I’m glad ive written here even if not much. The progression of life never stops. Shit can feel so heavy but not once can you take a break, time still keeps going. Now you can slow down, take a deep breath, look around, but never a real stop. Maybe, if you’re lucky, and grateful, you accept your blessings, your power, your failures and your shortcomings, maybe you’ll get a few moments. Just a few sound moments of peace, as long as you’re ready to receive them. Because you don’t get a break, life will not wait for you, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe that’s where all the wonder lies.

3 months ago feels like a life time

How do you say “I want to fucking kill myself” to people without it sounding too alarming?

Why is it hard for men to take a woman seriously, why must they feel so entitled to time, attention, and resources. Now I don’t believe in throwing people away, but what do you do with a man adamant on wasting your time?

Feeling pretty lonely lately. I didn’t think id miss him so much. Ive left my fair share of people and haven’t necessarily missed them like this. Maybe it’s a good thing. It’s an opportunity to get to know myself a little better, ask myself some hard questions. Do I miss being around them, like who they are as a person? Do I miss just having a person for intimacy close by? I think maybe that’s the one. I cant lose sight of what this was for, who it was for. I need to be better not for him, not for the next guy, and not for my future but for me right now in this moment. I want to be better for me, I want to be happy for me. I want to set goals and to achieve them, I want to build my life back up. It’s true this whole situation really set me back , I mean not only financially, but emotionally, mentally. My self esteem is depleted I feel so low about myself, but I deserve better, I want better, I can do better.

Sometimes your first emotions towards something are not always the most honest. Sometimes we have to react with love instead of fear. Fear of judgment, fear of unworthiness, fear of the unknown, the uncontrollable. Love of life, love of self, love of others that’s the only thing that will get each of us out alive and with some dignity.

An ex called me last night, i guess i set myself up for that one. I kinda called him first two nights ago. We had sex for the first time in over a year this man literally fucked me up and here my dumbass is having sex with him. It’s different now there’s no doubt about that. It’s been what feels like a lifetime since i left him in the middle of an alley after drunk screaming at him for lying to my face. I guess I should know better i mean i left my last guy for a similar reason right? Don’t get me wrong im not as delusional as to think that this time will work or that he loves me. I guess just after my recent break up and moving back home from across the country i needed something. Somehow this particular ex filled that something, i mean he’s going through a break up himself and now we’re exactly back to how we started, using each other for a very SEXUAL ego boost. I guess it helps that it’s really good sex.