#lost myself

Depression, Angst und Panik haben mich Stück für Stück zerbrochen.

Nach außen war ich immer noch da… aber innerlich bin ich schon lange verschwunden.

Es tut mir leid.

(TW mentions topic of abuse)

My altar has been hoarded away in a box for about two years. I have been on a broken path for a while and I strayed away from my practice. It had always been something I loved and held close to my heart. My veil was something I wore with pride everyday and crystals decorated me head to toe. It was all I had to turn to while in college and battling an abusive relationship with the woman I was supposed to move in with once I graduated.

My practice soon became something she held over my head. My veiling became something she could use to control me. If I left the house without veiling I wouldn’t hear the end of it. When the verbal abuse became physical I was scared, lost, and alone. I became closer to my practice and would use it as an escape.

Two weeks before I graduated college she broke up with me. I was finally free. Two years of control and abuse. Two years of her grabbing my face like a dog when she didn’t like what I said. Two years of her telling me if I ever left her she would kill me. Two years I spent drenched in fear. I was devastated at first because of all the work I had put into moving my stuff into an apartment with her and she refuse to give me anything back. However it also felt like this physical weight had been lifted off my soul.

I felt amazing but there was something I couldn’t shake. The memories, the trauma, the fear all seeping into my life after she left. So much so that I couldn’t bear to veil after listening to her voice in my head saying my hair was for her only. Even though my reasons for veiling were completely based in my devotion to my practice. She stained something that was beautiful and meant so much to me. It soon bleed into the other parts of my practice, and day by day I walked away from my practice all together.

I moved back to my hometown and found love with a close friend who has always been there for me. He has helped put me back together after the years of her tearing me down. He is someone I am most grateful for and could never imagine spending my life without.

Over two years later I am finding that I can clean the stains she left behind and get back to who I really am. She almost made me forget.

Over the last few months I have slowly found my way back to life. Veiling when I can and doing some small spells here and there. I also started reworking my Grimoire to fit my practice as I have grown. My old one was has been around since I started, some things needed cleaning.

Today I unpacked the box that carefully held the piece of my sacred space. I will spend the next few days cleaning and rearranging my room to make room for what should have never been forgotten.