modest pigeon

I dream of you often

Not really caring for any context

I see your smile and can taste your skin

I see you standing in your kitchen.

I touched your body last night in my daze,

Took in your curls with a craze

Saw my instability in a haze

You were never a phase.

Does your laugh and kind eye stay in my heart

your beard and energy follow me and never part.

I keep the ring your mother gave you,

I think about your low water heater,

The kitten we saved, that ended up being a violent eater.

I do not remorse my life. however

But I meant it when I said I'd think of you forever.

Imam.

I left, because there was no place to stay

I left, because I lived like a stray

When you file a request to it With all the exemptions of how tired it has become pleasing you and ensuring you will not abandon it because it is more tired of abandonment than of the work to keep you

Do you see my heart, love how it beats for our futures, do you see my love, my heart, that bathes you with all of me, while I work so hard to protect you, from the cracks, holes, and acid that consume it Fearful that any nail from the crucifix of my pain, by any chance, scathe you Tearful, I watch While giving you every inch of me

and save you from all of me All of the pain, all of my insane.

I hide my problems in corners, So that you may think that I can be yours To make sure you do not feel heavy there are no options to burden you with my weights So I carry them all.

Do you see my heart? Do you see my tired eyes? My loosened arms, thighs, and cheeks I am afraid of your sight. Sometimes, I hope you go blind. From my fears. Sometimes I hope you go, So I feel the pain that I grew used to. Sometimes, I don't know what this little thing is Or big thing, That we have been feeding ourselves with

Every other day, my darling, I give you everything I have, everything but the bad. And somehow, you think it acceptable to serve me All of your bad so that I can store it somewhere for you I cannot blame you; I'm skilled. But only because I was broken. And you have not broken.

But I have no place to put your dark cloak.

My life is convenient for you, as you've never had to live it. You see problems through fogged windows. This is partly why I love you, my doll. But, sometimes, I wonder if you know you're a man.

My memory tainted,

My emotion maintained the shiver,

The trickle of perspiration down my back at contact

Lips quivered,

Eyes touching bodies, Free adolescent running down streets, under no contract.

A sensation never to turn foggy,

No matter how the future is painted.

Liberation of falling mindlessly in love,

In my inevitable middle age and ancient one- which inevitably will come,

My soul will experience the ecstacy of your existence.

I feel you still, in a house of balloons, instead of having you i chose penance.

I hear you in the sonnets of Shakespeare.

Quarterly, I ask him for safety His eyes stare ever so blankly Consistently greeting me with a maybe.

I ask myself, am I the question in his eyes? Or is the question in mine? How big of a hill is this to climb? Does our future hold our tribe? Or is this time wasted that no one can describe?

How heavy is our love? How empty? If it is vacant love, does it still make it love? My heart has never been trained to recognize any of the above. Usually, I understand a hard shove. Reality is a pink dove. What am I to become?

Dirty thirty. In pain and desperately flirty.

Why do I feel the answer to my questions is in his lap, 

Where I wait to be summoned like a cat

pretend to be pure, 

 Maybe then,

 I'll be cured 

 Void from the life I learned 

 The manifest stress lifted out of this life mess, 

 looking for a face to caress 

 Architect a nest. 

 All to become a damsel in distress. 

 Maybe I will rejoice in this mess of belittlement and torment 

 I thrive on hunger and volatile gourmet 

 I will wear a white dress 

 Dream of a life of stress 

 Free yourself of freedom and loneliness 

 For a hand to mess with your nessness and neatness. 

 Just to hear the beating of a heart next to yours, 

 To avoid void winters in your pours, 

 To spill alcohol for a specific reason, 

 Rather than none, 

Where should you be, 

if not with me,

in a cafe, sipping caffeine, 

in a park, next to a tree, 

where should you be, 

if not with me? 

Come to me, 

I’ll be a dream, 

Make life better than it seems, 

Make you scream, 

In a room full of steam. 

Where are you, 

when not with I, 

I stay blue, 

There is no reason why

I need not one, 

Let it fall gently down a strangers skin,

May your kiss be as warm as the sun, 

Let it caress surfaces with its gentle heat

Be calm, 

Like a serene field of dandelions, 

As they shyly float amongst tall green grass, 

Be a mystery, like the depths of forests,

Like the darks of seas

Live, 

Live passionately and yell like thunder, 

Act like lightning, 

Rage like the ocean in a storm, and rise in triumph like a wave 

Rise high above dark waters over depths of danger. 

I sit. 

I look forward to nothing other than buying a new plant for my home, a home I live in alone. 

In this home, I sit. 

Eagerly awaiting days where I can blind myself with beverages the devil provided humanity with, strangled between self and moral. In need of restrictions, a parent, a higher mystical power to tell me, no. Be present. 

Woman,  a curved body, breasts fully developed to nurture. I see no love in potential fertilizers. The time has come to combine genes has it not? 

Not. They’ll suck you dry. 

