?????

I haven't actually liked anything I've eaten in a month. My parents made fried turkey slices and I couldn't have any. Still warm in the pot, waiting for me, smiling like little sunshines while I forced down a sad cold salad instead.

I'm so sick of this. I want to stop but seeing the scale go down is too fucking addictive for me to stop

If I could eat anything rn I'd have the meat with the potato salad my parents made for lunch along with everything else I've been wanting to try. Hell, I'd even go on holiday just to experience a restaurant meal and a huge ice cream with toppings or something

and the thing is i COULD have all of that but i'm just convinced that i can't?? BITCH WHO'S STOPPING YOU???? 😂😂😂😂😂

i'm wasting my days to mindless scrolling mukbang shorts like a braindead lowlifer

i keep thinking about food and planning my next meals, anxious it won't be enough and simultaneously fearing it's too much.

and suddenly it's 100 am and i'm losing sleep by watching people eat on the internet goddammit

i don't even like watching that shit

matter of fact, I DESPISE IT. leave me alooooone

zero calorie drinks are becoming a fear food.

the bar keeps moving lower and lower i can't stop it's all consuming i just want a break i want to do a few very low days and fuck macros and fuck consistency and fuck nutrition and nausea and dizziness and headaches

i must be obsessed with food since i can't get my mind off of it for the LIFE of me. i don't even crave shit, i don't feel hunger. i don't feel anything. i don't fantasize about binging or cheat days or erasing what's left in my stomach

hammed in by a sick fascination with seeing people chew. chained to the meaningless hours i wait for my next eating window. confined in the self-imposed walls of restriction, unforgiving in it's rigid structure and thinking thinking thinking thinking always fucking spinning that hamster wheel

and admitting this is fucking humiliating but i'm so sick of my brain and its AUDACITY to still try to DENY it's dealing with an eating disorder because "i can stop whenever i want it's not hard" ahahahhhhahahaha then why don't you??