Paneradventure

Me: Hi! The chaplain called and asked if I would bring communion? Is that right?

D: Yes, that’s right… he would like it.

M: Great! You must be his friend the chaplain told me about?

D: Sort of… maybe you should know we’re not just friends or roommates if you catch me.

M: Oh, ok. That’s great.

D: Does knowing that mean you won’t give communion now?

M: Oh my goodness no. Not in the slightest.

D: Oh, because sometimes it does.

M: Not at all. Communion is available to anyone who wants to receive it. There’s no reason for me to withhold it.

D: Well, you’d be surprised what we’ve heard.

M: I’m disappointed that’s what you’ve heard… especially because it’s just not true.

D: I knew that we should call a Methodist to do this.

M: I’m glad you called this Methodist pastor… it’s an honor to pray with you and bring this to you.

D: Do you say that to everyone?

M: Actually… kind of. It really is an honor to be invited to bring this means of grace to people, especially when you’re in unfamiliar places… and maybe have heard less than welcoming words.

D: Well, if this was a test, you passed.

M: Would you also like to receive communion?

D: I’m not quite ready yet… but maybe if you come back?

M: I’ll see you next week.

W: My daughter is looking for a church but she only wants to go to one that welcomes everyone.

K: we do!

W: everyone?

K: Yes— we have rainbows all over the place!

W: (skeptical) ok…. (Takes brochure)

Me: Hi, I’m the pastor if you have any questions.

T: Name, date of birth?

Me: (gives info)

T: (pulls up my chart including picture) Oh, look! It’s baby you!

Me: Ha, oh yeah… it might be from awhile ago

T: Yeah, like in your 20’s maybe?

Me: Oh, maybe?

T: Yeah, awhile ago… baby you!

Me: … how old do I look now?

T: …

Me: …

T: Well, let’s get that blood drawn!

😭😭😭

D: Checking in?

Me: Oh, I have the room number…

W: Great, I’ll check here…

(Gathers info which I already had…)

W: And you’re family?

Me: I’m clergy.

D: I can take you to the room.

(While walking…)

D: You know, clergy don’t have to check in… they usually just go to where they need to go

Me: Oh, yes… well, I was heading there but then you stopped me at the desk

D: Oh… yeah. I guess I didn’t think you looked like… a priest.

Me: Yeah, that’s fair. I hear that a lot.

D: Oh, uh…

Me: Thanks for showing me the way

D: You probably knew how to get here, though right… and I assumed you needed help?

Me: That’s also ok…

D: Well, the room is right there uh, Clergy Priest, uh… person.

Me: Pastor is fine… and thanks for your help!

C: Just fill in your organization name here and your name & title in the organization.

M: (does that… putting down pastor.)

C: Oh, it doesn’t have to be the pastor who fills this out, you can put down whatever your title is.

M: Oh, that is my title…

C: Seriously, it can be anyone…

M: Right, but I’m the pastor….

C: Like the real one? Or like the pastor’s secretary?

M: Definitely the real one.

C: Wow, I’ve just never really seen a pastor that looks like you before…

M: Ah, yes… I usually tell people, “what part of me doesn’t scream clergy?”

C: Oh… do you want an answer?

M: umm… no, I’m pretty sure I know the answer.

C: oh, ok… so, like the pastor-pastor? Like preaching and teaching the Bible and stuff?

M: Yep… and other things too like visiting and praying and ordering the life of the church…

C: Oh…. And are people ok with you doing all of that?

M: I mean honestly, I know that there are some who aren’t, but I’m a part of a tradition that recognizes a diversity of people in leadership, including women… even if we don’t always get it right.

C: huh. Interesting. My pastor told me that because I’m a woman, I can’t teach the boys in Sunday school anymore. So, I haven’t been going to church as much anymore.

M: I’m sorry to hear that… I know that is some church’s beliefs, but it’s not mine.

C: I didn’t know there were other options. I guess I have some researching to do now.

M: If you’d like help or have any questions, I’d be happy to do what I can.

C: Thanks. When I print out your application, I’m going to put “real pastor” as your title.

M: Thanks… I appreciate that.

