I'm working on myself...

“it’s okay mary. while i fully believe brooms are rather sentient, much like wands, just apologize to it and try again.” she realized she might seem crazy, but she’d learned so much working with her own brooms over the years, she cherished and took care of each and every one, like some people did their cats or owls.

“Uhh,” Mary hesitated, unsure how to actually apologize to a broom without sounding like she had lost her marbles, “I’m...sorry?” Looking back to Emma, she gave an uncomfortable forced smile. With a long inhale in, and a short exhale out, Mary repeated the command and held her hand out for the broom. When it raised swiftly into her hand, she was able to wrap her fingers around it this time without fault. Shocked, all she could do was look at Emma with large eyes and a small yelp.

“not happening, mary” shrugging as a smile tugged at his lips, “you can try all you want, but it’s something so atrocious, that a normal person, with a very normal name would never guess” his parents surely had some sort of resentment when they named him that – then again, he suppose it was better than gaidic or fortunade - actual contenders according to his mum. cocking a brow as the girl called him different, “you have no idea–” he muttered, he couldn’t even begin to explain how much he despised their legacy or well – the expectation of it. 

“why would i be mean to you? you haven’t given me a reason to be mean” the answer was honest as he spared a look at his table, “a few pricks isn’t a reflection of an entire house–” he had heard about what was done to the girl and he couldn’t deny that he was disgusted by it - was there nothing better to do than bother someone who clearly didn’t want a fight? there was a reason why he kept a distance. he couldn’t hide the smirk that was beginning to toy at his lips as cocked a brow, “are you sure? i felt the conviction – can’t say that i would mind” 

Mary jokingly narrowed her eyes at Rabastan in mock offense. “Are you saying my name is boring, Rabastan? We can’t all have names that sound like some medieval night who saves princesses or some crap like that,” she snorted, bumping him with her shoulder.

Andromeda recognized a panic attack when she saw one. She knew that Mary was suffering, but she wasn’t sure what she could do that could help. If she came any closer, she knew that Mary would get scared and run off. She’d feel like she was suffocating. Andromeda knew how she was feeling.  For now - the best she could do was stand there and just be there for the girl if she should need her. She cleaned up the room to make sure it looked like nothing had occurred. Now - nothing was out of place other than the two of them. 

“It’s okay,” Andromeda reassured Mary quietly, her dark eyes trained on the blonde. “Just take a couple of deep breaths and try to relax. I know it’s easier said than done.” She quieted when Mary began to speak to tell her what was wrong. She gathered that it wasn’t 100% the truth, but why would Mary confide in someone she barely knew? “I’m sorry to hear that. But I know what it’s like. If you ever need someone to talk to or just listen… I’m here.” 

Mary looked around frantically, but  seeing her destruction removed was...helpful. The world seemed to calm for a moment and she could ground herself again. She was at Hogwarts. She was in the kitchen. Andromeda was standing before her, unharmed. Her eyes still looked wild and beads of sweat lined her forehead, but she was beginning to grab air and keep it.

“I... wouldn’t even know where to start,” she admitted, stepping back until there was a wall behind her - solid and supporting. “I wasn’t originally prone to panic attacks or... any of this. It just...started.”

“No”, she told the girl a bit too enthusiastic perhaps. “No, no, no. You’re reading too much into it.” It wasn’t a complete lie. After all, she didn’t think Mary was a freak. And neither would Lily or Remus she was sure. “It was just some slytherins. Don’t let that you effect you. They’re assholes to everyone.”

“I... I can’t keep myself calm. Marlene, I’m a ticking time bomb,” she whispered, unable to keep it to herself after she had hurt one of her best friends. It was everything she had never wanted to do and everything her parents had accused her of doing.

The moment that Andromeda sensed panic in Mary, she stopped in her tracks. The last thing that she wanted to do was to make her anymore scared. She didn’t know what the blonde was going through, but she couldn’t imagine that it was anything less than terrifying. 

Andromeda looked around the room at the destruction, before flicking her wand and within moments everything around them began to repair itself as if nothing had happened. Her dark eyes narrowed at Mary, but she knew not to push too much. “Are you sure?” She asked. “You don’t have to talk about it, but sometimes it helps. I won’t tell anyone.” 

Every breath was almost painful. It was shaky and felt like the air wasn’t completely making it into her lungs. No matter how she tried to control it, she couldn’t normalize it. She couldn’t regulate the way her chest was shaking or the way her pulse seemed to be unable to find a steady rhythm. It was as if someone had amplified her fear tenfold. She was a trapped rat in a cage.

