A Start
It’s been a year or so since I made this tumblr.
The idea was to activate this blog as an English practice zone for me while still having fun with stuffs that I found interesting. But look at this hollow-dead-blank-and full of nothingness blog. Makes me wonder why I still keep it in the first place.
Maybe it was my inner motive back then that still haunting me until now. I wanted this blog to be my therapeutical exercises. Just a place to put my thoughts and as weird as it sounds, I want to feel good. Somehow anonymity brings comfort to me. When no one expect anything from you or know you enough to actually judge you. But then the thought of writing something in English made me kind of nervous. What if I sound stupid? What if everything I write makes zero sense, and other What Ifs kept floating around until I decided to put this blog-things on hold with an excuse that I need to improve my English first. When I had something to write I made another excuse and more excuses came after. Then something happened, I made some big mistakes in my real life that kind of affect my future. I’ve thought about writing my feelings out here couple times, but I was feeling really awful. The regret was so catastrophic that I was afraid to do anything even something as simple as writing on this ‘no one will ever read because you never write anything’ blog. After that I tried to tell myself that mistakes are lessons and needed at some points, just tried move on and i guess…live. I even took English course for real this time and still doing it.
Now, I feel better than before but still not quite content yet. It will probably takes longer to be sure with life or maybe I will never be sure perhaps life isn’t suppose to be sure at all. But at least I’m trying everyday, I’ve made some small goals and still trying to make new big goal. One of my small goals are to be able to express my self in writing and it’s a plus if I able to do it in English. So this is my first entry, a short one, but a start. I hope this can be a regular thing for me.
