Mon Rae Doe’s Days

I am grateful that Allah (swt) still gives me reasons to live and to keep going.

I had honestly a mid day. Im trying to start my tutoring business but it has been SO dry and I genuinely am trying to do this so locally because man online tutoring sites bummed me out when I was just starting.

I haven’t done an undergrad either so my qualifications aint much I just know the stuff I know ygm.

We are VERY financially tight and its not good at all but hey ho ig.

Im trying hard and doing what I can but alhamdullilah I was able to draw something.

Honestly I took off my hijab and im scared i will stray but honestly i just need a break I want to go back to the hijab I really really do.

25 June 2026

Tumblr has become my safe space. A lot has happened but its the holidays now. I have really bad knee pain thats still burning.

I had a panic attack 3 days ago and i lost all that spark i had. I dont have an ipad any more and frankly idc. I dont do anything. Ive fallen into complete depression.

Should i go into it? Im not sure.

Ive lost my will to live.

Im holding on

I truly am i just think im closer to ending it

13 March 2026

ok so I have been on a massive grind as soon as i landed. but I have come to realise hard work is not smart work. I know i was really perfecting my content knowledge but in doing so I was failing to go back and review. it became a viscious cycle and listen its march I really need to get a hold of my self. I have decided to just do exam paper questions for chemistry and make it open book so 1 - i can review content and 2 - practice questions. I still need to tweak the plan as I think while doing that i still need to actually learn content but I will do that. Maths came as a total shock, pelted me in the face honestly, I came back from saudi and I forgot literally everything. so i am doing A1 recap. im gonna do a full a1 section review and inshallah it is done by saturday and biology is lowkey not too bad just have to start exam papers now which I will do. my chronic pain has increased but i will admit i have only been swimming and other than that i have not done anything massively productive in terms of physio. it sucks but I think i tried to push my pain under the rug but reality made me realise, oh yeah this pain cant be something you can toughen up. its a negotiation/haggling battle with your body that is just so hard. nonetheless I will pray it gets better but also start doing my physio more consistently. Ramadan has truly been much more different this year. I really find the fasts a lot more difficult but alhamdullilah that in itself is a priviledge.

since my phone is hard to hold rightnow due to the pain i am grateful enough I was able to type this through my computer. truly I really needed an outlet to speak on. a bad habit i fell into was just yapping into chatgpt. Due to my perpetual loneliness and intense grief and depression I really needed a space to for my feelings. Tumblr I know has a lot of AI but from the communities i am present in, I see a lot more human interactions and i am greatful I can just share my thoughts a lot more freely than lets say other social medias . which I by the way quit because this era does feel like whatever happend in rome which was how "if the people were fed and entertained then they wouldn't rebel" which is exactly what instagram feels to me honestly. I really do quit from instagram which sucks ass icl because I love instagram but its truly ruining people.

didnt mean to go so dark and into a tangent lmao but its fine,

thank you so much,

23 February 2026

My sister told me to get her perfumes while I went to by myself ouds or perfumes. My sisters a perfectionist and so it put a lot of pressure on me to buy her perfume while she went to go buy manchurian chicken cause she was craving that. I ended up getting 3 (1 was buy 1 get 1 free) and she hates all 3 :). I was shopping mind u at 3 am and I bought them all thinking of her not me. She has been pissed off at me since but Im pissed off too because hello??

I told her im done buying stuff like this for her. Im not good with this and I usually freak out with perfectionists. They are my least favourite type of people. Maybe because deep down I know I feel stupid next to them. Perfectionists show you whats perfect but when that perfect is so rare :) you feel stupid.

I appear quite confident and will end up defending myself and it makes me look laid back. Im not im extremely anxious and am everything but laid back.

Ive mentioned how my parents are stubborn and toxic. My father is also a huge perfectionist. I end up feeling really stupid with him too. Perfectionists have a lot of talent to admire. My sister is talented in the arts and my dad is a jack of all trades. Compared to them I don’t have a lot going for me. The only thing I have left is really nothing. I can only pray to work hard now but after illness and whatnot I feel like I’ll never find a talent anyway.

I feel shitty to say the least.

I feel like I’ll never be good enough and Ive decided to just give up.

