pound cake.

it finally happened. i didn’t expect the talk to go the way it did. i stopped expecting the talk altogether really. but now it’s all out there. even the thing i still don’t know how to talk about or want to talk about is out there. i feel both quiet and loud. i don’t really know how i feel right now. i should be writing monos right now. i should let one of the them knocking at my door hold me right now. but all i want to do is cry in his arms, something i should have done months ago but didn’t get the chance to do. now, i am numb. i don’t know how to cry anymore and that terrifies me. it scares me even more that i still care about him, after everything.  i hate myself.

We’ve been fighting so much lately. I know it’s me. I’ve been even more cold, distant, and closed up since Doug’s passing. I know he’s been trying. All he wants to do is genuinely care about me and get me to open up, get help, and talk, but I can’t seem to give a shit. It’s not like I didn’t tell him what an awful mess I am. It’s not like he doesn’t know how incredibly lost I am. He knows I’m not ready for anything real.  “You have got to stop treating me like I’m him, like every man is out here to hurt you. It’s destructive. I’m not that dumb piece of shit, I’m not your dad either.” He finally broke and told me this in his drunken rant after his premier party. It wasn’t suppose to turn out like that. It was suppose to be a celebratory moment. We were suppose to fuck till we pass out before he left for New York. Instead, we fought, I cried, I told him, “I don’t know what needs to happen for me to not feel this way anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again.” We didn’t resolve the fight. He just held me until I stopped crying and wanted to go to bed. A few days of silence later, he texted me an apology and asked for forgiveness for something that he has no fault in. I feel fucking awful. I wish I wasn’t so jaded. I wish I wasn’t so fucking destructive, especially in a time when I need love the most. 

I’ve been having a fist fight with my depression. I am getting my ass whopped. I am tired. I am tired of taking L’s.

thought i was just going to grab a juice and guava pie at my favorite guava pie place before my last meeting yesterday. instead, i also caught a glimpse of satan and had an anxiety attack and almost threw up. lol.