Maggie

Being stressed 24/7 about everyone.

Getting woken up at 2 in the morning constantly because someone is having a crisis.

Being a teenage mom friend is too much pressure, but you can’t vent about that pressure to the people who put it on you because you might make them feel guilty, and if they vent about suicidal stuff to you that is the absolute LAST thing you want to do.

Bottling everything up because you have a habit of putting other people’s problems before your own.

Having a really bad day but basically brushing it off cause they have it worse.

Having a huge crisis on your hands, but putting it off to deal with someone else’s problem first, even tho their thing can wait and your’s can’t.

Multitasking between chats because like 5 different people are in the middle of a crisis.

Working constantly to get that specific friend into therapy because they desperately need it, but making no progress because you’re not a legal guardian and can’t really do anything.

Feeling the need to constantly insure everyone is fine.

Having responsibilities that definitely shouldn’t fall onto a 16 year old because isn’t in their parents job to make sure they eat?!?

Having to research how to treat a burn because your friend got depressed and hurt themself again.

Having to ask your mom how drunk half a bottle of wine would make a teenager because your friend is turning into an alcoholic.

You could literally be in fear for your life but if your friend gets a papercut your priorities shift instantly.

Suggesting everything you can think of to help your friend but watching each suggestion be shot down without even a second of consideration, then they complain about how no one ever helps them so you’re wondering why the fuck they even ask for your advise if they aren’t gonna listen.

Feeling like absolutely no one takes note of all the shit you do for them.

Breaking your back carrying around a bag full of random shit because someone might need it.

Confiscating sleeping pills from your friend.

Being oddly comfortable calling the police about suicide attempts.

Just wanting a good night’s rest for once

Seeing everyone alive and happy every now and then makes you think all the stress is worth it.

Knowing a shit storm is about to hit a specific friend, knowing you don’t want to deal with the aftermath, yet still offering to talk it out with them when it all goes wrong.

Dropping everything you’re doing because you think you heard your phone chime across the house and someone might be having a crisis.

Telling your friends over and over again to only call twice if it’s an emergency, but they ignore/forget that rule so each time it gives you a near panic attack.

If you’re phone dies and you can’t charge it it gives you massive anxiety because someone is probably having a crisis.

Wondering when it crosses the line from mom friend to being manipulated and constantly taken advantage of emotionally.

But most of all, the thing your mom friend doesn’t tell you is;

Honestly I didn’t even start out as a mom friend, I just didn’t like to talk about boys or play truth or dare or trivial stuff like that and I was put into the role of mom friend

I’ve seen some stuff about mom friends vs goblin friends so I am here to present to you, 

the Mom Goblin Friend: 

Finds a group of friends a few grades younger than them at school

these kids usually have home issues 

or are gay 

or have mental health issues

“you’re my kids now. you have no choice. I’m your mom now.”

super-duper protective 

“what did you just say to my kid?”

“I swear to god if they so much as touched you”

other sayings include 

“oh you disaster idiot”

“dumbass” (said with tons of affection)

“say it with me, kids, fuck the system”

“you are more important than your schoolwork”

“When you have a kid you sign up to love them no matter what if your parents can’t do that then they are shitty parents”

“I will fight the teacher for you”

“but will you really do better if you study?”

“I would die for all of you” 

“do as I say not as I do”

“hey, I love you, okay” 

Generally, the kind of kid who takes no one’s shit

screams in the hallways “OI DID I JUST HEAR THE F SLUR?”

swears constantly. 

always tired. ALWAYS.

has told at least one teacher to fight them 

“Listen here, kid. If I hear of you bullying my friend again I will destroy you. I’m a senior and have nothing left to lose”

But the thing no one tells you about being the Advice Friend is that you become more and more of a public resource, a service for your friends to take advantage of whenever they need to. It’s not that they wouldn’t care about your problems, it’s just that they don’t bother to find out if you have them or what they are. Because you’re expected to be available for advice or shoulder-crying all the time, you are no longer sought out as a person. 

When people tell you why they love you or what they like about you, they say that you’re “always there for them” or “so compassionate” or “very inspiring” or “such a good mom friend” or “the best at giving advice”. They never say that you have great taste in books or that you write brilliant poetry or that you have a great laugh or that you’re wickedly funny. Because funny isn’t your job. Advice is your job. Making people feel better is your job.

It is a strange thing to realize that you could turn off your phone for a week and come back to no notifications except in the event of a “hey, I’m having a bit of a crisis, can I talk to you?”.

It is a strange thing to feel like you only exist when people need something.

like, i don’t know if yall realize this if youre newer here but: this whole “asexuality exclusion” thing and this “queer is a slur” thing? this is new. this is only within the past two or so years that its gained any real momentum, the same with terfs and radfems. it wasn’t a concept. there were massive, massive rallies in support of our asexual community. it’s horrifying to me how simply and neatly we as a group have gone from “The A doesn’t stand for Ally” to “There is no A at all”.

and i need you all to know: this is not a coincidence that TERFS have risen up in roughly the same time period. i need you all to realize that when you talk about your exclusion of asexuals from our community, you are parroting well-known TERF and neo-nazi rhetoric.

“they are invading [LGBT/women’s/white] safe spaces to steal our resources and oppress us.”

“they’re only pretending to be [gay/a woman].”

