A PROVOCATEUR'S TALE

WAY  [wey]

-NOUN

3. A METHOD, PLAN, OR MEANS FOR ATTAINING A GOAL:

THERE'S A WAY, I KNOW IT. I KNOW THAT SOMEDAY WE WILL SURELY FIND IT.

THERE'S AWAY. THERE'S A WAY. I KNOW IT.

MY APOLOGIES ON BEING MIA--LIFE CALLED.

ON THAT NOTE, YOU CAN TELL TUMBLR THE BITCH IS BACK. &I'M NOT REFERRING TO YOURS TRULY. NO, SURPRISINGLY NOT. BESIDES, I NEVER REALLY LEFT, I SIMPLY HAVE BEEN UNJUSTLY SUFFOCATED BY CARDINAL &GOLD. #FTFO

ANYWAY, THE NO. 1 BITCH I'M REFERRING TO IS E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I'VE NEVER MEANT ANYTHING MORE IN MY EXISTENCE. MEAN IT.

TWO WORDS. DOUBLE C'S. OUT OF CONTROL [OOC]. 

CHRISTINE CENTENERA. 

HERE SHE IS, AT FW, TRADING IN HER SIGNATURE AUBURN LOCKS FOR A LIGHTER 'DO THIS SPRING.

OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS I'VE CHRONICLED HER EVERY MOVE. EACH STREET LOOK. EACH PHOTO SHOOT. EACH FW. &NOT ONE DISAPPOINTMENT. 

HANDS DOWN--BADDEST B IN THE INDUSTRY. HER VISION &STYLE IS UNPARALLELED. 

WE DON'T MIND ALL THE WATCHING. BECAUSE, IF THEY STUDY CLOSE, REAL CLOSE, THEY MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING.

LOVE, LUST, ROMANCE--WHICHEVER IT IS THAT YOU CURRENTLY SHARE WITH A CERTAIN SOMEONE [OR SOMEONE(s)], IT ALL HAS BUT ONE LCD: #NOBODYSBUSINESS

#ITAINTNOBODYSBUSINESS

PEOPLE IN THE GREATER LA/BH AREA NEED TO LEARN THIS CONCEPT--TO MIND THEIR OWN. GRANTED, YOUR LOVE LIFE IS CLEARLY TENx MORE EXHILARATING THAN THEIRS, BUT IT DOESN'T CALL FOR THEM TO OPPOSE THAT WHICH YOU DO BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. THERE'S A REASON AS TO WHY THOSE DOUBLE DOORS ARE SHUT. &LOCKED. NON SI DISTURBI.

ASIDE FROM THE HOI POLLOI &THEIR IRRELEVANT OPINIONS, COME YOUR FRIENDS &THEIR BANTER AS TO HOW THE GUY(s) YOU'RE WITH IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE SINCE QUEEN BRIT &JT'S COORDINATED DENIM OUTFITS AT THE 2001 AMA'S. MAKE NO MISTAKE, THIS IS ROOTED IN THEIR NEED TO PROTECT YOU, AS IT VERY WELL SHOULD BE--CAN'T FAULT THEM FOR THAT. YET REGARDLESS AS TO HOW ANNOYING THEY ARE, THE ONLY THING THEY'RE GUILTY OF IS WANTING THE BEST FOR YOU--&THE BEST IS NOT HIM. &THIS MAY VERY WELL BE TRUE [HELL, WHO ARE WE KIDDING, IT UNDOUBTEDLY IS]. BUT THAT'S A JUDGEMENT CALL ONLY YOU ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE. IT'S YOUR LIFE. IT'S YOUR LATE-NIGHTS. IT'S YOUR AGENT PROVOCATEUR BEING PUT TO USE. THESE ARE YOUR DECISIONS--NOT ANYONE ELSE'S.

&WHILE EVERYONE IS, UNFORTUNATELY, UNDER THE FIRST AMENDMENT, ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN OPINION, IT SHOULDN'T BE FORCED ON YOU.

NOR SHOULD YOU HAVE TO HEAR IT A MILLION TIMES LIKE A GODDAMNED BROKEN RECORD, OR THAT GODFORSAKEN SONG CALL ME, MAYBE.

AT LEAST CARLY RAE JEPSEN DIDN'T WIN THE GRAMMY THIS YEAR, &SHE GIVES YOU A CHOICE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT TO CALL HER. OUR FRIENDS WITH THEIR ADVICE ON THE OTHER HAND? NOT SO MUCH OF A CHOICE. IT'S FORCED ONTO US LIKE THE PRE-WMC DIETS THAT ARE HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE TO AVOID. (UNLESS YOU WERE BORN KARLIE KLOSS OR CARA DELEVINGNE, WHICH YOU WEREN'T--SO, PUT THOSE WHITE CHOCOLATE COVERED GUMMY BEARS AWAY. NOW.)

AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU YOURSELF HAVE TO DECIDE HOW MUCH SIN YOU CAN LIVE WITH.

KATE MOSS NOSE THIS ALL TOO WELL...

NIGHT TIME, SYMPATHIZE. I'VE BEEN WORKING ON WHITE LIES.

STEADY WALKING BUT BOUND TO TRIP, I SHOULD RELEASE BUT I JUST TIGHTEN MY GRIP. IN THE END, I JUST HOPE MY WORDS KEEP US TOGETHER.

HAPPY TWENTY ELEVEN! I KNOW, I KNOW, RATHER BELATED BUT IT HAS BEEN A BUSY &RELATIVELY SLEEPLESS MONTH.

UNFORTUNATELY, LAST YEAR, I WAS SOMEWHAT SIDETRACKED BY A BROKEN HEART. MY SOLE MISSION FOR 2010 WAS TO SIMPLY NOT DIE FROM A DIABETIC COMA AS A RESULT OF CURATING SAID BROKEN HEART WITH HEAVY DOSES OF SUGAR.

CLEARLY, I SUCCEEDED. &WITHOUT EXCESS WEIGHT TO PROVE IT. 

WHAT HAS COME OUT OF THE PAST 395 DAYS?

LEARNING THAT THERE IS AN UNDENIABLE MATHEMATICAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ATTRACTION &REPULSION. LUCKILY 2011 HAS ONLY HAD POSITIVE INTERGERS SURFACE FROM MY CURRENT EQUATIONS.

GOD KNOWS I HAVE A FAKE LAUGH WITH 2010'S NAME ALL OVER IT. BUT 2011? NOT SO SURE.

CHRISTMAS DAY IN L.A.! FIRST &FOREMOST, THE WEATHER THAT A FEW DAYS AGO WAS BEYOND FRIGHTFUL HAS INEXPLICABLY TURNED INTO SOMETHING DELIGHTFUL! BUT, AS GREAT OF AN EARLY GIFT AS THAT IS TO US, THERE WOULD BE NOTHING BETTER THAN KOBE DROPPING 81+ ON LEBRON'S TEAM TODAY.

I'M AWARE THAT THE FIFTH COMMANDMENT STATES 'THOU SHALT NOT KILL' BUT LET IT BE KNOWN THAT IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS THE LAKERS WILL INEVITABLY MURDER BOSH, JAMES &WADE.

DECEMBER 25, 2010 WILL FOREVER BE REMEMBERED AS THE HEAT DAY MASSACRE.....AT LEAST IF THERE'S ANYTHING KOBE, FISH, GASOL, PHIL, LAMAR, BYNUM, ARTEST, JACK NICHOLSON &THE KILLER B'S [BLAKE, BROWN, BARNES] HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT.

[EVERYONE REMEMBERS LAST YEARS' GODAWFUL LOSS TO THE CAVALIERS. &THAT SHIT WON'T GO DOWN AGAIN. THIS IS THE FUCKING LAKESHOW, BUT WE WON'T BE THE ONES DROWNING THIS TIME THOUGH!]

NOW, MOVING ONTO THIS GOD OF THE UNIVERSE:

BLACK MAMBA > ATTACK CONQUER > BASKETBALL BEAST

HE'S THE BEST PLAYER IN THE GAME, IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE. THERE IS NOTHING THAT KOBE BRYANT CAN'T DO. HE WILL DEFEND YOUR BEST PLAYER, HE WILL SHOOT FROM THE PERIMETER, HE WILL GET ALL IN YOUR MUG. HE WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. HE IS THE MOST COMPLETE BASKETBALL PLAYER IN THE WORLD TODAY--BAR NONE. HE HAS AN ASSASSIN'S MENTALITY. WHO'S STARVING MORE FOR AN NBA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP MORE THAN KOBE BRYANT? THERE IS NO ONE.

HE'S STARVING FOR VICTORY, &THAT MEANS HE'S GOING TO EAT.

[&BY THAT I MEAN THE HEAT.]

KOBE'S THE BEST,

DON'T WORRY LEBRON--GET 'EM NEXT YEAR.

THIS RAIN IS A TOTAL TUMOR ON THE ASS OF MY EXISTENCE. US LOS ANGELEAN'S DON'T FANCY DOWNPOURS OF CATS &DOGS; IT'S FOREIGN, FUCKS UP OUR CARWASHES, &PREVENTS US FROM SITTING OUTSIDE AT LA SCALA.

WE ONLY LIKE A FEW THINGS WET AROUND HERE...A LIST THAT CERTAINLY DOES NOT INCLUDE A FLOODED SUNSET OR WILSHIRE BLVD.

LAST WEEK I DESERTED MY DATE FOR A CUPCAKE FOOD TRUCK CONVENIENTLY POSTED OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR TO THE EVENT I HAD ATTENDED. IT WAS CALLING MY NAME [HOW CAN A CUPCAKE NOT SEEM IRRESISTABLE AFTER A TEQUILA POMEGRANATE SUNRISE? IT CAN’T NOT].