I dream of cleaning my apartment, making some food and rolling a blunt so clean I fall asleep while smoking it. 

I’m about there right now. Mature. 

I dream of peace within, void and loneliness. 

There is no sadder moment when you’ve made dinner, and sit to eat alone. 

I dislike eating alone. I dislike eating when I am alone. 

Yet that is all I allow myself to be. 

Strangling myself with myself. 

I fantasize warmer days, where I go bathe in waters of salt. 

I swim far, and I descend my head under the water. Listening to the blissful Adriatic’s pulse. Stay under until I feel the weakening of my lungs and the pressure of my body, begging me to gasp for the toxic air above. Sometimes, when underwater, I look above to the sky, how it blurs. 

Sometimes I dream of wrapping my legs around a stranger and loving him fiercely, passionately. I live, but I have not lived. 

Strangled.

I’ve squeezed my emotion out time ago. 

The nothing that took my innocence, killed my passion. 

I ponder and gently, to myself say,

Wake up, baby girl, wake up. 

A mother to myself, I sent myself to sleep. 

Beautiful little boy, love like no other. 

I watch in pain as you stray from paved roads

Paved by your father, sisters, and mother, 

I watch as you ignore potential, and drown in nothing

I die when you roll around in deception. 

Most mournful when, you, care for your family, not. 

You possess all the love on the planet,

 and you shake it off like snot. 

Be well, my baby brother. 

Beautiful boy of ours. 

Succeed and thrive for happiness, 

Dosed with love and pain, 

Not touch me in vain, 

I want him to say my name, 

Kiss me in the rain, 

Walk me down a lane. 

Make me go insane. 

I want him to scream my name. 

I want him to feel pain. 

Have you recovered yourself from the shame of me? Have you come to terms with existing deliberately? Innocent eyes, I saw you peek back and smile. I saw you smile shortly and scream in horror.

So painfully and blissfully alone, 

Blurred out person

Alone, and yet want to run away 

from the same loneliness that constructed my person

Needed and unneeded. 

Escape. 

Run. 

Pain. 

I'm so alone, and I want to be. 

In a grave somewhere, with my hands crossed over my chest. 

Where I look up from my coffin and see no one but branches. 

Swaying in the wind on a soft autumn day. 

The air is chilly and warm simultaneously. 

A beautiful paradoxical day

Summer, winter, spring, and autumn, be at my funeral at once. 

spit on me with your rains, make my eyes tear from the pollen, 

Make me feel heat. 

warmth. 

Cool me off to freeze then. 

Make me feel alive before I die. 

Caress me with frost,

let it resemble diamonds on my eyelashes. 

Let snow pile on my chest and bury me. 

Let the melting icicles when spring comes, 

Fall off the branches, 

and stick their sharp edges in my neck. 

Forgotten sun of my life. 

Freedom. 

Where are you? 

I’d take you to my other home.  

I’ve had many, understand my confusion in belonging. 

I may belong to you. 

I may be able to love you. 

I may be able to feel love for you while you sit on the hood of a car. 

With the sunset going below the Golden Gate bridge. 

But then again, I may only end up belonging to myself. 

I may look at you while I smoke a cigarette 

Become numb of the sensation while I see you smile or stare simply. 

Freedom to love you there at the gates of San Francisco. 

I may budren you with the meaning of life.

 Are you the answer to my confusion? 

Or is your purpose to confuse me more? 

Freedom, what is freedom when you have no options?

What is freedom without the confusion of choice? 

What is a choice without feeling?

Confusion. 

I am not uneasy and undecided when I picture you, but I do not know you. 

I see me taking you somewhere far where we are connected to nothing but one another. 

Trapping the both of us in our freedom I suppose. 

Then I want to leave you be, disappear while we bloom. 

Before heartbreak and boredome. 

Even in my daydreams, I remain unchained. 

Paradox. 

Cashmere

Your smile is compelling, teasing. 

Your eyes watch me at times. I can feel their warmth. 

I can feel the restriction and yearning. 

Your fear. 

I am curious. 

What would it be like to have you?

I do not want to show you to the world, or claim you as my own. 

Be my secret, the most intimate of what you don’t know. 

Be in my head. Consume my mind in secret. 

My hands imagine themselves touching you.

My lips want you to be still. 

Tremble. 

I’ve caressed your curve and called your bluff in my fantasies. 

I have been in your mind.  

What do you represent in this life? 

Curiousity. 

 Still, with sin. 

Boundaries eliminated. 

Adrenaline stimulated. 

In my thoughts I take you away.

Devine fantasy, 

Luxury of Daydreams. 

I stay silent. 

I watch you and take your hand. 

I lead you to me. 

My fingertips caress your jaw when we reach a hide-out.

I press your body gently against a surface. 

I do not kiss you... I simply watch you while I touch your body. 

I stay close so you can feel the warmth of my breath upon you. 

I stay close so you know you are desired. 

I then leave you with that. 

Love. 

Fear.