Im not going to ever please a perfectionist because i never look for perfect. I don’t know how to and maybe i have too much noise in my head. I wish i could find something perfect.

It wasn’t even cheap lol. Like 125 and 198 riyal.

:,)

15 Feb 2026

Its 9 am in Saudi Arabia right now. It feels surreal that I am here.

I had a massive fight with my parents for absolutely no reason. It wasn’t even like I said anything. My moms the type to just burst at me, and my dad. Its such a sad reality. I prayed so much for them but between you and me it felt like waste of time. I feel like what was the point.

Ive been here since 13th Feb. I flew on the 12th.

In the flight from uk to bahrain 🇧🇭 i had kids behind me who kept kicking mine and my twins seat. Honestly horrendous. I was so angry at the parents but it was a fully booked flight I was stuck for the first 5 hrs thankfully for the last 2.5 hrs i swapped with my parents and finally slept as the night before I had a total of 50 minutes of sleep. But الحمد لله that was over. Overall the rest of the journey was smoother الحمد لله

I did my umrah yesterday and it felt surreal. But I was so disappointed that i completely forgot surah Kafirun cause i was like “WHY NOW” lmao. But its ok. I’ll work harder next time.

Today we woke up at 3 am and heading your to do tawafs at masjid Al Haram. It was great <33 i loved praying fajr.

On the way back my mum got angry at me for literally no reason, im glad my aunt was witness to her injustice. She ended up standing up for me a lot. Im really hurt by my dad. Im done with him and my mom. They can’t keep going on with this endless pride that they are always right. They are so manipulative and toxic that I kept praying for them to get better. All duas are accepted ofc im not saying it went unnoticed but a person can only change if they themselves change. Its freewill and those two have too much of it.

Im sorry for the rant. I want to be as honest as I can here.

Thank you so much,

9th Feb 2026

This is exhausting but i started work at 5 am. I prayed Fajr but then at 7 I had to get my little sister ready for school and then drop her off with my neighbour which made me come home at 9:30 pm. I planned to go to sleep at 10 am cause my body crashes during then and then I went to the gym with my friend and that made me come home at 6 pm. And then I knocked out liter on the floor till 8pm and then again had to help out.

Idk I lazed out icl. I was up from midnigg because thats the problem I don’t sleep for more than 4-5 hrs at a time which sucks ass.

I didn’t study much at all i only did maths.

To say Im not disappointed in myself would be so false.

Im very disappointed.

Im also overwhelmed cause Im going abroad and argh there is no itenerary and argh why. It was meant to be my uncles job but they are splitting up from the group UGH. 😭✋ now I am making the itenerary.

So tired. The living room is a mess but Im just so fatigued

Im writing all this at 1 am of 10th Feb and so today I have an appointment. Telephone thankfully but still ugh.

I cant be doing this shi icl.

These appointments get my anxiety up so bad.

Argh I think Im really anxious right now.

I want to study but its like Ik im really tired so i wont get shit done ugh.

Okay. Its okay. Nothing will change I can only move forward.

Thank you,

7th And 8th

I got dragged to go shopping which was great cause i got to have a milkshake الحمد لله on Saturday. Then Sunday because of the chaos this week i couldn’t gym at all! 😭so I went to the gym by bus which was fine. Gym was good but the life guard went to the same highschool as me. Ive never spoken to him but i keep seeing him look at me and its so awkward bro. This isn’t even like a “omg he likes me” or smth like that. This is pure “hold up istg I know u.” Typa shi. 😭 like urgh. Also I finally started wearing goggles and bro. I dont like seekingb the stuff under the pool. Yuck.

Its 3 am and my chronic oain is flaring up so i went try to sleep anymore cause lying down us stiffening me up. I might go down to eat smth tho. And then stretch and study?

Let’s see!

Thank you,

6th Feb

I hardly studied like an 1hr and a half? My backs not doing good and my hand pain is coming back. I’ll have to go swimming tomorrow. Due to my Father’s collapse a lot responsibilities fell on me out of nowhere. Pick up my little sister with my neighbour which eats an hr away, then feed + get my little sister ready for afterschool club and then I got some time to myself to relax because honestly its really stressful.

