This week has been a duzy but itās really really opening me up to my power, sharpening my voice, and thickening my skin. Itās been painful and depleting to my ego hahah but I guess Iām thankful for the moves being made because I can feel it as necessary to my spiritual growth. Iām just feeling rather raw and vulnerable and... confused? I attended my meditation class at the Metaphysical Chapel Iāve been a member of for over a decade. We give lessons and psychic messages every service, itās really a unique place and on Tuesdays we have class where we learn how to GIVE messages and better learn the skills of connecting to and reading from spirit. I hadnāt been for a while because I was recently diagnosed with COVID. Quarantined for four weeks, in my house, alone, the whole deal. (I survived, I am heathy, it wasnāt that bad, Iāve had colds and flus that were worse.) However, in many other ways it was.... revealing. I needed it. I was able to slow down and reprioritize. I actually quit one of my jobs all together, I got work done around my house Iād been putting off FOR YEARS, and overall became infinitely happier! I will admit being alone that long probably did make me crazy. Probably did make me a little off balance. DEFINITELY made me a lil nervous being reintroduced into the world again. DEFINITELY triggered some underlying social anxiety Iād been dealing with for years (post trauma). But on Tuesday, that particular night, I was feeling really good. I was excited to see everyone from church. Iād been missing the class. And I knew I needed some extra healing. I was crying all day Monday, but I came to church with a happy face and eager heart.
The night started with our president, Larry (this sweet lil scrawny old man with the biggest heart of anyone I know) talking about how he āstarted a fightā earlier in the week. Now, I know Larry and I knowwww there is NO WAY he intentionally started a fight so I LAUGHED. He was feeling all guilty because he has been having a homeless man live in his garage and apparently heās overstayed his welcome (like has lived there for over a year now.) Well he gave his phone number to his sister and they donāt get along or something blah blah blah anyway, the two of them got into this hugeeee fight and Larry felt AWFUL. He started talking about how thoughts and words are prayers no matter how we use them, because all thoughts and words once released from us, carry their own vibration and therefore their own consciousness. Interesting. I can get behind the logic. He explained that you must be careful with every word that you use because the intention and the vibration behind the word carries weight. Well it ended up turning into this whoooole debate because Pam didnāt think it was necessarily a āprayerā because prayers are requests for divine intervention from God, The Highest Power, Source Energy, The Universe, etc. Makes sense. So at this point everyone is friendly debating and everyone is throwing in their opinion. Larry canāt hear very well so heās constantly like, WHAATTTT and then weāre screaming and repeating hahaha itās was absolutely... comical. Iām just laughing in the corner occasionally giving my input. This middle-aged man, Neil, is in the opposite corner across from me and he is NOT amused. He keeps repeating, āthis is CHAOSā, ātonight is absolutely CHAOTIC.ā I looked at him like, I knowwww so funny. But it honestly made me laugh because it didnāt do anything except add to the chaos hahaha.
At one point, I had a thought (because Larry was so down on himself for starting all of this drama), I said, āLarry, maybe you had to make the first move to ignite it all because if not it never was gonna. It sounds to me like the two of them had always had conflict and negative energy between them and itād just been sitting stagnant. Maybe you had to be the one to stir it all up and get the energy moving because without you nothing would ever be resolved. Itās not because you did anything bad, it was just the two of them had some sort of lesson or karma to be worked out and you happened to be the one to get the ball rolling.ā I said, āyour intentions were pure, you always do everything with pure intentions. Donāt let this worry you too much.ā After that, Neil spoke for the first time in a while and said, āwhoa whoa whoa that is a very dynamic lesson I wouldnāt go there!ā And I was like āhuh?ā Because I had no idea what he was talking about or why that was so forbidden. It felt right. It felt like I shared it from my heart. Then he was like, āwhoās universe am I even in right now???ā And this woman in the back was like, āyour own!ā And I was like, āthatās the beauty of it weāre all in our own individual universes, separate but together!ā And he just starred me down. It. Was. Weird.
