The Wizard of Mold

Wizard protip: If your magic wand runs out of charges before you defeat the monster you're fighting, throwing the depleted wand at the monster is very rarely helpful.

Look, I want to try to respect the customs of all the monsters in my dungeon, but yeah, I'm going to be a little dubious when they ask if they can have the day off for their traditional Fool-Your-Boss Day.

Urgh don't you hate it when you drink too much retrotemporal brew and pass out and wake up the previous Thursday...

I got 99 curses but this amulet ain't one.

Just found out the ogres in my dungeon are hosting a Miyazaki movie marathon and they didn't invite me. :(

Yeah, in most ways these griffins are pretty good guardians for my wizard tower, but goddamn do they hate being given baths.

Getting a lot of comments on how "cute" and "adorable' the eldritch flesh-render on the fourth level of my dungeon is, and, you know, not that I don't appreciate the compliments, but that's really not what I was going for...

Okay, your cover of "Heartbreak Hotel" wasn't bad, but the ad said I was looking for dark elves.

Doesn't matter if the welcome mat is really the feeding appendage of a ravenous otherplanar monster; it's still polite to wipe your feet before entering my wizard tower.