Ad maiora natus sum

Filch groaned from the front. “Oh, bleeding—are you lot incapable of staying together for five goddamn minutes?!”

“He had the torch,” Gideon muttered.

“He was the only one besides staff who had a torch,” Marlene hissed, gripping her wand. “And he’s a Black, so now we’re all gonna die looking for him, and Sirius is gonna have a breakdown and cry about it.”

“I don’t cry,” Sirius snapped. “Also he’s a cockroach. He’ll survive.”

Kettleburn clapped his hands. “Right. Torchbearer’s gone missing. We group up, don’t panic, and follow the trail. We’ll find him.”

Meanwhile—

Regulus was, in fact, not dead.

Just lost. Very.

Torch clutched in one hand, he picked his way down a narrow, muddy trail, muttering to himself.

“I leave you bastards alone for one second—tie my goddamn shoe, ONE second—and you vanish into the trees like Victorian orphans—”

He paused. The woods creaked. The wind moaned.

Something answered, low and rattling.

Regulus stiffened.

Nope. Not doing this.

He tightened his coat and, in a futile attempt to drown out the night’s ambiance of probable murder, began singing under his breath.

🎵“I—I’m not your steppin’ stone—”🎵

His voice wavered, breath frosting in the beam of his light.

🎵“I—I’m not your steppin’ sto-o-oone…”🎵

“Regulus!”

He screamed. Loudly. Dramatically. Almost fell over.

“HOLY SHIT—” he gasped. “There you guys are! I thought you ditched me!”

Pandora sprinted forward and punched his shoulder. “We ditched you?! What the hell, Reg?!”

“I looked away for one second—ONE! Second!” he cried. “To tie my shoe!”

Barty squinted. “What were you even doing out here?”

“Dunno,” Regulus shrugged. “Seducing the local cryptids or something.”

“Oh my God,” Lily muttered.

He gestured vaguely with the torch. “Mostly I was trying to drown out the weird forest moaning noises so I could pretend I wasn’t being followed by something that wants to kill me and eat my spine like a curly fry.”

Dorcas blinked. “Wait—followed by—?”

And then, something cracked in the distance.

Loud. Wrong. Echoing.

Everyone froze.

The woods around them rustled.

Something circled.

Then came the growl. Low. Wet. Hungry.

Frank said, very softly, “We’re all gonna die.”

The trees exploded.

A beast surged from the thicket—towering, horrific, a mass of bramble and bone and fur and teeth, impossibly tall, glowing eyes like wildfire, antlers tangled with vines and rot. It moved like shadow. Like hunger.

Pandora screamed.

Peter screamed louder.

Sirius actually said, “WHAT THE FUCK—”

Kettleburn shoved the students behind him, wand raised. “STAY BACK!”

The beast snarled. Kettleburn cast a shield—too slow. The creature swiped with a claw like a tree trunk, hurling the professor across the clearing like a doll.

Everyone screamed.

James tried to hex it. It absorbed the spell like mist.

Marlene was sobbing.

Dorcas was already trying to drag Regulus away—but the creature’s eyes locked on him.

Regulus didn’t move. Couldn’t. He was frozen. Breath caught. Feet nailed to the earth.

The creature stepped closer.

Gideon whispered, “Shit, it’s gonna eat him.”

Then—shockingly—the creature reached out with one massive clawed hand…

And gently stroked Regulus’s hair.

Everyone paused.

“What the fuck,” Barty whispered.

Regulus blinked, dazed. “Um.”

The creature… purred? A horrible, echoing rumble.

It nuzzled Regulus.

“Okay,” he said flatly. “What is happening.”

“Don’t move,” Sirius hissed.

“I’m not moving—!”

The creature made a low crooning sound, then, without warning, grabbed Regulus and hauled him into its arms like a bride at a forest wedding.

“AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH—”

“Oh my god it’s kidnapping him!” Mary shrieked.

“No—no—wait—” Evan choked on a laugh. “It’s cuddling him—!”

Regulus was stiff as a board, flailing, face bright red.

“Why is it nuzzling him!?” Lily yelled.

“I THINK I SEDUCED IT!” Regulus shrieked.

