What If Dogs

The biggest changes in my life since 2018 when I last used tumblr are very few. My best friend was diagnosed with cancer, but he’s still alive and mostly well. I dropped out of grad school, which was definitely one of the better decisions I’ve made for my mental health. I got my first gray hairs after taking in my younger sibling (which was a year of pretty much constant heart-attack-level stress, but they’re doing so well now). I got diagnosed with autism, which has been a weird experience (but scrolling back through my tumblr… not entirely surprising). I got a job after being unemployed for a whole year (which sucked) after losing my job at the library bc my contract expired after I lost student status (which also sucked but slightly less than being unemployed). I do legal transcription now, which is actually pretty decent if you’re a hyperlexic cave creature who likes eavesdropping, being alone, and grammar (in that order).

I used to think I’d end up getting big on some website or another, but in all the time I’ve used the internet my biggest hits are usually random comments anyway. Now I’m more relieved than disappointed that I never had a big following bc WOW does that not work out for people. I don’t know why I’m writing all of this down, but I’ve been thinking lately about how I don’t take photos or videos consistently even though I spend way too much time on social media. I don’t journal, either, or even really write, which is why my poetry habit is pretty withered.

I’ll probably forget about this and post something similar in another four years thinking, “Oh, how novel. I’ll try something I haven’t tried before,” even though it’s the same thing I’ve done many, many times before. This is mostly due to extremely selective memory and difficulty forming habits, but also because maybe that’s just how the record of my life is grooved. Same scratch, different part of the album; same distortion, different background noise.

I think the preoccupation is that I want to connect with people so badly, but I also can’t stand the actual logistics of maintaining those connections. Making the connection in the first place is like… wow. And then the middle part goes on forever until it’s the last part, the end part, and that’s the one that’s always on my mind. How am I going to lose this person? Is it going to be painful? (It always is.) I don’t have any big point to make about that, which is also why it’s something that I return to over and over again. That’s just how it is (it sucks) and then it’s not.

Also, I think it’s pretty fucked up how I save all my actual ruminations for when I’m not being witnessed (if someone is witnessing this, no you’re not). I used to want to be a writer. Now, I just want to be like… 30% mostly content more than 0% of the time. I think that means I won’t have the life I imagined I would when I was 18, but even then I mostly imagined it ending abruptly, so maybe I’m on the right track after all.

Idfk. Do your best to turn as many ages as possible, imaginary audience of people. It isn’t awesome, but it’s also not unsurvivably awful most of the time. I need to actually do some work now. I love you all. Drive safe.