A wondering of sorts

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A'IGHT IT’S TIME TO LEARN U A THING IN ONLY FIVE YES FIVE EASY STEPS YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER LET’S BEGIN SHALL WE FRIENDO???

Step one: Choosing the victim! You don’t really want to murder your next door neighbor because police investigate and question the neighbors and relatives also friends of the victim.

Buuut, also don’t murder a person three states over, because then the police can say “Y/N took a road trip on the day before the murder- and that trip was to an area near the crime!” Boom, suspects list+ prison.

Basically, don’t murder your neighbor, but also don’t murder someone that you need a road trip to get to.

Make sure it’s not

•a friend

•a family

•a datemate

because those are the people that people usually murder.

Step two: Precautions and Preparations Organized murders are always better.

Buuut always have a plan b

And c

Hopefully d and e.

Buy EVERYTHING at least a month in advance With cash. Things bought in card are tracked. And!!! Don’t buy everything at once. You don’t wanna be the guy who is at the checkout counter with rope, pliers, garbage bags, and kitchen knives. Just… Don’t.

Please.

Don’t forget the cleaning supplies! Hydrogen peroxide gets bloodstains out!

Step three: Method of killing So you already have

•a victim

•a plan

•supplies

Remember that you also don’t need to kill them at home! Homes have security systems quite a lot of the time.

But!!! Don’t make it a too public place! That’s gonna be important in step four.

Here’s some methods.

Strangulation: Use a thick pillow that belongs to the person, not you… Unless you burn it afterwards. That’s ok. Sometimes, your victim will fake a death. If they suddenly go limp, pinch them really hard and suddenly. If they flinch or tense up at all, keep applying pressure

Stabbing: Not recommended, as it’s a messy death that lets them scream unless you gag them. Again, hydrogen peroxide. Use an icicle! It melts afterwards, so there’s no murder weapon!

Injection: Poisoning is sooo last week. Simply get a hypodermic needle and fill the syringe with air. It mimics a heart attack but can’t be stopped by asprin, so you can even skip step four if you want. Actually, if you wanna poison, make sure you use a strong poison like ricin. You can coat a needle with it and subtly stab it into someone’s thigh or buttcheek. They’ll never suspect that that person who bumped into them in the crowd was their killer.

Heck, you could just hang them and frame it as suicide.

Step four: Body Disposal

Burying: Ok, ok, I admit that this one is a bit overused. But oh well, this is my fave one, so you get a tutorial.

Satellites look for holes or patches of turned dirt that are about six feet long because, well, it’s suspicious!

Drain and portion the body.

Draining: put the body’s head against the side of the tub so that is is raised. Get a plastic chair, like a lawn chair even, and put the body’s feet and shins on it.

Basically, you only want the lower back and butt to touch the floor of the tub. Make a couple slits in the butt and lower back, make sure they go deep. Two things to remember here.

•Blood. Is. Not. Nuclear. Waste. Chill. Please.

•dont feel bad friendo its a body it can’t feel any pain. K???

Ok so then proceed to mix the collected fluids with slaked lime but just a bit! and oxygen producing bleach. Then let it drain some more until you’re sure that there’s no more fluids in it, then sprinkle slaked lime and pour in the bleach.

Portioning is literally cutting it in bits. Nothing much to say except cut with a sharp knife at the joints.

Ok, so back to burial. There are a couple choices for location. You can bury it in the hole where a casket will be buried soon. Just dig maybe three feet deeper and cover the body with a nice thick layer of sand. When the casket is buried, so will your body. Extremely low chance that the body will be found. You could just bury it in a wooded or simply non inhabitated place by burying it with the rest of that slaked lime vertically 6-10 feet underneath a dead dog.

If body sniffing hounds dig up the dog (or other animal) the police will assume that it’s a false positive and go away, phew. If you’re like me and Very Extra™, you could even get a nice looking rock and carve into it something sickeningly sappy like “Rip Fluffy/Mr. Whiskerton/Rufus/(generic cat or dog name here). We love you!” Plus, it’s a cute little touch to take it that one step further.

But you could always mix it with some fish parts and go fishing. Chum the water a bit.

Only if fishing’s your thing tho. Idk you might catch a marlin or somethin.

AN IMPORTANT NOTE!!! THERE ARE SOME BODY PARTS THAT NEED TO BE DESTROYED!!!

Body part.

Good method of destroying

Why destroying is needed

Bellybutton.

Knife, sharp shovel, fire

Mix of debris and bacteria is unique

Ears

Knife, fire

Pattern of rings and swirls is like a fingerprint

Eyes

Toothpick (fun fact: eyes are mostly liquid on the inside, just pop it like a 🎈.) Fire, knife, fork

Retinal scans, my dear. Also digital face reconstruction.

