May I have this Trance?

Firstly I didn't realise that I had these feelings for her, and that I was holding onto something that was never going to happen.

When she broke things off it was because she couldn't commit, because she needed time to move on from her last relationship. So I gave her space, even when I moved here (looking back, that's when I should have pushed things). When she did move on, it was to other people. That hurt. A lot. I know it was unintentional, but it's hard not to think that I was just a rebound for her.

I've only ever opened myself up like that to her to 3 people in my entire life. And that was the first time in over 4 years. I've never been that confident in my physical appearance, but that's ok, I accepted that a long time ago. But I always thought I had the personality to win me a great girl. So to be rejected again, after opening myself up...thats a devastating blow.

A terror of thoughts loom watchfully, then suddenly approach

From the darkest depths of a mind not mapped

From the slithering cracks in corners far away

And echoes birthed from a time long forgotten

All summoned by the poison, now flowing within

Moving rapidly, like rivers to sea

Luminosity 2016!

To say that I had the time of my life is an understatement!

The music, the vibes, the people must of all made it a weekend I’ll never forget. From the time we approached the entrance on Friday morning, to the time we left the after party Monday sunrise!

The thing that made it most memorable was the people. I met so many amazing humans over the 3 days. Trance peeps truly do have a special connection amongst each other!

I’ve realised that I haven’t been posting much here these days, and it’s mainly because I have no content to share.

So I though I might do something a little different and just post random facts about myslef.

Movies

I love watching movies, and I love immersing myself in them. So much so that I cannot miss a second!

If I need to get up to whiz or go for a quick trip to the kitchen for snacks, I have to pause the movie.

If someone talks over some dialogue, I need to rewind that shit.

I’ve lost it all. Motivation - for anything really. I don’t care about my appearance, my health, being social (fuck people), politics and even just laughing.

Life has worn me down, but from what? That’s the part that eats at me. I’ve had no traumatic life experiences, lost no close family members, have close friends, a good job and a home. I have no good reason to be feeling like this. But in a sense it’s almost like that may be the problem - that I haven’t experienced life. I never joined that game.

And I am a fucking idiot. I’m waiting, doing nothing, thinking that it will change, that it’s just a lull. But I know as well as anyone that only I can get myself out of this deep hole I’m in.

“What did you mean by that?”

“You know exactly what I mean, stop pretending like…”

Stop pretending - that struck a cord with me. I didn’t reply, even though I genuinely didn’t know what she meant. Because I couldn’t say that I wasn’t pretending. I cant remember the last time that I was truly myself around someone. Always pretending to smile. Pretending to be happy. Pretending that I didn’t wish I wasn’t on my own, or somewhere else. Pretending that everything is ok.

Dark shadows loom upon me They cover me in a sphere As my world turns into darkness I shall never be leaving here