“[asexual/trans women/POC] aren’t REALLY [LGBT/women/human].”

and it goes deeper, fundamentally flawed: when you try to reason that asexuality isn’t inherently LGBT, but if you are otherwise LGBT but asexual it’s somehow fine and different but otherwise youre cishet…all you’re saying is that “you’re only allowed in this club if you don’t support others who are like you. you’re only allowed in this club because i as an authority say you fit nicely under a label that i agree with.”

it’s terrifying, to me, and i’m not asexual. it’s terrifying that this manufactured divide using literal talking points created by and stolen from TERFs and neo-nazis has such an appeal to so many LGBT people. i’m worried for our future on so many levels; climate change, political upheaval, the list goes on. standing strong together is so important right now, perhaps more than ever, at least in my lifetime. and yet we are so destructively focused on ideas of ‘the model of social justice’ and ‘purity culture’ and ‘respectability politics’ and so on that we would rather turn on our own–not even our allies but our own community–because we don’t think they’re LGBT enough.

A list of reminders that are mainly for myself

Sleep

Sleep is really important

Don't stay up till 11-12 every night you will cry the next day

GET BACK ON SCHEDULE NOW SO YOU DON'T DIE THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL

Practice good sleep hygiene by getting into good habits before bed (I personally brush my teeth, change into my pjs, lay out clothes for the next day, then go make myself a mug of sleepy time tea to drink while I read)

Try to find a place to chill on your phone/read/do other not school/work related things that isn't your bed

SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PULLING AN ALL NIGHTER WILL NOT HELP YOU IT IS TOO LATE MY FRIENDS

Organization

Color code

Color code some more

Color code everything

Color coding is helpful if you enjoy visual learning and it makes things pretty

You know highlighting in pretty colors makes you happy don't lie

You're told to buy all your supplies beforehand but if you're a high school student honestly don't

Buy everything you know you'll need (paper, pencils, highlighters, pens, etc.)

Then after the first day when your teachers give you the supply lists you can fill in whatever you don't have

USE THE DOLLAR STORE THEY HAVE RELATIVELY DECENT STATIONARY FOR DIRT CHEAP

That's where I buy all my comp books and I got a really cute cat one there once

This will save you a ton of money

Try to keep your desk relatively clean but it's ok if it gets a little messy don't stress

Try to keep all your school stuff in one place

If you have classes that don't have required notebook set ups then take notes for all those classes in one notebook and transfer the notes into subject notebooks at home save your backs

COLOR CODE

For my fellow IBD, Crohn's, UC, IBS, lactose intolerant, or friends with severe food allergies

Don't eat your trigger foods during the school year

It's tempting but then you will cry

And since most GI conditions are aggravated by stress missing more school/work because of a flare will cause stress and make it worse

Don't make the mistakes I made last school year I beg

Rest when you need to

School is hard with chronic illness, make sure you take care of yourselves

Mentally ill friends

AGENDAS

I know they can be hard to use but planning things and breaking stuff down into small pieces really does help

I use an app called Egenda which let's me organize things by class and gives me notifications to get my shit done

REST

Get proper sleep because mental illness is draining

Don't stay up till 11 just cause you wanna talk to friends it will catch up to you

Your friends want you to take care of yourself so sleep

Eat properly

Even if it's something small for breakfast it's better than nothing

Make sure you're in classes you can handle

You might have the intelligence for AP but you may not have the stamina, that's ok

School is about learning not competition don't push yourself too hard

Food

Eat friends

Try to eat at least one fruit and veggie every day

You will feel better

Avoid diets during the school year unless necessary, stressing about food just adds more stress to your life

HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE

Dehydration is as killer when you live in a hot area

Please don't die

You are loved

Apps (my personal favorites)

Egenda - digital agenda

Desmos - graphing calculator

Quizlet - this app isn't just for cheating, you can create flashcards, quizzes, and more and it saved my ass on some of my finals last year

Khan is well loved for a reason, it's a great supplement program

Other

School counselor's really aren't great to talk to about mental health issues, they're there for scheduling and handling school problems like bullying and such

If you can, find a therapist, seriously

Find good friends who support you

STAY OUT OF DRAMA

Eat at lunchtime, you need that boost to power through the rest of the day

Stay hydrated too, carry a water bottle

READ

ENRICH YOURSELF

LIBRARIES EXIST FOR A REASON GO FIND A GOOD BOOK

For incoming freshman

Don't try to look cool

Stay out of drama it's not worth it

Don't feel pressured to date just because everyone else is

That senior is not actually interested in you, you're just easy to control

Upperclassmen can be rude but if you find some cool ones make friends with them cause they can warn you about teachers and classes and help you navigate your new school

Try to have good relationships with your teachers, people may call you a teacher's pet but there are perks to a teacher liking you

My bio teacher once called me up beginning of class just to show me a cat meme cause I have an "I like cats" pin

You can't get by doing nothing like in middle school and teachers are a lot stricter, now is the time to learn the value of hard work

Fights aren't worth it, if someone is challenging you just let it go

AND REMEMBER:

Grades do not define you.

You are loved.

i hate change, and i’m afraid to fall in love.

i hate watching my friends, my siblings, my cousins become a different person, and leave behind the people that used to be enough. i watch once stoic and independent people become whiny and clingy. i scroll through their instagrams that used to be filled with the adventures we used to take, and now it’s filled with their selfies of them and their “boo”.

they tell me “oh, just wait until you get a boyfriend!” well if that’s the cost of finding love, i don’t want it. people that i’ve let in close, let them see the real me– i’m not abandoning them for a boy! who do i fall back on if i desert the only other people besides my family that have stood by me? they are my family! 

maybe that boils down to commitment issues. i’m not really sure. i know, at our cores, infp’s have to be true to themselves, and the thought of me sacrificing the person i’ve become and all that i am for the sake of a boy horrifies me.