“I...” Did she want to talk about it? She didn’t. When she had talked to Leo, he threatened her. Professors or worse. There had to be another way to talk about it without making it obvious what was actually happening. Just enough of the truth that it wasn’t outed as an entire lie. “Things have been difficult at home and I guess it is just getting to me,” she responded, coming up with a half truth.

Marlene had been thrown back at least ten feet, first landing on her ass, then sliding another five on her back. So yeah, it hurt like hell. But she’d be damned if she let the girl know. Trying her best to hide the wince as she sat up, Marls tried to reassure Mary with a smile. “Ah it’s nothing”, she told the other. “Hell it tickled compared to some of the hit’s I’d gotten in quidditch.” Looking over to her roommate, Marley tried to piece together what had just transpired. “So, don’t take this the wrong why but, what the hell just happened in there?”

There was no way Marlene wasn’t hurt at all, but Mary appreciated the sentiment. Her hands were practically shaking. For a moment, she reached out to her friend but decided against it. “I just got overwhelmed,” she insisted, “I’m sure everyone thinks I’m a freak now, don’t they?”

Violence wasn’t something that surprised Andromeda. She witnessed it a couple of times from her father as she grew up. Times when he got angry and lost his temper. Times when books would go flying off the shelf in the Black manor. Others when plates would break. She was used to picking up the pieces. She knew how to be careful in these situations. That was why she was quiet, but made sure that her presence was known to Mary. She didn’t know what exactly was going on with the blonde, but she could tell that she was scared. Andromeda wanted to let her know that she was there for her should she need someone. 

“No!” Andromeda said quickly, shaking her head to show that she wasn’t hurt. The last thing that she wanted was for Mary to feel guilt for whatever was going on. This wasn’t her fault. It couldn’t be. The brunette took a step closer, before asking, “How can I help? Do you want to talk?” 

It took everything Mary had to hold her ground in that moment. Desperately, she wanted to put further distance between the two bodies. The closer Andromeda got, the greater the danger Mary was to her. Thankfully the shock of seeing someone else had given her just enough time to breathe from the torture within her. 

Thankfully, Andromeda was quick to exclaim her safety. That was what she needed right now - calm. “I...” Mary hesitated, looking around at all the destruction she had caused. There were broken plates everywhere and shards of glass. It looked like there had been an explosion, not just little muggleborn Mary. “I don’t know,” she finally admitted, shuddering as the magic continued to flow within her. “I’m fine. Yeah. I’m good now,” she began to insist.

“then leave.” he said without humor. it wasn’t his goal to have her run off but a student running around with out of control magic, that couldn’t be left alone. “because if you don’t go to someone, i will. i’ve said it enough times. you’re a danger to yourself and others. why not ask pomfrey for help? she ins’t a professor and she’ll probably have the best luck in doing something useful AND protecting you, as it seems she already has.” he’d make the one suggestion and then he’d leave it alone. he wasn’t there to be a shoulder to cry on, he wasn’t sure he could do that for anyone let alone mary. if he had to be the bad guy to protect the school then he would because the alternative was getting sent home and home was a much more dangerous place right now. 

“you have to take back ownership of it, our emotions have an enormous impact on our abilities and yours are — well for lack of a better word, damaged. but you keep taking it so personally, you can’t or no amount of talk will make a difference.” he’d never been good at giving advice and even now he felt more harsh than helpful. leo couldn’t answer to what mulciber had done, he didn’t know the magic used but he could guess. “you know you need help, so do the right thing.” he didn’t know what the right thing was but he knew the wrong thing was her trying to hide this.

Then leave. His words rang in her ear like the truth. Everyone would be better off if she was gone, but what then? It was still necessary for Mary to figure out how to control her unwanted surge of magic. Even if she went and hid in a cave for the rest of her life, she was still a danger to every animal around her. This conversation needed to be other, though. It wasn’t something she could handle any further. All she wanted to do was go and rest. “That sounds like a good idea,” she lied. Although once a terrible liar, something had changed within her and she had become astoundingly good at it. Whether or not she would fool him was a different story.

“I’m tired,” she proclaimed, ready to be away from him. He wasn’t making her feel any better, not that he was trying to. She knew that. Yet, the energy just seemed to be drained from her body and all she wished for was her bed and a pair of closed eyes. Standing up, she took a deep breath, and prepared her leave.

emma thought about it for a moment and she knew mary was apprehensive so maybe it would be good to go slower than slow. “alright, if you’d prefer that. just let it go and call it to your hand again.”

