thank you for my ember

“Taigen hasn’t been around in a while.” Mizu’s voice yanked Akemi out of her fragile concentration. She looked up from her laptop at Mizu, who lounged on the opposite end of their couch, a book laying open in her lap. Akemi was momentarily stunned. Mizu never asked about Akemi’s boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend now. In fact, she was pretty sure Mizu had never even said his name out loud before now. She sighed and shut her laptop. 

She had texted him only a week ago, fed up that he stood her up for the umpteenth time. “Are you ever going to spend time with me?” Akemi had texted him. His response: “you know how important this job is, Akemi.” “Aren’t I important too??” A typing ellipses popped up on her phone screen momentarily, then disappeared. Taigen didn’t respond. Akemi texted again: “Fine. We’re done.” 

Akemi tells her as much, curious to see Mizu’s eyebrows rise at the news. Akemi felt a tidal wave rise in her chest, bolstered by Mizu’s expression of mild interest, and launched directly into girl talk, frustrations bubbling out of her like an overflowing sink.

“Like, I’m not that  upset about it, we hardly saw each other anyway, but it’s just annoying, right? Like, why waste my time if you don’t even give a shit about me? Honestly the only thing I’m going to miss about him is the sex. Actually, no, not even that! I was the one putting in all the work! I was the reason our sex was good at all! It was always me on top while he laid there like a dead fish. And don’t get me wrong, I like being on top, but not all the time! Sometimes I like getting pushed around a bit, you know? Get rough with me! Eat me out once in a while! But noooo, Prince Taigen just had to always act like he was too sore from work to do shit. Idiot! Um, Mizu, are you feeling okay?” Akemi took a breath, distracted by a flush darkening Mizu’s face, her eyebrows so high on her forehead they looked like they could fuse with her hairline. Suddenly self-conscious, Akemi stammered out an apology. “Shit, my bad!! I just assumed… sorry, Mizu, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” 

“It’s fine,” Mizu said, looking anywhere except at Akemi. Akemi’s eyes followed the pink of Mizu’s skin, which spread from her cheeks down her slender throat, disappearing beneath the collar of her shirt. She felt her own cheeks pinking as she thought about everything she just spilled to her quiet roommate. What was she thinking?! She hardly knew anything about Mizu, and now Mizu knew more about Akemi’s sad sex life than she probably ever intended to find out. Mizu coughed uncomfortably. “You could always… find a hookup?” She sounded hesitant. 

Akemi blinked at her, a small smile spreading on her face. She had expected Mizu to make an excuse to leave the room, to change the subject. Mizu’s (annoyingly pretty) blue eyes were actually meeting Akemi’s now, completely serious about the suggestion. Akemi almost giggled. It was sweet. 

“Ugh, there’s no way I would be able to find a hookup who would actually be able to satisfy me,” Akemi rolled her eyes, grinning in earnest, “I’ve tried before, trust me. I mean, you know men—” Akemi stopped herself at that thought, and eyed Mizu. “Or, maybe you don’t? You’re… gay, right?” 

Mizu actually laughed at that, the sound soft and light. She had a nice laugh. “Is it obvious?” Mizu asked, knowing it was obvious. “But I’ve been with men before.” Akemi’s mouth gaped slightly at the admission. She folded her legs up under her and scooted incrementally closer to Mizu on the couch. 

“Really? You have?” Mizu just shrugged in response, refusing to elaborate. Akemi breathed sharply through her nose. How could her roommate still be so annoyingly cagey when they were bonding? 

“So you get it,” Akemi continued, “Hooking up with men is terrible. They’re done in five minutes, and then have the audacity to not even be interested in round two! Even when they do manage to make me come, it’s still not satisfying, you know? Like, I can just keep going and they’re ready to tap out as soon as we’ve both come once. Like, are they not embarrassed?” 

Mizu seemed to sit back and consider Akemi as she paused to throw her hands up in the air in frustration. The pause lingered and Akemi felt pinned under Mizu’s sharp scrutiny. 

“Do you even like men?” Mizu narrowed her eyes at her. Akemi eyebrows shot up her forehead and her heart stuttered in her chest. 

“Wha— what do you mean by that?!” 

“It’s just a question.” 

“I mean, obviously, right? I’ve been with lots of men, haven’t I?” 

“Why are you asking me? Do you not know?” 

“Because— because!” Akemi couldn’t think of a reason. What did she like about dating men? She tried to answer the question, and her mind went terrifyingly blank. “What’s it like being with women, then?” Akemi frowned at Mizu accusingly. The woman had the audacity to grin devilishly, a fierce look Akemi had never seen on her before. It made something in her gut twist uncomfortably.

“Fun.” Mizu answered simply. 

Akemi could feel her heartbeat in her throat. Could she say that about any of her encounters with men? Was it ever fun, or was it just… a chore? Suddenly, Akemi felt herself wondering about Mizu. What did she like in bed? What did she find… fun? A hot flush rose to her cheeks and she stopped those thoughts where they were. 

