, he logs out and closes the tab, heart hammering. A moment later, Moonbok shuts his laptop, gets up and wanders into the kitchen under the pretense of scavenging for food he can bring back to his and Youngjae’s apartment. (Much to his mother’s annoyance.)

He’s seriously gonna to have to complain about false advertising when it comes to deodorants. 24hr protection? They must be using a different clock to him. Pulling his shirt over his head, Moonbok quickly wipes himself down with a body wipe, stopping at the tattoo on his lower right torso briefly. Sometimes he was still stunned that it was there, even though he’d had it about two years by now. Smiling a little, he replaces his shirt with the clean one and pulls his hair (yet again) out of its braid, simply content to tie it back into a wavy ponytail for this last section. Exiting the bathroom, he makes his way back to the audition hall, nibbling on a cereal bar.

Almost home free.

Taking a seat outside the room once more, Moonbok scrolls idly through his phone for a good song. He’d had a slightly hard time in choosing what song he’d like to preform, having hovered between four in particular since the auditions had been announced. Singing under his breath, he tests his two absolute favourites of the four he’d chosen. It was pain to have to settle with one of them, when both resounded with him so much. But it's not as though he could simply mash them together. Though, technically, it would be showing how he could improvise creatively, wouldn’t it?

The risk of screwing it up is too high for Moonbok to be able to stomach, however. Mnet had already broadcast two of his spectacular failures to the whole nation, he doesn’t want to give them a third chance.

“Jang Moonbok?”

“Here!”

Well, it’s now or never, isn’t it? Getting up and returning to the audition room once more, Moonbok’s mind works at a mile a minute and he eventually comes to a decision he hopes is the right one as he’s stands in front of the judges once more.

“Hello again. For my improv skill, I’ll be singing FACE by NU’EST.”

This is a little more difficult without music, but it is an improv skill, after all. Hence why Moonbok had made the choice to forgo any backing track for this last round. Taking a breath in, he slowly exhaled and began.

You’re in my way stupid, what are you saying? The insides of your head is so light that your words are like feathers In this small, palm-sized place You search for the Himalayas but I’m different

He’s different, alright. Different from the rest of the family who were so involved with helping to make South Korea’s judicial and health systems what they are today. Now that’s publicly admitted who is family are, Moonbok knows there’ll be nothing but scrutiny, assumptions and comparisons directed towards him if he gets through.

He’s also reminded of himself from a year ago, a cocky brat who waltzed around after getting past the initial auditions only to get a slap in the face from reality soon after. He hopes the inside of his head is a better and more adjusted place now, even with everything he’s been through.

Hey, you’re gonna get hurt, move, you’re gonna get hurt Sometimes being too courageous is a problem Shout out, shout out to ask to save you If not, from now on, watch closely

He has to remind himself to take it slow this year. That even if he makes it past the first round, he can’t rest easy. There’s a fine line between being brave and being cocky, and Moonbok has no wish to be on the wrong side of it again. AT the same time, he knows that even though this is a competition, he should rely on his teammates and accept any help they give him, instead of turning it down under a misguided belief that he was being a burden to them.

He would do them all a greater disservice if he simply tried to plough on by himself to save his pride again this year.

The bursting out jackpot! No matter what anyone say, so what? This is the difference between me and you The bursting out jackpot! Till we finish, we can’t stop You always find out that it hurts after it shatters That’s what you’re only at that spot

It’s a hard lesson that Moonbok is still learning. That he will have to fail, multiple times before he can achieve his dream. The past year has shown him that. And he won’t lie, the sting of disappointment never gets any easier to deal with. It’s just that he knows that dwelling on the ‘what-ifs’ and ‘could have beens’ will only make the failure even more painful and harder to overcome.

So he just has to keep going until he gets his jackpot, move forward without stopping, no matter what was waiting for him. He won’t be like the others who’ve been forced to abandon their dream after too many failures, not if he can help it.

Coming to the end of the song, Moonbok pauses for a brief moment before bowing once more, not letting the relief show on his face. It had been a long day; just as long as it had been last year, but different. 

“Thank you for listening to me once more. It was a pleasure to perform for you all.”

                                                ------------------------------------

Handing back his nametag once more, Moonbok exits the school and for a moment, he’s slightly dumbfounded and unsure what to do next.

This year’s audition had played out so similarly to last year’s that it was slightly unsettling. Admittedly, Moonbok didn’t have the negative emotional reactions he’d had back then, and his performances felt more mature than they done a year ago. Maybe he’s simply overthinking things again, but a nervous feeling begins to brew in the pit of his stomach.

Shaking his head hard, enough to smack himself in the face with his ponytail, Moonbok decides not to dwell too much on it. He’s done all he can do, done his very best; it’s up to the judges from here on out. 

Without a backward glance at the school, Moonbok heads towards the nearest subway station, a smile on his face despite the exhaustion. He truly hadn’t been lying when he’d told Youngjae that he’d planned to visit his family this weekend. He hasn’t actually spent time at the family home since he moved to Seoul six months ago, and while meeting his family in the city was nice, it was not the same as being in the same home as them, sharing meals together or having petty squabbles over the silliest thing.

He missed it. He missed them. And if that one good thing came from the audition is that he’ll be back with his family again, if only for the weekend, then Moonbok is satisfied.