Hey guys, friendly reminder that job interviews are psychological mind games and you should not be truthful and instead arm yourself with Important but Not Easily Verifiable Lies and practice delivering them until they're off the cuff.
- If someone asks for weaknesses, they're not really looking for weaknesses! They're looking for a combination of self-awareness and indications of self-improvement. Don't say "I'm bad at time management" and just leave it there. Imply that's in the past tense and talk about all the stuff you did to get good at it. Follow up each weakness with some bs answer on what you're doing to address it
- When I say like, Not Easily Verifiable Lies, I mean like, obviously don't make up shit wholesale, but like. If someone asks you your 5 year plan, they can't PROVE you're lying if you say "Oh I want to be the head of my own department, I want to be supervising my own team, etc" other corporate ladder shit. What they don't wanna hear is "Uhhhh idk" EVEN IF IT'S TRUE AND VALID. They can't disprove that you love working with customers to find cost effective solutions. What they CAN do is feel suspicious about how much you mean what you say, which is why practicing until you can make that shit sound natural is important
- (With that specific example of where you wanna be though, be careful lmao. If they think you plan on using them as a stepping stone before moving on, they might question the value of hiring you since they'd just have to start the process over again. Try to strike the right tone of "I want to succeed and grow with the tools you give me, of which there is surely an abundance")
- I can see when you are reading off another screen. It's very visible. If you're gonna do chatgpt shit to come up with answers at least do me the courtesy of keeping the window leveled wherever my face would be on the screen so it looks like you're staring at me the whole time
- Do not talk about how your last company sucked. It's a company. Of course it sucked. This company you're applying for probably sucks just as much if not much worse. Even if you're leaving your company because your boss spends every day attacking you with throwing stars, make up a different reason. Preferably something about seeking growth or some shit
- If you can't think of a reason as to why you'd be excited to join a particular company (and let's be real. Why the fuck would you literally ever), find something else to feign excitement over. "I saw that this new role has X responsibility which I never got to do, but always wanted to learn" or "I saw that you were planning on opening two new branches and I've always wanted to be involved in the growth of blahblahblah vomit". It doesn't have to be true, man. On that note
- Google the company. Look up what they do. Look in the news. You don't have to be able to recite a complete company history or anything but it helps to kow What They Do. "This one seems really obv--" YOU'D BE SURPRISED. If they don't ask you outright what you know about the company, bring up something you learned when it's time for you to ask your questions.
- Have questions to ask, btw. But these are not mere questions of curiosity! Because, again, who could possibly give a shit about their practices and whatnot!! These are instead opportunities for you to show off how diligent you are and tell more anecdotes about what a great employee you would be. "Oh, I had a follow up question about the software you use! When I was training my coworkers how to use this, I came across this issue a number of times, how did you guys deal with that? I did X but that solution probably wouldn't scale for a department your size" <- Okay stop yawning and look. See how nobody gives a shit but now you can brag about knowing it so well you taught others, identified solutions, and recognized the limitations of those solutions? Bragging opportunity.
- You know that archetype of person who only ever talks about themselves and how great they are and everything you bring up only serves as a platform for them to talk about themselves? That is kind of what a job interview is.
"This sounds miserable!" It is!!! People who do this well are worms who have gained extensive experience in stuffing their faces into the excrement of hiring managers. If you're having a good time you're doing it wrong or YOU'RE WEIRD
"But even after doing all that work, I still might not even get the job?" Yes!!!!!! It sucks!!!!!! The goal is to minimize what qualms a person may have and present yourself as a specialized tool for their problems, which is why it helps to know what those problems are. "But that sucks!" NOTHING ABOUT THIS PROCESS DOESN'T SUCK, INCLUDING SUCCESS
Speaking as a manager who just ran a bunch of interviews for a new position on my team: this post is ACCURATE. During an interview, I’m thinking about how well you deal with the nonsense questions that are part of the interview process that I have to follow. Am I pissed about having to do this? Of course I am, anyone with a shred of empathy would be. But it’s part of the process that I have to follow.
To add on to this, if after you’ve gotten the job and have been there a while you suspect your manager isn’t doing their best to keep petty bullshit out of your way, they’re not doing THEIR job. That’s what a good manager does: takes the billions of meetings and deals with status updates so you, the person doing the work, has the room to do it.