C: Sure! Thanks for being patient with me and giving me something to think about. Who knew when I came into work today, I’d think about something so deep?!?

M: Who knew indeed?

C: I guess a real pastor would say that, wouldn’t they? Because you’d know that it was probably God, right?

M: Probably… I’m glad that we were both open to it today,.

R: Oh, I love your hair! The colors are pretty!

Me: Oh, thank you.

R: My boss would never let me get away with that… do you mind me asking what you do?

G: You can’t just ask a call girl what she does!

R: Grandma!!! Just because someone has colored hair does NOT make them a call girl! I’m so sorry…

Me: Oh, that’s ok… it’s happened before.

R: …

G:…

Me: Pastor. I’m a pastor.

R: Oh wow! What kind?

G: Obviously not a very good one if she’s been mistaken for a call girl multiple times.

R: Grandma!

M: A United Methodist Pastor…

G: Well, do you preach the Bible?

M: I do

G: The parts where Jesus loves everyone no matter what?

M: Those are some of my favorite parts

G: Do you tell people they’re blessed and beloved?

M: Every chance I get.

G: You’re better than you look…

R: Grandma, seriously!

G: Do you do funerals?

M: I do…

G: Would you do my funeral?

R: Oh my gosh, I give up with you…

M: Well, don’t you have a pastor from your that you’d like to do your funeral?

G: I do… but I think more people will show up when they find out Pastor Call Girl here is going to be there. More people than for my sister’s at least… and that’s all the matters.

R: Oh Grandma…

M: Tell you what… here’s my card. I’m sure we can work something out… or I’d be happy to visit with you anytime.

G: I can’t wait to see the look on Fancy Nancy’s face at Bible study when I tell her.

M: As long as you also tell her she’s blessed and beloved?

G: Phew… this place takes it out of you.

Me: yeah, I’m sure…

G: you here visiting someone?

M: I just finished visiting someone from my church.

G: Oh you must be one of those visitation specialists then?

M: Well, I’m the pastor… sometimes I guess I’m a visitation specialist.

G: **You’re** the pastor?? Well, I’ll be damned.

M: I mean… you’re probably not…

G: Oh… ha. Good one. Well, you must be used to this place taking it out of you.

M: I don’t think you ever really get used to it.

G: That is the truth. Hey, since you’re a pastor… Uh, what do you think happens when we die?

M: Oh that’s a big question for a short elevator ride… I think that there’s nothing that can separate from God’s love and we remain in that love for eternity.

G: That would be why you said I’m not damned then?

M: Ha… yeah, that would be part of it. I think that God’s love is so big and unconditional and grace holds us together before we even reach the end of our rope.

G: Thank you for that. That actually gives me some of me back. I won’t need to take as long of a nap to recover from this place. I’ll trust that God’s grace will hold me.

M: That gets me through most days.

G: Well, Pastor… I’m glad I ran into you today. I needed some grace.

M: Me too… me too.

M: So, I just add salt and pepper and that’s it.

W: Ah, so that’s why it’s so bland.

M: What?

W: Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but your cooking isn’t flavorful. You need to know that.

M: Oh… uh… thank you?

W: Was that too harsh?

M: Yeah, a little.

W: Oh… sorry… confession is good for the soul?

M: For whose soul?

W: Everyone? Look, that lady next us reading a church book, she’ll know… (to me)— hey is confession good for the soul?

M: You can’t just ask people things like that.

Me: Oh, it’s ok… I mean… I’d probably ask some follow up questions before I say yes or no, but usually yes…

W: See. I told you.

M: What are her credentials besides reading a church book?

Me: Oh, well, I am a pastor…

W: See, she’s a church book reading pastor who knows about confession.

M: But does she now about spices?

Me: I mean… a little. But it sounds like you’re not really talking about confession, but more about speaking truth

W: Yeah! I’m just speaking the truth!

Me: and I think it’s important to speak the truth in love… I mean you don’t need to be harsh… If you love someone you don’t want to hurt them with the truth.

W: Ok, I don’t need you preaching to me.

M: That’s literally her job. And that’s literally what you were asking her to do.