“Yeah, umh… okay. Thanks for talking to me, Mizu. I think I’m gonna go take a shower.” Akemi forced herself to laugh, to distract from the obvious discomfort in her face. She scrambled to her bathroom, feeling Mizu’s eyes following her until she disappeared behind the door, burning a hole in her back. 

The shower head stuttered to life and Akemi leaned over the bathroom sink as the water began to heat up. She regarded herself in the mirror, frowning at the ruddiness in her cheeks that refused to recede. What the hell was that all about? Akemi doesn’t get flustered, she just doesn’t. She always prided herself on that, staying cool under pressure, having complete control over herself, her body, having the freedom to choose who she was attracted to. 

And she was attracted to them, right? Taigen was a good looking man, he was nice most of the time, he was never pushy with her. Akemi might have actually liked him, if he was around more. And he was easy. Her heart never raced around him, not like it was doing now, beating out of control. 

Akemi stepped under the hot water and exhaled shakily. She tried to relax her shoulders as the water soaked her, but she couldn’t get that word out of her head. Fun. Mizu’s voice rang in her ears, and when Akemi closed her eyes, she saw Mizu, sitting cross-legged on the couch, that fucking grin on her face, the mischievous curl of her lips around that word, fun. Akemi shook her head, shaking away the thought. 

But maybe Mizu was right, not about the hookup, but maybe Akemi just needed to get off, to let herself be distracted for a while. 

She dragged her hands across her own body, touching her skin the way she liked to be touched, her soft sigh swallowed up by noise of the shower and the bathroom fan whirring. Akemi bit her lip as she pinched and tugged at her nipples, sensitive buds hardening, stoking her own arousal. One hand dipped between her legs, stroked her clit, hissing at the stimulation. Her fingers rubbed slow circles around her clit and she leaned her head back, letting the hot water soak her hair and run down her face, cascade over her shoulders, roll past her clavicle and down her chest. She tried picturing Taigen. Akemi remembered the way he looked beneath her when they fucked, his lips parted and gasping as she rolled her hips onto his cock. Her fingers stopped moving as she felt her arousal wane frustratingly. She pictured him and suddenly it felt as though she were touching dead skin, all her nerve endings dulled. 

She breathed for a moment, eyes opening to stare at the ceiling. Maybe she should try something different. In the heat of the shower, enveloped by steam and curtained by water, she could try something different and no one else would have to know.

Akemi closed her eyes again and pictured Mizu. She pictured Mizu after she came home from wherever she would disappear to at night, clothes soaked in sweat and sometimes blood. She pictured the moments she would sit with Mizu on the edge of the bathtub, sanitizing and bandaging deep gashes on her back where Mizu couldn’t reach. Akemi could almost hear the way Mizu would hiss as she cleaned her wounds with rubbing alcohol, could see the way the muscles in her back would go taut to withstand the stinging pain. 

Akemi began moving her fingers again, rubbing firm circles into her clit. Her own touch felt electric now, arousal gathering between her legs, heat coiling in her stomach. She gasped, pressed harder. She pictured the way Mizu would put her hair up after a shower, gathering dark hair into her hands as she held a hairband between her teeth, long fingers taming her waves with practiced movements. One stubborn curl would always fall out of her lazy bun, resting gently against her cheekbone, softening the sharp lines of her features. 

She pressed her lips together, muffling a low moan as her fingers worked faster, feeling the heat in her abdomen build and tighten, encouraging her arousal with quick motions. Her heart pounded, exhaling heavily through her nose as she furrowed her brows, focusing on the feeling. Akemi’s other hand came up to fondle her chest again, tugging roughly at her nipples. She bit her bottom lip, and pictured Mizu sitting cross-legged on their shared couch, face painted in a pretty red flush as she politely listened to Akemi talk about her depressing sex life. 

Fun. Mizu’s dangerous grin, plush pink lips curling around the word. Akemi gasped, knees buckled as her release hit her like a freight train, her hand on her chest flying out to steady herself against the wall of the shower. Her fingers moved frantically as waves of pleasure rocked through her body, slick wetness covering her hand and the inside of her shaking thighs, mind going pleasantly fuzzy and momentarily, blessedly empty. Akemi’s fingers slowed as her orgasm did, and she panted under the hot water. 

Icy white panic shot through her chest as she realized what she just did. A fast, fucking powerful orgasm as she thought about her roommate. Fuck, she’s going to be so awkward around Mizu now, isn’t she?

She finished her shower, quickly soaping and rinsing her body as she caught her breath and slowed her heartbeat. Turning off the water, she stepped out of the tub and wrapped herself in a towel and wiped the condensation off the bathroom mirror. When she looked at her reflection, still dripping, breathing unevenly, she felt new, raw, different.