With a nod, Mary let the broom drop back to the ground. It bounced a moment before settling. “Oh, darn it, I should’ve set it down, not drop it, I’m sorry!” she immediately squeaked, obviously totally distracted within her head at the moment.

Marls had barely been paying attention in class. Though her grades hardly reflected her skills, charms nearly bored her to tears seeing as they happened to come naturally to her. Even the non verbal aspect. Unfortunately it was the only class she could sleep her way through and pass. So instead of paying attention to what was going on in the classroom, Marlene spent her nose stuck in a transfiguration book. Her poor attempt at trying not to flunk her quiz next period. It wasn’t until things started to explode did she truly give anything outside of her textbook much thought.

She looked up and seeing her blonde roommate in front of everyone made her heart sink. “Fuck me”, the American mumbled shutting her book with a snap.  Marls stood, planning on making her way towards her roommate when there was another explosion. Though she cringed, the blonde seemed to be the only one making her way towards the distressed girl. “Mare”, she called out as she pushed her way through the crowd. “Mary!”

“She’s a freak.” “Who ever let her into Hogwarts.” “That’s what happens when you let mudbloods have a wand.”

Marley’s head snapped back to her peers who were muttering such terrible things about her friend. And oh, if looks could kill. Every single one of the murmuring student would have hit he floor faster then if she’d cast the killing curse. There were a few chortles from a few other student that took Marlene’s focus off the bullies and caused her to turn her attention back to Mary, but she wasn’t there. Fucks sake, she thought to herself before taking off after her roommate.

It didn’t take long for her to locate the witch. All she had to do was follow the path of destruction, and with Mary’s shriek Marls was able to zero in on her. “Mary”, she called out, rushing towards her. She took her hands and placed them on either side of Mary’s face, forcing her to look at her in hopes the familiar presence could calm the witch. “Hey, hey, what’s going on? Are you ok?”

Touching Mary during this moment was probably one of the worst things Marlene could have done. In her moment of panic, she was hardly able to recognize her own best friend as not being a threat. Instead of feeling familiar, as was intended, it felt like a threat and put Mary in a worse position than she was already. “No!” she shrieked, energy bursting forth and knocking Marlene back onto her backside.

It took another two seconds, but recognition then flashed in front of Mary’s eyes. A second later, that recognition was changed into pure fear and horror. Mary had shoved Marlene backwards with no regards toward safety or what she was doing. The magic had simply leaped forward. “Marlene!” she cried out, dropping to the floor beside her best friend, “Did I hurt you?”

James furrowed her brows as he regarded her for just a moment; he hadn’t missed the slightly startled expression he elicited from her when he spoke, almost as if she was on edge with the way her eyes grown wider before she relaxed. “You ever thought about what a weird expression that actually is?” He mused out loud as he fell into step beside her. “Rainy days are actually a bit miserable, if you think about it. You sure you’re doing okay?” He paused for a moment, before nudging her lightly with his arm as he sent her a smile. “I’m Head Boy now and I regret to inform you that this means it’s actually against the law to lie to me.”

“Well, that depends on your point of view. Rainy days are when beds of water finally grow. Plants too. Plenty of animals find their best meals when it rains too,” she contradicted him, shrugging her shoulders, “So it all changes depending on how you look at it.” When he nudged her, she gave him a soft smile. It quickly turned into a laugh when he brought up being Head Boy. “Are you sure there wasn’t just some error on the headmasters part? I mean, no offense, but you’re more likely to give the head boy hell than give hell as the head boy. You’re not exactly a rule follower,” she teased him, ignoring his question entirely.

Andromeda couldn’t focus upon her lessons. Her mind was elsewhere. She thought about how stupid she was to think that she could ever be happy. How fleeting that thought had been. How the letters in her trunk made her heart flutter in her chest. The thought had lasted seconds before the owl arrived from her parents informing her of her impending betrothal to Amycus. There were worse people. She could admit that. But he wasn’t whom she wanted. In fact, Andromeda wasn’t sure what she wanted. She was afraid to say it out loud because the mere thought had ruined any shred of happiness she’d housed. Who knew what admitting it could do? 

