my happiness

I remembered when my father once asked, "bakit ba nila keylangan mag parade?" Pride parade, he meant. I remained silent like I choose to often do. To open one's eye on why do LGBTQ+ people hold parade & celebrate Pride every month of June, we can go back of what's part of the history decades ago.

LGBTQ+ people who's afraid to be themselves & basically express pride in this present time isn't new at all. The fear & hiding one's sexual identity has long been existed since the 20th century as living by being homosexual was against the law. Lives of queer people were lead to a horrific state as they've experienced being hunted, criminalized, & physically harmed by police authorities to such specific places such as bars wherein queer people could take the chance to be united with one another. Fortunately, authorities and the law itself didn't successfully ommit the existence of those LGBTQ+ people as a brave & life changing act happened when another raid occured on June 28, 1969 at Stonewall. Stormé DeLarverie, Marsha P. Johnson, & Sylvia Rivera were the people who took a further step in standing for the community's rights as Stormé DeLarverie retaliated the police while Marsha P. Johnson & Sylvia Rivera founded Street Transvestite Action Revolutionaries (STAR) that supports homeless trans youth and other LGBTQ+ people. Although the fight against oppression wasn't easy and immediate to attain, a march the following year of 1969 was held to commemorate Stonewall riots and it continued to happen up to this generation.

Although this story existed specifically in the U.S., hundreds and thousands of queer people across different countries have also been through frightful and miserable experiences which lead to increasing rate of something more painful to take. Violence and suicide.

No wonder it is hard for other queer individuals out there to be who they really are due to the society and what's educated and told to be the norm. I, myself have been in that position. Afraid, anxious, confused, and unhappy. When I was a little kid all I know was I wanted material things that boys own. I never understood what's fascinating about femininity. Dress, hair, choice of color, posture, and, how girls gush over boys. There was really something that bothered me since I was young because I felt something different at a very young age & I didn't ask for somebody else's presence to help me get through those different phases. I was all by myself.

And throughout the years of helping myself, the first thing I did in order for me to overcome the hurdles was to come out not to the people around me but to myself first. That was the moment of freedom for me. My mind became at ease and loving who I am is one of my wealth.

After that, I've decided to gradually come out to people closest to me. I chose to come out to my best friend, one of my college friends, former colleague, then to another college friend as I know they would understand me and I was right.

However, there's another important people whom I need to be honest with. My family.

February 14th of 2021, valentine's day. An unforgettable valentine's day as my mother once joked when she finally knew the truth. It was the day that I've decided to go to church & meet the woman I fell in love with for the very first time. Her place was quite far from where I lived and so my parents started getting worried as they thought I'd be back home early and due to the fact that positive cases of covid at the time was still high. When I reached the terminal, I told my mother where I was and who's the person I'll meet but that didn't calm them down. They kept on telling me to go home already and they also started reaching out to one of my college friend. As I was desperate to do what I've planned, I still spent that afternoon with someone so special to me and later on decided to travel back home. The moment I've arrived back at home that day was the moment that also changed my life. After cleaning myself, I told my mother to come with me at my room. The door was locked. I suddenly got emotional while my mother was sitting in front of me and asked if I have a problem. I knew at that moment that my mother already knows something about me. I nodded.

Then she asked a different question this time. Are you gay? (In Tagalog) I said yes.

My mother's initial reaction was something that I've already expected. Leave the woman. Being gay is a sin. How would I be able to love and take care of another woman if I myself is also a woman. Those were the things she said. But I didn't say something rude back to my mother. I tried my best not to since she's still my mother after all.

The third day after I came out, we were still not okay at home including my father who was just quiet after what happened. But right after I finished my work, both my parents started to approach me at my room and told me that we should talk and fix what's needed to fix as that's what family is supposed to do.

Then, my mom started confessing, she knew that there's something different about me since I was young. When I used to dress & act like a boy. She knew it and thought to herself that if she has a gay daughter, she'll accept it. My mother was crying when she was telling me this. It was another emotional moment. After all the confrontations that afternoon, my parents, especially my mom, never ever spoke negatively about me, my sexuality, and even to the woman I love.

I am very much thankful to my family, my friends from high school & college that are all supportive, & to Ms. Tony who was also so accepting. Thank you all so much.

I wrote this in honor of Pride 2022.

Now that I'm out especially to my family, I want to take the turn to help & maybe inspire specifically closeted queer people as I was also able to gain help from LGBTQ+ people known on the internet when I was still closeted.

No matter what stage you are currently at right now, confused, afraid, exploring, waiting for the right moment to tell the truth, know that everything that's going on to yourself is completely okay & you are not alone. You shouldn't run away from the vulnerability that you might be experiencing. Accept it but put in your mind that you're worthy as a person. Your sexuality that is part of who you are is beautiful. Come out to yourself first before you do it to the people around you because trust me, coming out never stops at a certain chapter of your life. You will do it to more people and more people & you gotta do it proudly. Also know that you are loved and not judged by the people that are true to you. Yes, it might be hard to predict whether things would turn out positive or negative, but don't worry. The right people would stick with you and choose to accept you.