ETHOS PATHOS LOGOS

So younger me was absolutely hilarious, but I’m not shocked. Reading my posts have entertained me but also made me cringe. Like absolutely writhing in embarrassment but fuck it I was a lover girl and wrote about literally everything on this blog at some point lol.

BUT THEN I READ AND REALIZED I DROPPED OUT OF THE FACE OF THE PLANET WHEN I TOLD THIS MAN I WAS INFATUATED WITH HIM. THOSE WERE MY EXACT WORDS. IN MY FIFTEENTH YEAR OF LIFE.

I still have this tendency of being like okay I’ve seen enough time to pack it up and run away.

I had a vibe I embarassed myself and ran tf away. I couldn’t just remember what I did. I vaguely remember that whenever I’d tell someone I shot my shot with some guy I believed was out of my league at the time, I’d remember him. But my mind really does protect me from remembering things that would embarrass tf out of me.

I to some extent feel the same way I did when I was younger. Why would he be interested in me? I’m not x, y or z. I’ve sat with that for a while. I was absolutely nervous speaking with him and still struggled to look at him. I kept thinking what if he doesn’t find me attractive when we see each other. I could also sense myself being very guarded because I honestly didn’t want to put too much stock into something when I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I think what has me unsettled is that, I went, I saw him and it took me out of the peaceful phase I was just in where I didn’t give anyone attention anymore. I’ve been so discouraged from my past experiences that I just kept to myself. Then he is still figuring out his life. I’m doing the same but clearly I am up hyperanalyzing why this high school crush is making me feel all kinds of unsettled. I’ve since learned I’m in limerence and I have to give people the space to prove themselves. I’m in a place where I want to absolutely give up. It’s taken a lot for me not to write a long text and be like hey nice knowing you I can’t do this I’m protective of my peace and associate closeness with pain these days lol. My friend has since talked me off the ledge. He’s told me that if he wasn’t open entirely then I need to give him time to do that and that I can’t give all of myself at once.

Once I leave the room you’ll unpause the TV like I interrupted you with my sobs

Imagine that

That couldn’t be me

It’s this type of behavior that makes hearts grow colder

I don’t want to be generous

I don’t want to be as open

I’m just here to rant that essentially I risked my life to see someone and when I got there they made jokes about how if I had something happen to me they’d be none the wiser as I basically was near an active shooter situation where the fugitive ran away

I came to see them with a birthday cheesecake and I felt so bad afterwards because not only did they not make sure that I made it home okay they felt like essentially made me feel like they were assessing if I was a good fit for THEM rather than US making that determination for each other

They also had the nerve to ask me to pretend to be platonic in front of their family and friends at an event

If they could not claim me then it’s not my place to be there