‘RUNAWAY BRIDE’ SEEMS SO PASSE WHEN ‘RUNAWAY DATE’ IS SO MUCH MORE AU COURANT. I GUESS I JUST HAVEN’T DECIDED HOW MUCH LONGER TO TEASE HIM.

IT IS NO SECRET THOUGH THAT I’LL ALWAYS PICK GOOD FOOD OVER A MAN. I COULD NEVER DATE SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T HAVE AT LEAST A MODICUM OF CONSIDERATION FOR THE CULINARY. BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, AN EPICUREAN IS HARD TO COME BY.

INFACT, ONE OF MY LAST ENCOUNTERS WITH AN UNGASTRONOMOUS GUY INVOLVED SAID PERSONA ORDERING A REGULAR CHEESEBURGER AT A GOURMET RESTAURANT WHOSE MENU BOASTS A DELICIOUS RANGE OF INGREDIENTS--FROM BURRATA, PRELIBATO GORGONZOLA, &CRESCENZA TO PROSCIUTTO. &HE POMPOUSLY CHOSE AN ORDINARY CHEESEBURGER. KEY WORD: POMPOUSLY. MY JAW DROPPED, I WAS INSULTED.

THAT NIGHTMARE OF AN OUTTING STILL MANAGES TO HAUNT ME. BUT RATHER THAN COUNTING SHEEP BEFORE I GO TO BED, I PREFER COUNTING THESE.

IN THE MIDST OF WHAT HAS BECOME AN EPOCHAL PANDEMONIUM UNLEASHED BY SEPERATE WMC/UMF DATES [LEAVING THOUSANDS OF MUSIC ENTHUSIASTS WITH AN UNNECESSARY ALBATROSS THEY WERE CERTAINLY NOT EXPECTING TO BE FACED WITH], ONE OF THE DELICIOUSLY SCRUFFY MEN FROM SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA MADE A GALLANT OFFER...&GARGANTUAN 'FUCK YOU' TO BOTH WMC/ULTRA ASSOCs &DATE ALTERATIONS: A 10+ HOUR PARTY DURING UMF WEEKEND, SURE TO HEIGHTEN ALL CARNAL IMPULSES IN THE 305.

IT ONCE CAPTIVATED IBIZA. IT RECENTLY CONSUMED LAS VEGAS &ITS SINS.

BUT....

THIS IS NOT BANGKOK. THIS IS NOT MILANO. THIS IS NOT NEW YORK. THIS IS NOT CHICAGO. THIS IS NOT HONG KONG. THIS IS NOT HELSINKI. THIS IS NOT LONDON. THIS IS NOT IBIZA. THIS IS NOT COLOGNE. THIS IS NOT OSAKA. THIS IS NOT LISBON. THIS IS NOT SAO PAULO. THIS IS NOT TORONTO. THIS IS NOT PRAGUE. THIS IS NOT JAKARTA. THIS IS NOT L.A., THIS IS NOT MONACO, THIS IS NOT BOMBAY. THIS IS NOT VIENNA. THIS IS NOT SHANGHAI. THIS IS NOT LAS VEGAS. THIS IS NOT DUBAI. THIS IS NOT ATHENA. THIS IS NOT GENEVA. THIS IS NOT TOKYO. THIS IS NOT PARIS. THIS IS NOT BEIRUT.

THIS

IS

MIAMI

&SO, TAKING OVER CONTROL OF PARADISE CITY IN ITS ENTIRETY, THE RETURN OF THE MASQUERADE MOTEL,

"WHERE YOU CHECK IN, &BE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. JUST LET SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING....MASKS ON PLEASE."

...WHY? BECAUSE THAT'S STANDARD PROCEDURE IN MIAMI. THIS IS WHY MIAMI IS FOR YOU. SO LET'S TRY &MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

YES, A COCKTAIL OF MONSIEUR CHRISTIAN &AGENT PROVOCATEUR.

...WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO PLEASE TELL YOU THERE IS AN EXPLANATION THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE THE APOCALYPSE?

I MEANNNNNN, THE APOCALYPTIC CAN BE SUBJECTIVE--EITHER PROPHETIC OR CATASTROPHIC. BUT, SEEING AS THIS HOLISTIC UNION MANIFESTED ITSELF IN NOVEMBER OF '09, I'LL DEFINITELY BET MY CHINCHILLY-DIPPED FINGERS ON THE AFFORMENTIONED OF THE TWO.

WE'RE ALL ULTIMATELY STILL HERE A YEAR LATER, ARE WE NOT? PLANET EARTH MANAGES TO KEEP SPINNING ON ITS AXIS WHILE, DAY IN &NIGHT OUT, WE LIGHT FIRES IN OUR NEW LOUBS; HOPING THAT OUR SOLES DON'T BURN TO THE FLOOR.