It seemed that this was the wrong day not to be paying attention, however, and her attention snapped up when she heard a few gasps from the students around her accompanied by the sound of things around her exploding. What the hell was going on? The brunette looked quickly around her before catching a glimpse of blonde hair running out of the classroom. Andromeda knew that it probably wasn’t the safest idea she’d ever had, but she got up and followed, assuring McGonagall that as a prefect and a girl she could handle it.

She followed the destruction through the halls, a bit of anxiety in the pit of her stomach. She had the feeling that Mary wouldn’t be so keen to talking, but if it was her, she wouldn’t want to be alone. Not that she was sure what exactly was going on. Andromeda found Mary finally in the kitchen with broken plates on the floor. She kept her distance but focused her gaze upon the blonde, a worried expression on her face. 

“I’d ask if you were alright, but that’s a stupid question,” Andromeda murmured lowly, before continuing, “Tell me what you want me to do. Tell me how I can help.” 

She screamed, clutching her stomach as if the sound was ripping from her midsection instead of her mouth. It was if magic had replaced the blood and she could feel it wriggling its way through her body, insisting exploding out of her in violent fits. All of her extremities ached, needing to let all of this energy out. When everything exploded, it helped release some of the energy. The desire to be destructive was there, and probably always would be, but she could handle it for a small moment. 

That was, until she realized she wasn’t alone and her little show of aggression had not been a private viewing. “Andromeda!” she squeaked out, the word coming out like a quiet scream. Sweat lined her hairline, hair wild, face red, and heart thumping so loudly she was sure people could hear it miles away. Through her heavy breathing, she pushed her hair out of her face. “Did I hurt you? Did it hit you?” Mary looked all around her, the mess she had caused. Oh please don’t have let it hit her. With everything else going on, she didn’t think she could handle that.

she admired the fortitude of mary, how demoralized she was versus how hard she was trying. she clapped happily as mary caught the broom, even if it was just barely. “of course that counts, you’re holding it, aren’t you?” she was delighted, feeling like a good coach. “now this broom has been spelled to only lift five feet off the ground max and to go pretty slow, it’s a good training broom for new flyers so don’t be afraid to mount it now.” a lot of broom jargon sounded dirty, it used to make emma laugh when she was younger. 

Yes, she was holding it, but she had to adjust her grip to keep from dropping it. There was no natural to her movement. No one was going to be calling her a natural born flyer any time soon. “M-mount? Oh come on, Emma, shouldn’t I master getting it into my hand without knocking myself out first?” she tried to rationalize, doing anything she could to avoid actually getting onto the broom.

“oh merlin NO – it’s actually fal–” eyes widening for a second before he stopped himself. falco was what he was going to say, but he made a habit of keeping the embarrassing middle name to himself, “you don’t need to know” he assured, trying to run far from the topic. he was more amused by her reaction to their elf situation, as if she was trying to be polite, “oh, you can say it - it’s unnecessary and awful” he offered, he wasn’t a strong advocate for elf runs nor was he going on protest, but he couldn’t deny that he wanted more for winksie. 

“just an observation - you seemed to eager to play with fire” cocking a brow as he started walking, “come on, give yourself credit. i knew your name, that has to count for something and come on, if you loathe yourself so LOUDLY, i’m going to have to be nice to you –” he teased quietly, he could hear the self-disdain in her words and he couldn’t help but wonder what the catalyst was. laugher spilled from his lips as he gave her a look, “well, i’d look great in christmas colours, but i understand - not all can pull it off”

His immediate quieting about his middle name turned on her curiosity. “Fal--lon? Falll-kner? Fallows? I’m not dropping this, Rabastan,” she promised him, giving him a side look that assured it was all lighthearted. Going back to the elf conversation made her wince, though. It was unnecessary. It was awful. All of it sounded ridiculous to even begin to think an intelligent creature was so far beneath one’s own self. Then again, there were plenty who thought Mary was beneath them just due to blood. In some ways, she could sympathize. “You’re different, Rabastan,” she mused, though skeptically, as if she didn’t quite believe it. 

“I’m afraid I did take it personally… But that’s just me, I suppose.” She felt silly for how upset she had gotten, although she still felt it. She wanted to be happy that Mary said she would make an effort, but for some reason she still felt the hurt. Then Mary’s words stung her, when they really shouldn’t have. ‘Not slumber party close’… She knew that. Of course she knew they weren’t close like that. But she had wanted to be, at the start. Making friends seemed so easy for others, but for Dorcas it seemed impossible. It was as if people had decided not to like her before they had even given her a chance, and it seemed no matter how hard she tried to push her way in with others they would always push her right back out. She never managed to get in with Mary, or anybody for that matter, the way she wished she could. Dorcas might find some lingering resentment for that if she looked deep down. “I guess I just hated being ignored.”