After my little sister came home me and my twin tutored my neighbour and my little sister. Then fed my little sister and heres the thing and idk if this is an actual thing but my little sister is not a good eater. She just doesn’t chew quickly and like stores it in her mouth? Tmi maybe but like it takes ages for her to eat and today it was ages too. Then me my twin and my mom had a massive argument which ended in absolute tears.

Fair to say today was not really my day.

Im still very much in tears. Between you and me I have intense anxiety and im very scared of my mother. I love her but I am absolutely terrified of her.

This much stress does not help with my chronic pain and only makes things worse so إن شاء الله tomorrow is only better :)

I hope your day wasn’t nasty like mine.

Thank you,

Mon Rae Doe.

5th Feb 2026

Day off because my dad had to go to the hospital and cane back cause the nurses were awful. Im kinda tired it was a truly exhausting day and a horrible day for my dad. Its 8pm and im just gonna take the day off its too much.

Thank you,

4th Feb 2026

My 3rd Feb was going really unsuccessful so I went to bed at 8:25 pm and woke up at 1:40 am to start my day again! I’d say it worked out better. I did a lot of Energetics exam questions hurray!

I’m gonna do Kinetics exam questions now (it’s 4:55 am) and then i’ll make something to eat as a snack. I plan to stay up till my appointment which is at 9:45 am. Im a bit worried about the appointment because what is it with Healthcare staff being so rude. Especially the receptionists!

Ugh i’m getting tired of the endless appointments. I have another one next week too and they can call 1 hour before or 1 hr after the actual time and each appointment is like 30 minutes. Bro I hate that because that means Im waiting for be interrupted for AGES. Its a bit of a rant but I can’t emphasise how much this actually affects my life. I really wish I was a normal healthy student because I really hate this treating my body like an old rusty phone battery life.

Anyway rant over, الحمد لله I actually got some work done but إن شاء الله I pray today and actually finish a lot of work.

Thank you for listening,

February 2-3rd 2026

Ok so I have started to really hammer down and finish topics!

Finished 1/2 of equilibria and energetics and kinetics are all done! Will be doing إن شاء اللّ more Exam Questions and Maths tomorrow and biology will be revision instead of focusing on new content.

Muscles and nervous system are both newly done and for maths I need to finish Sequences and series.

My concern for tomorrow is I am going out with my mother but I don’t think I’ll go to the gym tomorrow just because I really damaged my eyes from the chlorine today.

Im super tired but الحمد لله I’m happy I finished the work.

I really love sharing my opinions here it’s a great routine!

Thank you!

February 1st 2026

I did energetics and almost completed it yesterday but I pray I do better today!

I have 2 hours to finish Chemistry and then I have an arabic Lesson.

After I want to finish the muscles topic on bio

And then for maths finish sequences and series

Thank you!

January 31 2026 - Morning!

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Good Morning!!

Ok its 11 am rn,I deadass really need to clean my room but I’m gonna be heading downstairs to see what I need to do as we are having guests over late at night tonight so theres that.

Study plan:

- clean my room (20 minutes.)

- Energetics - COMPLETE IT. Will probably need 2 apples minimum.

- i wanna finish Muscles too today

- Also sequences and series.

Thats a lot to cover all before guests arrive.

I also Have Arabic but I want to see how far my Ambition takes me.

Ok I’m gonna go now!

Have a great day!

Intro to Mon Rae Doe’s Days

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Hihihi,

I’m Mon Rae Doe, private candidate for A-levels and here I want to document my A level journey ><

I have a non linear path to A levels as i was meant to do them last year but my health COMPLETELY plummeted and I was forced by the universe to quit but it caused my medical mysteries to finally be solved this month (its been 3 years)

I made this to document life as a student with Chronic Pain. My chronic pain has altered my life in ways I never knew it could. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression and I am a care taker for my much much much younger sibling.

With all this I want to document my Life a bit more. I want to be able to make this shit show a bit more enjoyable.

I plan to make a post everyday <3 just summarising what I did or what I will do!

It’s ambitious but I don’t want chronic Pain syndrome to define me anymore.

And also I need to study but Im losing all spark in my life.

Thank you so much,