“You WHAT?!” Gideon shouted.

“HELP ME!” Reg screamed. “IT’S TRYING TO SNIFF MY SOUL!”

Kettleburn, limping back into the clearing with a broken wand and an arm that definitely wasn’t meant to bend that way, gawked.

“Oh—Merlin’s left tit—”

“You know what that is?!” Sirius bellowed.

“I do,” Kettleburn wheezed. “It’s a Sîor-Síorath. Ancient creature. Semi-sentient. Territorial. Mating season.”

“Mating what?” Regulus said faintly.

The creature licked the side of his face.

“OH GOD.”

“I think it’s courting you,” Kettleburn said, slightly horrified.

Regulus screamed again. “IT’S TRYING TO BREED ME—!”

The beast began pawing at his robes. Buttons flew.

Barty covered his mouth, dying of laughter. “It’s undressing him—”

“I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN IF I LEFT THE DORMS,” Reg wailed.

Pandora screamed, “PUT HIM DOWN YOU FERAL HORNED BASTARD!”

The creature growled.

Everyone screamed again.

“Do something!” Lily shouted at Kettleburn.

“I’m TRYING,” he wheezed. “I’ve never had a student get seduced by a forest god before!”

“REGULUS,” Dorcas yelled, “TELL IT YOU’RE NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP!”

“WHAT DO YOU THINK I’VE BEEN DOING?!”

The beast sniffed him again. Reg was now missing half his shirt. There were twigs in his hair. He looked like a damsel in a Gothic painting and was fully prepared to pass out.

“Somebody hex it!” Mary cried.

“It’s immune to hexes!” Kettleburn barked. “It only respects dominance displays!”

Sirius groaned, “Oh for FUCK’S sake.”

He marched forward, wand out, barking like an alpha wolf.

The creature blinked at him.

“BACK OFF!” Sirius shouted, flaring his magic like a show of teeth. “He’s mine!”

Regulus blinked. “WHAT—”

The creature growled.

“BACK! OFF!” Sirius roared, eyes blazing.

The Sîor-Síorath stared.

Then, reluctantly, it set Regulus down.

The moment he was free, Regulus hit the ground and shrieked, “SOMEONE GIVE ME A CLOAK, I FEEL VIOLATED—”

Pandora flung hers over him.

The beast gave Sirius one last threatening snarl—then slunk back into the forest.

Everyone stood in stunned, horrified silence.

Barty clapped once. “Ten out of ten. Would watch again.”

“Don’t talk to me,” Regulus snapped.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked gently.

“I was dry humped by a tree demon,” Regulus said hollowly. “I’m gonna need so much therapy.”

Sirius patted his back. “Hey, at least it liked you.”

Regulus screamed.

Kettleburn wheezed. “New rule. Detention no longer takes place in the forest. Ever.”

Everyone agreed.

Regulus just curled into Pandora’s cloak and whispered, “I’m never going outside again.”

Nobody moved for a full minute.

The wind creaked. The trees whispered like gossips. Somewhere, an owl hooted ominously.

Regulus was still on the ground, clutching Pandora’s cloak around his bare shoulders like a Victorian housewife after a scandal.

“I think,” said Fabian slowly, voice cracked with disbelief, “we just witnessed Regulus Black get raw-dogged by a cryptid.”

“I DID NOT,” Regulus snapped, face flaming. “It didn’t—it didn’t get that far! It just—just tried to!”

Peter was crying from laughter. “It licked your neck!”

“It undressed you!” Mary howled.

“It tried to breed you like a prized mare,” Barty added, eyes shining.

“STOP SAYING THAT WORD!” Regulus shrieked, shivering.

Kettleburn—still half-limping, still bloodied from being yeeted across the clearing—rubbed his temples and let out a noise of exhausted horror.

“I forgot to mention,” he muttered.

Everyone turned.

“Forgot to what?” Sirius said flatly.

Kettleburn sighed. “That species—the Sîor-Síorath—they, uh... mate for life.”

Regulus blinked. “I’m sorry?”

“They’re monogamous. Very territorial. Once they pick a mate, they… don’t change their minds.”

Silence.

