The Queen is Dead. Long Live the Queen.

And yes I put a trigger warning, because I know I personally appreciate when people do this. Yes I've heard arguments to the contrary - that life won't censor things, and of course it can't - you can't not expect the news or novels to never discuss an issue that makes you upset. But I see no harm in doing it on here - maybe some people want a safe haven over here that they can't get anywhere else, that's fine. I think most people know they will have to deal with these sorts of thing In real life but that doesn't mean I can't at least offer them this courtesy in this one place.

I wish there was something I could do. I tried hacking my wrists - well not very deeply, I was just practicing in case I wanted to kill myself that way. I'm not really interesting in cutting in itself. I just needed to see what a fraction of the pain might be like. It's definitely, like most suicide methods - a lot harder to do than think about it.

I don't know, I see no reason they shouldn't heal. They are no worse than my worst cat scratch(well they look a little worse but I think it's due to the amount of them not the depth of them) and they usually healed pretty quickly. Cutting definitely isn't my thing, I don't want to cut, I just want to die. I mean there's a reason I never cut before, I felt no appeal in the idea. Now don't get me wrong, I think I get the urge, when I am super internally frustrated, when I want to scream but can't I have smacked myself in the head or dug my nails into my skin very roughly- but I had to do that to channel the intensity of the emotions I was feeling. I guess this is how self harmers feel only more extremely.

I feel a bit bad, up until a few days ago I'd never contemplate doing such a thing - I have been thinking for a few weeks about slitting wrists in the bath but I didn't count that as self harm as it wasn't my intention - my intention would be death. But I realized I needed to try it out first, a couple days ago I had a surge of intense emotions so with  the idea of dying becoming even more fervent I needed to practise it.(I have been thinking of suicide since Summer 2011 but the only time I was very serious about it is almost at it's 1 yr anniversary(April 1 2012, I planned it out the whole day, spent the day sobbing but in the end I was so exhausted from the crying I didn't have the energy - so I thought tomorrow then, but it didn't happen)

I wish there were people who are older than teenagers in any of the depression/suicidal tags. I just don't feel like I can relate to these kids. I'm not 16 or 17, I don't have body image issues, no more than the occasional 'well I wish my ears were prettier,' for the most part I am way passed any of that and it's a not problem for me. People being depressed  about High School, Eh, can't relate with that either. I generally did well, generally my teachers liked me, My only issue was what I created myself and that was my sporadic attendance records. And that was my doing, not the school's. It had nothing to do with not liking school, I can't even tell you the cause of this, I don't know myself really. But I always managed to escape any major punishment due to the fact my teachers liked me and my grades were good in most subjects.

My self esteem issues are not related to any sort of bullying(was never really bullied at all beyond the occasional occurrence but even then it was more a ridiculous kid things that even then didn't get me down very much ,it was nothing serious and completely died out by High School).

Whatever ails me seems to be so much more abstract than others. I don't think I am ugly, or fat or 'no one will ever love me'. Granted I am kind of an anti/suppressed romantic type and maybe the thing is I know it's from my end these things do not happen for me, not because I am one of those girls who thinks ';Oh why would they like me, of course not' I'm gross'  That's not me. This is not where my lack of self esteem or unhappiness comes from.

God, I just wish someone in the 20 plus range might be able to talk to me. I'm sorry for all these teens, but I think I need something different.

.I don't know - look at my blog, it's in no way a blog that has anything to do with issues such as these, as I don't want it to - it's my place to escape so I don't want it to be that dreary.. So it does feel like kind of a personal turn off when I go onto a blog by a person dealing with mental health issues and it's all black and white and intense...and I don't think that's me. If it helps you, please do it - but its not the way for me.

I am so sorry to have to post this. My blog typically does not venture into this sort of territory, I am generally far too unwilling to be that personal and depressed on here. I'm saying it, because I don't know what to do, I don't want to call a helpline, I wouldn't know what the hell to say - really I'm not sure I want to talk at all but I guess I could give it a try. So if you are 20 plus or at least out of HS - maybe could you respond?

I wouldn't mind if you don't, I know most text stuff I post doesn't get read - and that is because my blog is not very popular(which again I really don't mind at all) I made this blog for myself after all.

This isn't something I ever wanted to do, I didn't want a post anything like this - I kind of felt like - what they hell do my problems have to do with a bunch of strangers - how on earth would opinions of people I don't even know make me feel any better -  and do I want to clog my blog up with dreariness?

I don't think people who post things like this are attention seekers, and I'm not trying to be either but there is a part of me that is a bit *face palm'*will I look like a ridiculous idiot? Because I don't want to.

I will regret this. So often as much as I want to talk, the other half of me is just - *shakes head* you can't alter it. It's stunningly amazing how strong negative will power can be.