My Life

So all in all, it’s better here. Just need to get her sleeping better and not on me.

Explains why she’s 2 months old and hasn’t gained any weight. She’s still 11 lbs. I guess we’ll see what she’s like, weight wise, in 2 weeks. And go from there. But man oh man, they say they grow out of the colicky phase by about 6 months.... can I make it that long?!?

I think makennas reflux meds have slowed in working. She’s back to spitting up and being grouchy. So back to the dr we go.

I didn’t think my life would feel complete. But it does. She was my missing piece. Yes it’s hard at times but I wouldn’t change any of my kids for anything.

What is the point in pumping medication into Makenna when it doesn’t seem to be doing any good? She puked last night and again today. It’s so hard to watch your baby struggle. Puking scares her.

Well. I am officially classifying myself as stupid. Why else would I keep setting myself up to get hurt. I did it with E and with my SO, I don't know anymore. I can't tell my SO anything. Nothing. I need to remember to keep things to my chest and not let people in. Giving chances and stuff doesn't work. I end up getting hurt in the process. E says me and J are sleeping together. Never further from the truth. She's on the warpath. I honestly thought that she was coming around. That she might want to talk. But I was once again setting myself up to get dumped on. Never mind that I was hurt, that I worry about her. With SO, dad, mom, E, all of them. I just keep going back for more pain and abuse.

I didn't think I'd be here. I thought I'd still have you as a friend and still have you in my life, but that's not the case. In all the time we spent together, as a group and a partnership, I didn't see us here. I didn't see it coming at all, and I was duped. I worry about you still, I wonder about you. I hope you are happy and healthy. I still think of things and smile. Or I think "I need to tell her something" and go to pick up the phone to tell you, but I remember I can't. Or go to stop by and realize, oops. What are you doing. Can I let go? Do I want too? I feel like there's something going on that I don't know about, that one day you might need me. So do I hang on? I don't know.

I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed and replaced in my whole life. You trust someone to not hurt you, but they do anyways. I should have learnt by now, but I guess I never will.

When you're mad as hell at someone and all you wanna do is walk up to them and bitch slap the stupid out. Like really, why you gotta be a douchebag?!? Isn't the world full of enough idiots and cuntbags without adding your spectacular essence to it? Shit.