Then:

“EXCUSE ME?” Regulus shrieked.

“They’re known to be incredibly protective. Possessive. Aggressive toward anything they perceive as… competition.”

Sirius paled. Visibly. “...Competition?”

Kettleburn gave him a pitying look. “If it saw you assert dominance to ‘claim’ Regulus, then, yes. You’re its main rival now.”

“Oh my god,” Lily whispered.

“Oh my God,” Regulus breathed. “I’m married.”

Dorcas was wheezing.

Pandora doubled over laughing.

Evan whispered reverently, “Your husband’s twelve feet tall and made of trees.”

“HE IS NOT MY HUSBAND!”

“Divorce him then,” Barty said with a shrug. “Oh wait, you can’t.”

“I am going to throw myself into the lake!” Regulus screeched.

“You’re not safe there either,” Kettleburn added unhelpfully. “They’re known to track their mates across mountains. Swim rivers. Tunnel through solid stone—”

“WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT?!”

“You need to understand the severity—”

Regulus’s whole body flinched like a haunted cat. “I’M NEVER LEAVING THE CASTLE AGAIN. EVER. I AM A TOWER BRIDE NOW. A CURSED TOWER BRIDE!”

He spun wildly, eyes wide, torch beam flicking like a lighthouse of despair.

“Wait. WAIT. I’m still in the forest.”

Everyone stared as he slowly turned toward Kettleburn. Face blank. Hollow.

“Nope. Nope nope nope,” he muttered.

And then, without warning, Regulus launched himself at the professor and climbed him like a cat scaling a tree during fireworks.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH—GET ME OUT—GET ME OUT—GET ME OUT RIGHT NOW—”

Kettleburn wheezed, off-balance, as Regulus clung to his back, arms and legs wrapped tight around him like a clingy baby monkey.

“What the fuck, Reg!” Sirius shrieked.

“I AM NOT GETTING FUCKED IN A MOSSY LOVE NEST BY A WALKING FOREST FIRE!”

“Jesus Christ—”

“DO I LOOK LIKE A WHINY SUBMISSIVE BOTTOM WHO WANTS TO GET BRED BY A NATURE DEMON?”

“YOU ACT LIKE ONE!” Barty screamed, tears in his eyes.

“I DON’T WANT TO BE THE LEAD IN A CREATURE PORNO!”

Everyone lost it.

Marlene screamed.

Mary fell over.

Gideon was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe.

Sirius was sobbing into James’ shoulder.

Pandora howled, “You literally seduced him!”

“I WAS SINGING TO CALM MYSELF DOWN!”

“That was mating behaviour to him, dumbass!” Dorcas cackled.

Regulus shrieked into Kettleburn’s neck. “HE THOUGHT I WAS SERENADING HIM!”

“Regulus,” Alice managed between gasps, “you are literally his little forest bride now.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—”

And that was when the woods rustled again.

Louder this time.

All laughter stopped.

Everyone froze.

The trees moved—shifted—breathed.

Somewhere behind them, the growl returned. Slow. Hungry.

Regulus let out a sound that could only be described as demonic panic.

“IT’S BACK,” he screamed.

He clung harder to Kettleburn like a backpack of trauma.

“RUN,” Lily gasped.

“RUN WHERE?” Frank shouted.

“ANYWHERE THAT’S NOT HERE!” yelled James.

“I AM NOT GOING BACK TO HIS CAVE!” Regulus wailed.

“You have a cave already?” Peter gawked.

“NO—YES—MAYBE—I DON’T KNOW—”

The growl got louder.

Evan screamed. Barty screamed louder. Marlene screamed loudest.

“I AM A CHILD OF GODRIC!” Regulus sobbed. “I DESERVE BETTER THAN BEING A TREE WIFE!”

Filch, appearing out of the mist with a lantern and blood on his lip, looked around at the screaming students, the howling in the trees, the professor piggybacking a student mid-hysteria, and deadpanned—

“What in the fuck is happening.”

No one answered.

They just ran.

And from the trees, deep and guttural, a howl followed them.

Possessive.

Calling.

Coaxing.

And Regulus, sobbing into Kettleburn’s shoulder, knew—