Monolague writer :)

The sinking feeling started when I was 6 after I moved for the first time and I was taken away from everyone I knew. Every move seemed to add to that feeling. Every time I stepped onto the scale it got worse.  It left for a while but then with him, that's when I feel like the sinking below the surface started. I don't do anything! And yet I’m still so exhausted it feels like I'm sinking. The last time it got this bad I was in middle school lying in the tub staring at the ceiling before sinking below the water for minutes at a time trying to drown. I don't do it anymore but sometimes it feels that way when I get home and I lay in my bed. Sinking below into the covers. Letting myself sink into sleep. I wonder if death is like sinking. On Sundays, I lay in bed and let the covers swallow me. ( next part fast)  The sinking feeling that I’m alone grows every day, every day I forget my meds ( break), every day I mess up ( break), and every day I get yelled at ( break), that feeling grows ( quiet). It swallows me more and more every day. I look into the mirror and it all warps into more and more self-hatred and it feeds into the monster that helps sink me deeper and deeper into the depression, deeper into the darkness. On the really bad days, I don't eat, it’s a pitiful attempt to lose weight but all I do is gain. On those days I crave for someone to just hold me. But they all left me again and again but I guess it's my own fault. ( pause) On the stage with those bright lights on me, I can finally take a breath. The applause is like oxygen in my lungs and finally, I feel free from every negative thing I’ve felt before. At long last, I can breathe and love myself and others and I don't feel like sinking below the water anymore.