W: I was asking her to preach to you… not to me.

M: Well, maybe that’ll make you think twice before interrupting people reading their church books to mock me and my lack of seasoning.

Me: I don’t mind the interruptions…This certainly added some spice to my day…

W: You still could teach him a thing or two about that still… it’s probably your job to have more love than me about that.

M: I’d actually love to stop talking about this and let her get back to her life and not bombard her with ours…

W: Are you wearing that shirt ironically or....

Me: Oh, not ironically... I'm actually a pastor

W: So, you're not one of those who are like smashing the Barbie Dream House with Bibles or something?

Me: Yeah, that's for sure not me.

W: I usually meet more of that kind than whatever kind you are...

Me: That must be uncomfortable and disappointing....

W: Those are good words. I grew up going to church and I was the golden church girl... But you know you make one big mistake to them and you're out. My mistake was my daughter... And I wouldn't trade her for any single one of them.

Me: Goodness, I'm so sorry that was your experience... And I'm glad your daughter has a mom who loves her fiercely enough to make sure she knows she's loved. I'm sorry the church is missing out on loving both of you...

W: Oh! Well... Thanks. I didn't know I needed to hear that. Really I didn't. It feels kind of healing.

Me: Well, I'm glad... I know it doesn't erase the pain from what you've experienced, but hopefully it's helpful.

W: I've never been mad at God... God has never let me down... But the church has... I'm glad to know there are Pastor Barbies like you out there.

Me: Well, thanks... I'm glad there are moms out there like you loving your kiddos.

W: Thanks... And thanks for not smashing the Barbie Dream House with Bibles... I kind of think you're probably out there building up dream houses for people and that's kind of amazing. Hopefully I'll want to go to one of those dream house churches someday.

💖💖💖💖

Me: (looking at the menu online)

S: You deciding what you want now?

M: No, I’m just looking to see if they have something…

S: That you’re going to order?

M: I don’t know… but I need to know if they have it.

S: What is it?

M: Italian Nachos.

S: and they have them?

M: yes they do!

S: so you’re going to get them?

M: I don’t know. I just wanted to know if I could get them so I wouldn’t be disappointed if they didn’t and I wanted them

S: so, now you’re excited for them?

M: No, not yet. I don’t know if I want them

S: But…

M: I just wanted to know if I could want them. Now that I know I can, I’ll decide if I’m excited.

S: So, if they didn’t, you’d be disappointed in the car?

M: No, because I’m not excited for them.

S: …

M: I needed to know if I could get excited before I’d be disappointed.

S: I gotcha

M: do you?

S: I do

D: How are you feeling?

Me: Much better! I can breathe and no other symptoms... other than my energy levels are just not where I want them to be.

D: Well, that sounds great!

M: Yes! And... Like how long will that take for my energy?

D: Well... That's hard to say... But in a week or two, you should be feeling really good.

M: Ok, great!

D: But for full healing, it'll be 2-3 months...

M: Oh, that's less than great... Also, I don't have time for that.

D: I like that spunk, but... You should probably make sure that you're thinking about the long term and making sure that you take care of yourself.

M: And there's nothing I can do to like speed that up?

D: Jesus may have raised from the dead, but you're not Jesus. You'll heal in good time and be back to full strength!

(Preparing for a funeral with a retired clergy)

L: Are you planning weating a robe or just your regular clothes?

M: For funerals, I robe and stole.

L: Great! Then I will too! What color stole?

M: Well… for funerals I have either a pink or rainbow.

L: …

M: 😬😬

L: Uh… so… white or purple?

M: White works great. I’ll wear my pink sparkle one.

L: I think this is first time I’ve ever been given stole options of pink or rainbow!

W: Oh, you’re the pastor of Faith United Methodist Church?

Me: I am!

W: I know people who go there and they love it!

M: It’s a great place!

W: I think my neighbor’s kids go there for the camp that you have?

M: Oh, our day camp!

W: Yes! We live by your church there and they tell us all the time, ”That’s my church!”

M: That’s so great!

