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“No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality”
— Shirley Jackson, The Haunting of Hill House
Had a wholesome idea for a while:A ragtag team of villains find a child and collectively decide that raising it is somehow a good idea.The hero is freaking out because the villains have a kid but the kid is having the time of their lives.
I started writing this... SIX hours ago! Oh well ^^’
“Hurry up,” Leader hissed. “Van’s around the corner.”
The villains followed behind them, their arms full of valuables. They rushed to the van and quickly lined up to get into the van, with the Leader helping them up the step.
There was only Villain1 left to put their things in.
Only they felt a snag on the things they opened. When they looked down, they only just a glimpse of a shadow fleeing around the corner.
“Hey!” they exclaimed. They dropped the stuff on the van floor and went chasing after them.
“[Villain1], wait!” Leader exclaimed, but they were already chasing after the thief. Villain2 left the van to chase after them. “I’ll get them.”
A child Villain1 quickly realised. Damnit, they were chasing a kid!
They managed to chase the kid into a dead end. “Gotchya! Come on, kid, hand it over, I’m not going to hurt ya.”
Villain1 got closer and closer, but at the last second Kid ducked down and went between Villain1’s legs.
“Hey! Get back here!” Villain1 was willing to start running again, but as the kid rounded the corner, they bumped into Villain2, a massive brute over six foot tall. They bounced off their stomach and landed on the floor. “Woah there little magpie. What have you got there?” Villain2 smiled heartedly. The villains surrounded them with curious expressions. The Leader caught up to them. “What the hell are you playing at-”
They paused seeing the child glaring at them with the valuable clenched in their fist.
Leader rolled their eyes. “Go home, kid. These streets are too dangerous.”
“I don’t have one,” they answered flatly.
Leader’s shoulders slumped. “You… you don’t?”
They shook their head. The three villains paused, hearing sirens.
“We… we should go,” Villain1 said. “we don’t have time.”
Leader sighed. “Bring them with us so they don’t get in trouble. Come on, kid.”
The villain’s led them back to the van and helped them inside. “We’ve got an extra. Budge over and make space for them.”
---
The kid sat gawking at them for a solid half an hour, overwhelmed by the villains in front of them. Most of the villain’s couldn’t help but smile, but others were too on edge to play them much attention.
“You don’t need to be scared, kid,” Leader said. “We’re not going to hurt you. But it’s a long trip back, you may as well get comfortable.”
It didn’t take long for them to fall asleep against Villain2’s side. Villain2 kept an arm around them to stop them falling, and Leader had put their coat over them to keep them warm.
“So,” Villain2 whispered. “What do we do with the kid? I can’t just put them on the streets… it’s dangerous for someone that young.”
The others thought hard. “There might be a good orphanage, but it’s way too much of a risk. I can’t bring myself to put a kid in there,” Villain3 said.
“But then.. What?” Villain2 asked, sounding a little lost.
“We could always look after them? How hard can it be?” Villain1 asked. Usually, most of Villain1’s suggestions were met with disapproval and a smack around the back of the head for their stupidity, but not this time. There were no arguments, only nods.
“I think we could do it. [Hero] has failed them, that doesn’t mean we have to,” Villain2 said.
Leader nodded. “I’ll ask when they wake up-”
The kid suddenly sits up. “Y.you will?! Really?!”
The villains laughed, even the nervous ones.
“Sure thing kid. You need somewhere to stay,” Leader said.
“Can I be a Villain too?”
“You can be our super-duper… uh, apprentice of mischief!” Villain1 supplied.
“I’ll grow up to be the bestest Villain ever!” The kid declared.
“I’m sure you will, little magpie.” Villain2 ruffled their hair.
----
It didn’t take long for Hero to find out about the kid that would sit in the villain’s van. No one had been able to identify the child, so Hero couldn’t help but fear that they had been kidnapped and were being roped around as a hostage. They broke into the base one night, ready to fight tooth and nail to save this kid.
Only Hero accidentally burst into a meeting room, full of villains. The child in question was sitting on Villain2’s shoulders. Every Villain drew their weapons, ready to fight. Hero wasn’t prepared for so many.
“Come with me kid, we have to get you somewhere safe.”
“Come and get me!” The kid retorted.
Hero furrowed their brow and stepped forward. Leader rushed in front of Villain2 and Hero.
“Hey, hey, easy! Get out of here, [Hero]. The kids ours. We look after them. They’re safer now than they ever were- and I’m sorry, but you’ll have to fight us to the death to take them from us.” The kid stuck their tongue out.
Hero had never been so confused in their entire life. “Look I’m happy the kid has found somewhere and all, but I can’t just leave a kid with a group of villains!”
Villain2 answered. “Well, you are. Now go. We’re their family now.”
Hero fumbled over their words. They looked at the villain’s willing to fight for this child. There was no way they were going to be able to get them, and the kid looked to happy to tear away from the closest thing they had to family.
Hero scowled. “I expect to see this child in school-”
“Yeah yeah,” Villain1 sighed.
“And I’ll be checking on them,” Hero added.
“We get it now scram, we’ll let you out this time,” Leader said.
The kid made finger guns, Hero smirked and put their hands up. “Alright, you guys win, ” They left and kid shouted “you better run!”
“Oh boy,” Hero mumbled. This city had just made a new, although small enemy and Hero could only smile.
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