Mary sighed. Her patience was wearing out in a way she wasn’t accustomed to, but she couldn’t offer more than words. Touching people was difficult right now, especially someone who was already frustrated with her. The last thing she needed was that extra energy. “I’m not purposefully ignoring anyone, Dorcas,” she reassured the girl again, “But right now, I really do have to get to class. So, I’m glad we cleared this up, right?”

“it doesn’t matter that you’re working on it, you’re doing a, and no offense, piss poor job if vases are exploding and pillars are cracking any time you feel angry or sad or pressured. that just isn’t good enough and you know it.” he was being harsh but he felt he had to be, he couldn’t let her walk away thinking she could handle this on her own. “and vices are just fine for people whose magic isn’t out of control, drinking alcohol and having sex won’t solve the problem mary, that’ll probably only make you more volatile or emotionally unstable and it isn’t a criticism of who you are as a person only what you’re going through demands help.” he didn’t know how he could be more clear. 

for a moment he thought about what she’d said, about the impact the death eaters had had on people like her. did they all think they were unworthy of their magic? and if they were truly unworthy would they have magic in the first place? he had begun asking questions like that of himself recently, to suss out what he believed from what he’d been taught growing up. and personally, he didn’t think mary was unworthy, or being punished somehow for being muggleborn. “you went throught a trauma, that doesn’t make you unworthy of your magic. but you can’t allow yourself to let it get out of control, you have to ask for help.” who was he right now?

Mary couldn’t help it. A pout appeared on her lips as she turned to face him. “It was an ugly ass vase anyways that needed to be shattered,” she huffed, just exhausted, “And it’s not every time, or it would’ve happened from embarrassment when I fell down the stairs. It’s just... in certain moments... There has to be something else that can be done besides going to the professors. I won’t go to them, Leo. I’ll leave. If you cannot swear to me you’ll keep this between us, I’ll be gone tomorrow.” Although the start of her huffing had been childish and almost with dark humor, she meant what she said at the end. To her, none of the professors were worth trusting. They didn’t protect her the first time. They wouldn’t protect her this time. End of story.

Looking down at her own hands, she bit down on her lip. “It doesn’t feel like my magic right now. It feels like something’s constantly trying to break free from me. I used to be secretly scared of everyone - that I’d be exposed as a fraud... someone who can’t master magic. Now look... I’m more dangerous than over half this school... not that I’ve mastered anything. Why doesn’t it feel like mine? What did he do to me?” 

the fears she spoke of were so unfounded, in what world did she think she resided because the magical world — it was a mess but hogwarts had always been a supposed safe haven. still, after her attack and them not kicking mulciber out he could understand why she wouldn’t trust them to help her. but he didn’t know how to comfort her, he had never had to help someone like this before and everything he tried she threw back in his face. 

he thought of a few things but did none of them, instead sitting near her, but not quite beside her, on the steps. he wasn’t afraid of her, even if she interpreted his distance that way. no, he knew she didn’t like him so he wanted to keep his distance to make her more comfortable. “you can’t do this on your own though, look at what happened here.” the floor was covered in pieces of vase and a cracked pillar. it could have been worse and it was only going to get worse if she tried to keep it in. “didn’t you feel better when you released it? keeping it in isn’t helping you.” he tried to sound more gentle, wondering if he’d succeeded.

In reality, she had no safe haven. There wasn’t someone truly protecting her. The adults around her had all failed. Her only option at this point, that she could see clearly, was taking matters into her own hand. Perhaps that was why she was so hesitant to take on any help from Leo. Any help she had previously accepted had ultimately only succeeded in making everything worse.

Looking over at Leo, she all but winced. “I’m working on it,” she tried to assure him again, “I’ll..I’ll go for runs, I’ll drink alcohol, I’ll... I don’t know have sex or something. Whatever everyone else’s vices are that help them cope with everything. I can practice my magic away from everyone else. Everyone has shit they have to deal with. Mine is just... a little louder than others.” Mary glanced over her shoulder at the vase, setting her face sharp. “Or maybe this is what I actually get for being a muggleborn. Maybe I’m not supposed to have magic,” she almost whispered, sick at saying it but it wasn’t a lie. Many days, she felt that way.