monika

how could you have known what was happening and stay silent. you saw first hand you saw my crying face you saw me fighting for my right to simply exist in our house and still you didn't do anything. you fought at first, but i was never worth enough for you to remove yourself from the situation entirely. maybe you just got tired. how could you know how it made me feel for the past 7 years and just dismiss it. i know you love me, just not enough compared to him.

i miss a part of you that i never had, that i never even knew, that was never mine. you're still here but, i just miss you.

sometimes i do like just closing my eyes and thinking about what could happen between us romantically, i let my mind wander and think of the scenarios i could only dream of. laying in bed together, taking walks to the corner store, holding you're hand when you're not looking, getting annoyed of you but still hugging you, stretching over you like a cat while you lay down just to bother you. as much as i like thinking of these fantasies, i don't like to let myself dream too much because you're right here. i could spend all my time imagining a future that doesn't exist, but i'd rather appreciate our friendship that does. i have memories with you and can talk and be comfortable with each other whenever. even though its not the same type of scenarios happening in real life compared to my fantasies, i'm still glad to have you.

yesterday we called again, we call a lot but this one is particularly special to me. you started talking about how you're scared girls will never like you and that you're ugly or not noticeable. it bothers me when you talk about it because i wish i could just tell you i liked you and the thoughts i have about you, cause if you knew what i thought of you, you'd never feel insecure again. anyways, since i cant tell you my feelings i told you a bit of my thoughts, my personal thoughts, like that i like you're dorky laugh, how you look when you're watching videos when you think i'm not watching, you're double chin when you lay down. it was embarrassing for me to admit and i think it wasn't as much for you since its just you're friend complimenting you, but to me it was like admitting my feelings in a way. i'm glad i'm someone you can lay you're head on, i could never risk losing this connection with you.

i was a bit drunk the other day for 4th of july. i drunk texted you being stupid and i kept complimenting your looks. im suprised i didnt tell you how i felt. i said youre handsome and features i liked about you, and you said thanks and agreed. but i did say that when you had first texted me i had my hopes up because you were handsome and i think you were maybe wierded out by that?, im not sure. i dont think you really even took any of it seriously since you dont know about my feelings but still i kinda wish you wouldve took it serious.

you always say you want a girlfriend or you want a crush. it always make me so sad when you talk about it so i try to avoid the topic. i wish you knew i liked you, that i try my best to understand and see you, i like you for who you are. if you knew at least you'd know that you're not a "background character" like you say. nothing negative you say about yourself is accurate to me. i like you're nerdy interests, i like to hear you're stories, i like you're hooked nose, i like you're soft jawline, i like you're messy hair, i like when you stutter, i like you're dorky laugh, i like everything. i wish you could see that i see you and appreciate you beyond friendship. you're not someone that i can just skip over.

later on in the call it got kind of quiet and awkward. i started reading some poems i had on my tumblr feed to you and i think you liked them. i guess i got carried away and told you about my tumblr account but i pretended it was another girls account that i just enjoy reading. i read the car scenario entry to you, you didn't say much. i don't know why i did that, i feel guilty i feel like i deceived you. i know its harmless, but still i lied to you. maybe this blog about you is weird of me but i just need a place to be open where i know i'm seen at least by someone who can relate. and hopefully some day i'll confess and show you, though right now that seems like something i'll never do. i know for sure you don't like me the same way i do and it drives me crazy feeling like i'm deceiving you for hiding my feelings in the dark. i'm sorry. even if i lost all feelings for you tomorrow, you'd still be my best friend.

i was calling you as you got high, i was asking about my bangs whether i should keep them or not. you said i should cause its cute with my side bangs out and other side of my hair tucked behind my ear. it made me embarrassed honestly, i maybe even blushed a little even though i know you meant it in a friend way.

as much as i enjoy every moment i have with you, i do get jealous unfortunately. i know you have a specific type even though u say u don't, and its sad knowing that i look nothing like those girls. i wouldn't really be someone you have interest in and that's why i keep my feelings to myself and i plan on keeping them to myself for as long as i can. i love that we're close but its a constant reminder of what i can't have. you don't realize how far you are from me even though im close to you. i try hard to be selfless and hide my jealousy, your happiness is what matters most to me even if your happiest is without me.

sometimes i think about going on a car ride with you, Harvey by Her's is playing, we're not talking just listening. im looking at you as you look off into the distance while you drive. you turn your head and catch me looking at you, you laugh and i make an awkward face. nothing is said just laughter and a bit of awkwardness. its not a special scenario but i like the idea of making simple memories with you something special in my mind.

yesterday we were talking late at night, you hung up to take a shower and when you came back your wet hair made me laugh. you reminded me of those baby ducks in the dawn soap commercials when they're being washed. i told you and i think you thought i was making fun of you but i found it pretty cute.

i listen to you speak of your crushes, the small things you notice about them, the features you love, how you struggle to speak to them, how you truly want a connection. Even though all of it is not directed towards me, just listening to you talk about a person in such a loving and passionate way makes me like you so much more. I do feel sad that its not me, but seeing you happy and so passionate is more than i could ever ask for. im truly grateful to just get a peek inside ur brain that no one else does.

I've heard you talk about your deep thoughts, your fears, your crushes, the features you like, your family, your friends i don't know, i've seen your feet even though i hate feet, i've heard you sing like if u were alone in your room, i know your flaws, your habits you cant seem to break, the things you wouldn't want others to know about, and even after all of that you're still someone i want to love