Already Dead

The weeks have been long and slow, yet so fast and barely there?

I was meant to go to hospital last week because of abnormal T-wave function that is unresolved, but I hid away because there is no way I can deal with being stuck there again.. now my team is reluctantly letting me avoid it, so long as the waves and my bloods don’t get worse.

Every day is a matter of just pushing food into myself so that I can walk ~25km average, disappear from my brain with substances, and make stupid choices.

Once again 3 nights ago my forehead carried a sign that must have said ‘I’m an easy target, come get me.’ Although it has subsided a little, I am still in some pain and am too scared to admit to my GP that I let stupid things happen again and that I probably need some tests >.> she already is holding me tightly by the collar about going to hospital and I don’t need her having more of a reason.

Sunday morning I spent a good 10 hours feeling like I was in slow motion, unable to determine what around me was actually happening or not, and near constant audio hallucinations which I had to attempt to block out with my headphones/music :/

I didn’t think there was any chance of making it through at several points, begging someone to punch me in the chest to stop my heart.

I really want to wait for the court stuff to end though before I try to get anywhere with this darn ED. I can’t take any more partial recovering states followed by relapsing.

They’re not happy with the fact I haven’t pooped all week, but how can they expect me to poop when I’m consuming just milk, yoghurt and custard?!

‘Hop in’ (a strangers car) is one of the first lessons I learnt as a young child...and I didn’t follow it now that I’m an adult. I’m not actually sure if what he gave me was what he said, I had to keep looking at my hands and Elliot because I was hallucinating like crazy, everything was turning into animals and people running at us, and I was so scared and angry with myself for having let this happen.

I tried to tell her things were fine, just wasn’t really hungry etc. and that it’s not fair people are making a fuss because when my GP first met me, I was a great deal smaller than I currently am and that if my results do come back fine, I shouldn’t be forced into anything based on such a stupid gigantic number.

‘Well we don’t want to see the same as your grandad, but with yourself- being forced into hospital.’

I replied ‘but he is sick from his diabetes, whereas I’m fine.’

Then she said it. The word that scares me when used in regards to myself (and made me cringe),

‘Aleisha. Yes your grandad has diabetes, but you have anorexia.. You are not well.’

I don’t even know what I’m going to say to Carmel tomorrow.. if I be honest and don’t waterload, I don’t know how far it will drop since last week x.X I managed overall 8 vodka shots, 2 salads, and 1.5 almond coffees over the week. Urghhh Aleisha.

I am so tired because I have already walked over 12km (not sleeping) and it’s only quarter to 1 in the afternoon.

I have numbed myself so much with my usual method of action. And a few others..

In the process I’ll end up having lost 10kg in Feb alone :/

My bloods are still perfectly fine and everything (well, they haven’t been tested..) and vitals are all fine so I’m seriously fingers crossed nobody pulls me up for it :( I just want to keep going and going and going. It feels so much better than what the other weeks were feeling like.

But what else do you do when you can no longer handle being in your own skin, when the piece of filth of a person you are (I am) just can’t seem to get anything right in this world, and can’t even handle the feelings and ~everything~ coursing through me?