Teeth

Hammer, pliers

You want to pulverize teeth and turn them into a powder that you scatter. Dental records.

Fingertips

Knife, fire

Fingerprints and debris.

Hair

Fire, scissors (both is good)

The same reason you don’t want any of your hair at the crime scene, my dear.

Also!!! If you have the time and the tools, it will help if you cut up the pelvis into many many pieces and bury it separately. Pelvis can ID gender.

Basically, you want this body unrecognizable.

By anyone.

I’m serious.

Dead serious.

Sorry. I had to make that pun.

Step five: Last regards and rules of thumb

Don’t get cocky. That’s how serial killers get caught.

Wear clothes and shoes that are too big, and stuff the shoes so it isn’t too obvious that they are a different size.

It also helps to sand down the soles so that they leave no unique prints.

Burn all clothes and shoes after the murder.

Wear a hoodie or other hat so you don’t leave hair at the scene and so the color can’t be id’d.

Use a spray on wash out dye in a natural color just in case.

Avoid the news and papers for at least three weeks after your crime, the police use those as tools to psyche you out and make you want to turn yourself in.

And remember… Until they find a body, it’s just another missing person.

TL;DR don’t kill friend

Clean up

Dry up and bury the body

Stay hidden

I don’t condone murdering. This is purely for reference while writing fictional stories. If anyone is concerned, these have been on blogs written by chemistry majors, forensic criminologists, and forensic chemists. Information is accurate, but please don’t test them out. ((If you do test them out please tell me how it goes))

Prevention of Suspicion -Wear shoes that are bigger than your normal size. -Make your stride longer and trod heavier. -If you’re a male, wear perfume. If you’re a female, wear cologne. -You could also wear heels if you’re a male. -Crossdressing -Heavy makeup/contour -Kill someone that you don’t know. Having relations with the victim makes you more of a suspect. Prevention of Evidence -Gloves will absorb oil from your fingers and start leaving fingerprints after about 15 minutes. Keep a supply of latex gloves on hand. -Paint your fingertips with clear nail polish.

Disposal of Evidence -After wiping for fingerprints, take the victim’s hands and wipe them around. Place them on cups and other everyday items. No fingerprints will look suspicious. -Wrap your knives in plastic before using them. This will allow for no evidence on the knife.

Killing/Torture Techniques -Instead of injecting poison through a syringe, fill the syringe with air and inject in between the toes. It will mimic a heart attack and look exactly like a heart attack so no one will suspect. -If you kill a man on an unregistered boat in international waters and then dump the body overboard they can’t trace it back to any one legal system and you can’t be prosecuted. -Bleach and urine (ammonia) mixed together make a fume that is toxic upon inhalation. -Plastic knives can be sharpened, stabbed into the body and then twisted to shatter the knife. This is effective in causing immense amounts of pain. -When killing by stabbing, make sure you remove the knife. It will allow the victim to bleed to death. -Three crushed cherry pits in their food or drink will be equivalent to a lethal dose of arsenic for two adult men. - Stab below the neck near the spinal bone, it will break the bone and permanently paralyze them while minimizing blood loss. -Piano wire works well with slitting throats and then you can just place it back inside your piano!!

Disposal of Body -Satellites look for holes 6-10 feet wide, so bury the body vertically. -Bury body 6-10 feet under a dead dog. Police dogs will find the dog and the police will take it as a false alarm. -Mixing body fluids with bleach and letting them soak will rid the blood and whatnot of the death smell. -Dispose of body in a septic tank. The acidic properties and equipment will take care of the body for you. -If you have the means to dispose of the body over, time, one could cut the body up into small pieces (head, feet, hands, limbs at the joints, separate the ribs and hips, etc) and from there the body could be disposed across the land, miles apart. Fresh graves would be another alternative. -Grind the pieces into fish chum, mix them with actual fish chum, and let the fishies take care of it! As an added bonus, you might catch something! - Literally just bury the body in a cemetery. Preferably a fresh grave but y’know whatever’s available!

I really dislike how the common room is described in the books/movies and I was inspired by art I recently saw (@) so I thought I would redesign it how I would like it, feel free to add anything.

Floor to ceiling church style windows that show you the lake and all its creatures

None of that weird green light crap, we have those cool wire ikea lights that mimic moonlight

Chalkboard walls in the bedrooms, cause wow

High backed rocking chairs with black leather

Succulents everywhere

Really big phonograph in the common room that plays every genre of music

Super extra bed covers

Ceiling height marble bed posts

Really deep sinks with jewels in the bottom

Iron wrought privacy panels

Chaise lounges

Marble fireplace

Dark ebony table with snakes for legs

Tall mirrors

Roman baths in the dormitories