W: Is it ok that they do that? I mean I don’t think they go regularly on Sundays…

M: Oh absolutely! People connect in all kinds of different ways to church… some are knitters, some come to Bible studies, some come for kids programs…

W: Oh that’s really nice! So just anyone can come to your church?

M: Absolutely. Everyone is welcome to come and find their place.

W: Interesting… Let’s say I was looking… but I don’t want anything too stuffy or like religious?

Me: Well, I think we’d have a good balance, but you’d have to check it out for sure!

W: So… for now can I call you my church too?

M: I’m so glad you’re a part of our church.

Me: We’ll share the household duties… if one cooks, the other cleans, etc…

Steven: I like it. Makes sense.

M: Yeah… there’s no gendered jobs… we do things equally.

S: I support that.

Marriage conversations:

M: Could you take out the garbage?

S: Oh sure… why can’t you?

M: Garbage is a boy’s job.

S: …

M: I don’t make the rules.

S: Oh? Who does?

M: It’s probably the patriarchy. Oh, well… you don’t win everything.

S: …

M: I’m also adorable…

S: …

E: Mimi, did you finish your sermon?

M: Yes, I did.

E: You did? Is it good?

M: I hope it is…

E: Yeah… I bet all the people hope so.

M: Yes, that is true.

E: Mimi… what is a sermon?

M: Well, it’s a talk I give on Sunday mornings about Jesus and hope and loving each other and things like that.

E: Oh. Yeah, that better be good then, huh? Cause people should be nice.

M: That probably should just be my sermon then, right?

E: Yeah. I can write it for you.

M: Hi, I’ve been trying to get this pre auth approved for 2 months… can you explain what the hold up is?

W: I do apologize. Is this for a new or existing prescription?

M: Existing.

W: Ah yes, there it is. It doesn’t look like anything has been submitted.

M: My doctor’s office submitted it again a week ago…

W: Hmmm… let me look…Oh I see something here. They needed permission to submit the form.

M: They needed permission?

W: Yes, it looks like we just needed to give them permission.

M: You needed to give them permission to submit the form that you asked them to submit?

W: Yes ma’am.

M: What does it take to give them permission to submit a form that you asked them to submit?

W: I just needed to click a box.

M: Click a box?

W: Yes ma’am, like on the computer.

M: I understand what that means. I’m trying to understand why it was done before you asked for it to be submitted.

W: I do apologize…Sometimes these things just happen.

M: (internally screaming)…

W: Ok, it looks like everything is all set now.

M: All set for them to submit the form you asked them to submit?

W: No ma’am, you’re all approved.

M: Because you clicked the box in 0.7 seconds?

W: Yes ma’am. Well, because your provider submitted the necessary documents.

M: Which you received after you clicked the box?

W: Yes ma’am…

M: Great…

W: Is there anything else I can help you with today, ma’am?

M: Is there a box you can check to fix the whole system?

W: Unfortunately there is not….

G: Hey... You parked in the spot that says for clergy only... what is a clergy? Like a super special doctor or something?

Me: Oh, no... A clergy is a pastor or an ordained person.

G: Oh... So, like you got ordained online for a special parking spot?

M: Uh... No, I did not... I'm ordained in the United Methodist Church.

G: Oooooohhhh... Yeah... Like one of those people who tells you you're going to hell and all the bad things you do. I gotcha.

M: Oh, not like that either... I mean, yes... those exist, but I'm not like that kind either...

G: Ok.... So then what kind are you? Where do you tell people they're going?

M: Well, I try not to tell people where they're going... I try to leave that up to God.... I try to be the kind of pastor who tells people about grace and how much God loves them and how we can make the world better.

G: Oh that's interesting... I've not heard of those kind before. What are you doing here at the hospital?

M: I'm visiting someone here in the hospital to pray with them.

G: And tell them God loves them?

M: Yes, that's right.

G: That's probably nice for people to know.

M: I think it is.

G: So... just wondering... Do you think God really loves me? Or am I going to hell?

M: Well, I can tell you for sure that God loves you and there's nothing that you can do about that... Nothing separates you from God's love.

G: Thanks. I didn't know I would run into a clergy today... Let alone one who might tell me that I'm loved. I guess that makes today a good day for me. I hope for you as well.