Everything/Nothing

Good evening Tumblr, and good morning, and good afternoon.

As I type this, my first blog post in a long time, I find it difficult to decide on where to start.  This is understandable, because a lot has changed in my life since then.  Some things small, some things big, but all things important.

In the following posts I will do my best to update you with the least amount of rambling and nonsense as possible.

Hi Everyone,

I feel really bad for being quiet for so long.  I have wanted to blog again for a while now, but just couldn't bring myself to put down the words.

My head is so filled with decisions, ideas, wants, wishes, happy thoughts, frustrated thoughts...you get the idea.

I just don't want to put anything out there that isn't 100% real and sincere, just because I might be having a weird or bad day.

I've had a lot to think about, which isn't very good for someone like me, who always over thinks everything!

Hopefully I will be able to tell you something meaningful soon.  One thing I am sure of, is that prayer is one of the strongest and most meaningful actions you can take, in any situation.

Be kind when discussing someone's actions or thoughts.

Last week I heard my four-year-old daughter Madeline sitting on the toilet singing "Holy, Holy, Holy" with an exaggerated vibrato. My first instinct was to laugh. My second response was an overwhelming sense of gratitude. My kid knows the words to a timeless hymn proclaiming the sacredness of God's triune nature. She knows the words—and will soon learn the attending theology—because of a hard decision that my husband and I made a year ago: to send her to a Christian private school.

Andrea Palpant Dilley defends her decision to put her child in a Christian Private school.

"I could never believe in a God who sends people to hell." This common objection, while sincere, is nevertheless untrue and illogical. How can you say it is "untrue" Dan if someone really means it? This is how. Just walk through the reasoning with me if you will.

One of the issues that I've experienced since being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and having told a few people about it, is that some of them somehow feel it's proper to ask for updates on my condition or TTC status.  This can get quite frustrating and often makes me feel a bit negative or annoyed.  I commented about this frustration in an earlier post.

I do find it helpful though, to discuss this issue with a handful of friends, who know me well enough not to comment or ask about it out of context or at an inappropriate time.  As much as I appreciate their concern and sincere care for my welfare and happiness, I do not always agree with their understanding of it and the way they perceive some "essential christian beliefs".

The issue I want to discuss in this post, is whether it is appropriate to say things like "IT will happen at the right time" or "IT will come in IT's own time" or "IT will happen WHEN God intends it".  The IT refers to whatever you are trying to get, do or receive at that time or are waiting to happen, in my case that is trying to conceive.

I understand that whoever says this really just wants to make me feel better, they want to put my mind at ease and help relieve some of my tension.  But, I have to stress that according to my personal beliefs and understanding of scripture, I do not agree with this type of statement.  I do not believe in things like Fate and Karma or that "The Universe" has control of my life and conspires against or for certain events. I believe that God is the one and only Lord and that nothing is greater or more powerful than Him. Therefore, I have His Word, the Bible, to turn to when I meet a struggle, am searching for answers, or just want to learn more about Him.

I am not a Theologian, Pastor or any type of expert on Christianity, but in my humble understanding, while God does promise to answer our prayers, He does not promise that the answer will be yes.

Please allow me to reference some parts of scripture that talk about this:

Mark 11:22,23

Study Notes from NIV Life Application Bible: The kind of prayer that moves mountains is prayer for the fruitfulness of God's kingdom. It would seem impossible to move a mountain into the sea, so Jesus used that picture to say that God can do anything. God will answer your prayers, but not as a result of your positive mental attitude.  Other conditions must be met:  1) you must be a believer;  2) you must not hold a grudge against another person;  3) you must not pray with selfish motives;  4) your request must be for the good of God's kingdom. To pray effectively, you need faith in God, not faith in the object of your request. If you focus on your request, you will be left with nothing if your request is refused.

Mark 11:25

Study Notes from NIV Life Application Bible: Jesus, our example for prayer, prayed, "Everything is possible for you...Yet not what I will, but what you will" (14:26). Our prayers are often motivated by our own interests and desires. We like to hear that we can have anything. But Jesus prayed with God's interests in mind. When we pray, we should express our desires, but want his will above ours. Check yourself to see if your prayers focus on your interests or God's.

Even greater than this, He promises the following:

Romans 8:28 (NIV): "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Study Notes from NIV Life Application Bible: God works in "all things" - not just isolated incidents - for our good. This does not mean that all that happens to us is good.  Evil is prevalent in our fallen world, but God is able to turn every circumstance around for our long-range good.  Note that God is not working to make us happy, but to fulfill his purpose.  Note also that this promise is not for everybody.  It can be claimed only by those who love God and are called according to his purpose.  Those who are "called" are those the Holy Spirit convinces and enables to receive Christ.  Such people have a new perspective, a new mind-set on life.  They trust in God, not life's treasures; they look for their security in heaven, not earth; they learn to accept, not resent, pain and persecution because God is with them.

The short and sweet conclusion of what I am trying to say, in the context of my fertility issues, is that I believe and trust that God will bless me with a child IF AND WHEN he intends it.  The IF is just as important as the WHEN.  

God is not a genie in the bottle that we can just let out and talk to when we need something from Him.  He is indescribable, I will not even attempt to discuss how breathtakingly awesome He is to me, let's leave that topic for another post.

If I believe in God and if I believe the entire message and truth of His Word, which I do, then I also have to trust that whatever I think I need or want from Him, God will bless me with, IF it is within His purpose for me and WHEN He intends it.  As much as I want a child of my own, I believe that if it is not within God's purpose for my life, He has something even greater planned for me, for the glory of His Kingdom.  How awesome is that!

Some issues that trickle off this, in my mind, are fertility treatments, adoption and abortion.  I will surely cover those in future posts.

Please know that I do not judge anyone who does not agree with these statements, I reserve all judgement for God, in the end only He has perfect knowledge on all Spiritual Truth.

I just realized that I have an obsessive tendency or compulsion, some might call it a knack for procrastination where I seem to go through phases.

The first phase is when I want to do nothing but read.  During this time I will use any excuse to buy new books and spend hours at a time or reading Quora answers or on Google trying to find new things to read.  It doesn't matter what the subject matter is, I seem to be fascinated by any topic that is even slightly related to my life or hobbies.  

The second phase is when I want to do nothing but write.  During this time I seem to feel the need to write down (type or handwrite) any thought, question or problem that enters my mind.  I have no problem filling quite a few pages at a time, with rants or stories related to almost anything, that most people will find mind-numbingly boring. 

These two phases in themselves don't cause me problems.  Where the issue lies for me, is that I often need to do the opposite of what I am obsessed with doing.  

Point in case, take December 2013.  I had just finished all the reading material from my first course subject and was determined to complete the required essay during that month.  The problem was, that all of the required reading I had to complete before I started my essay, caused me to lapse into the first phase of my obsession.  It's 3 January 2014 and I still can't seem to stop reading anything and everything I can find!

I remember a few other times in my life where my regular blog postings or writing in my journal caused me to lapse into the second phase of my obsession.  As it happened, I did have books I needed to read or subjects I had to study for, which was quite emotionally and mentally demanding since all I wanted to do was write every single thought that came into my head!

I am hoping that this blog will help me keep these obsessions under control in the future.  I am hereby making a commitment to write at least one blog post a week, and to start the posts by reading articles or blogs for post ideas.  Hopefully that will go a long way in helping my brain to switch from writing, to reading and back again, with less effort.

I am reaching out to all of you to help keep me accountable.  Please send me any tips or questions you would like me to mention or write about.  It would be immensely appreciated.