m. murray

" ... i understood at last. i shall be glad as long as i live. "

i like the idea of rey's parents really being no one. i like the idea of her being no one. just some scrappy kid that has spent her life trying to survive on a planet that is a wasteland.

i like the idea that her life mirrors anakin's. growing up as a slave, as a scavenger, at the wills of other people, tossed around and and thrown aside. most notably, disregarded as nothing when they have so much to offer the world.

i like the idea of ben solo being older than her, old enough to be the one to kill her parents for whatever dumb reason he did.

i like the idea of him not remembering it. just throwing it on the pile of things he has done to protect the emerging first order.

i like the idea of his first notion of rey even existing being that there's this dumb kid interfering with important first order information. i like how he thinks she'll be easy to dispose of.

i like the idea of rey by 'happenstance' becoming whisked up in a rebel pilot and ex-storm troupers plan to fuck up the first order as much as possible.

i like the idea of rey, having no idea about any of the politics involved in any of this (because jakku doesn't have a good school system, if anything, as the last battleground for imperial rule, it's full of imperial sympathizers), suddenly carrying around vital information that would help the first order kill the last remaining jedi and decides 'ya know what? fuck the first order. i'm gonna help the rebels cause they're the underdogs' when there is nothing in it for her.

i like the idea of her and ben meeting and he just, once again, underestimates her and she gets! into! his head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i like the idea of him seeing something in her. not himself. rather, the self he wishes he could be. all that potential wrapped up in another human being. he had to work so hard to become want he is, to wield the power he wields (and yet it is still never enough). and she just was born with that (cough cough anakin parallels cough cough)

i like the idea of him offering her his hand. to become his 'padawan', to forsake the rebels and become a part of something bigger than herself. to, in the same way snoke has manipulated and wielded his power, do the same to her.

i like the idea of rey flat out to refusing him and then making it her life's missions to end his reign of terror.

i like the idea of that rejection stinging, and festering. and the force bond (the dyad, if you will) forming out of their mutual power but also mutual annoyance. of rey seeing something in him, in the way luke saw something in vader. i like her optimism (this thing which parallels anakin's pessimism and ben's paranoia) pulling her to try and change him into something better, even though she can't.

i like the idea of him not changing. only becoming more bitter. seeing her potential as wasted, her aid to the rebels infuriating. i like the idea of him killing snoke, the one who has breathed so much hatred into his head, and taking his throne. i like of him deciding he's done playing games and instead, he commands his army to slaughter thousands.

but somehow, the rebels still persist. somehow, they thwart his plans every time.

i like the story following in the footsteps of the alleged ninth film that was leaked. i like the idea of him traveling to some ancient sith master, learning to not just work with the force, but to literally leech it from the world around him and becoming irredeemable.

i like rey doing everything in her power to end him.

ㅤㅤ" ━You, " I could hear the deep hiss of my own indrawn breath, and the suffocating silence of the room.ㅤ" ━What have you done to me? "

the bite did not hurt as i imagined it would. they make it look so grotesque in the cinema. fang ripping into flesh, tearing and destroying without thought. this was none of those things. rather a sharp, searing pain met with the cold of his mouth. both beautiful and terrifying, my body tensed, attempting to recoil in upon itself despite my best efforts to keep it still. in that haze of frenzy, my mind wandered. had i offered myself up to @nosferot to quench his thirst? had his words of venom turned to honey and beckoned me in from the cold? i could not remember the moment before this. i could scarcely remember to breath. as his fingers, long and sharp, dug into my shoulder, my own hands found their way in his shirt to hold myself upright, bracing for the darkness that would inevitably come.

the two walk down the florescent - lit hallway, victor's arms heavy with a stack of books: great expectations , by the looks of it. mina's footsteps fall in sync with the timing of her pulse ( a habit she's acutely aware of but has never tried to fix ). " it is impossible and therefore untrue, since there is no way alice ripley's mum is ever going to sign the overnight forms, not if i'm the one handing them to her ... "