So anyway, after deciding that maybe the entire fight happened just so that we could have that very discussion in class we let it go. We moved on to our 20 minute group meditation. We came back to our bodies and we shared about our individual experiences and we gave messages to anyone we received one for.... now my meditation was interesting. It was the first time that I received healing for myself rather quickly and I was immediately able to tap into the energies of everyone in class and see and feel and understand them! I was so excited. In the past, Iād been so consumed with my own trauma that I hadnāt been able to move past much of the self healing and guidance. But Iāve really been doing a lot of work to let stuff go. So I was feeling proud. However, now that it was time to share I was NERVOUS. Iād never given messages before. Iād never shared anything but my own experience in detail, now all of a sudden I donāt know if Iām doing it right because it is so foreign. It really is the craziest experience trying to trust what youāre getting and stepping out of your own way. But then youāre like why else am I seeing this? It has to be? Idk. But itās class! And weāre learning! Thatās the whole point. So Iām like hell yeah! Iām gonna share! So itās my turn and I was kinda scattered, bouncing around describing my visions in detail, remember bits and pieces, nervous to be well-received. Idk... everyone was so thankful and I was riding the vibe. I get to Neil, I saw him sitting in a chair with his legs crossed, he was wearing these black thick rimmed glasses with the tape around the middle (and I just had to laugh. It was like spirit was emphasizing the nerdiness ya know.) And he was surrounded by aaaall these books. He was reading and reading flipping through pages, devouring these books. And then all of a sudden he stood up, ripped his glasses off, threw them over his shoulder dramatically, and he marched out a door that appeared before him. And the way I interpreted it was that heād been studying and studying and studying from spirit and now it was time to take all of that knowledge and go live it. So whenever I was done he was like, āOhhh okay wow are you calling me a spiritual nerd?ā And I was laughing like, āhahaha whoa Iām not but I guess spirit is!ā And he was like, āwell I guess I canāt argue with that.ā And that was the end of it. I didnāt think I was offensive. I was just explaining what I saw. It was cute and it was funny. Whatever.
So then it was his turn to give messages. And he went around and I could tell he purposefully came to me last. He was like, okay well look, I donāt even know where to begin, youāre like a Disney Princess (I was like yasssss šš¼) and he was like and it was chaotic. That was absolute chaos. Do you understand? (and I was like oh, wow... deflated when I realized he was being insulting and realizing now that he was referring to aaaalll the chaos from earlier as my fault too) he was like I see it kinda like the movie Fantasia, there are these things with the broad shoulders marching around in a line blocking you from spiraling up the mountain and youāre fighting off all these dragons that keep popping out at you... it was iiiiiinteresting to watch š„“ but youāre getting there. Youāre almost to the top. Itās just chaotic to witness. And he like, shuttered.
At this point, I am like a bright red cherry tomato. I want to cry. I was so embarrassed. I felt like I had just done something wrong. I felt like he just jabbed me in the heart. Like I know I can be kind of scatterbrained and chaotic but I donāt think itās necessarily a bad thing? At least I shared anything at all!! Like after that message I wanted to fade into the pew, become one with the wood and disappear into the floor, slide out the door, run to my car, and never come back to chapel ever again.... I felt triggered. Like I was taken back to the days just after my trauma. Like I was worried about being the bad vibes in the room so I BECAME the bad vibes in the room. Like everything would have been better without me there. Like I was a joke and everyone was laughing at how dumb I was. I was so confused. I sat there staring at the woman sharing her experience but completely withdrawn from reality I was seeing colors, like a glossy film over life. I didnāt hear a word she said. Now messages are done. Weāre all saying goodbyes. I want to melt to my car so I donāt have to speak to anyone after Iād just been so excited to be there. I was questioning all of the messages I gave like did I do something wrong, did I not give them right??? Iām walking towards the door. Kay was like, āthank you so much for sharing your messages today Emily! Iām so proud of you!ā And I was like āyeah my first time...ā emphasizing likeeee I had no idea what I was doing. Did I just insult everyone??? Did my messages not come from a place of love like I thought?? Idk I was so so embarrassed.
I drove the long way home. I was burning hot. It felt like my insides were on fire. I wanted to puke. I came home and took a longggg cold shower. Washed away the whole experience. Washed away my anxieties and I started to see it with a little clarity. Iām going to go back next Tuesday and apologize for my chaotic energy. I could feel his words, though extremely harsh, balancing me out. I need to explain that I donāt mean to steal the stage and let my ego run rampant and think everything is about me. I need to learn to be a little more humble and sit in the corner quietly and give input when called upon. Itās just that I went thru some crazy eff-ing shit in the past. I know itās no excuse, but I didnāt use my voice when I needed to, for sooooo long it was like someone was holding a hand over my mouth and I couldnāt share my truths and I was too scared to talk. I realized the gravity of my words and it scared me so much I just didnāt use them at all. Which actually made the situation even WORSE and hurts me even MORE, and I think that made the pendulum swing toooo far the other way to where now I canāt stop talking... Iām really working on myself. That lesson from Neil and from the Universe seemed aggressive and harsh, but if itās going to bring radical change into my life, I guess Iām thankful for it, and I guess I can handle it. Iām still learning to balance these energies! Itās a fine line between light and dark. I want to be of service and share my light. But I donāt wanna put myself on an egotistical pedestal to do it. Not my intention. I just donāt understand what Iām supposed to do.
I kept going back and forth like? Did he do this because he was wounded by what I said to him and felt the need to retaliate? Is that how it works? Or was this really spirits way of humbling me because I gave messages wrong? I donāt really understand the whole process and Iām still confused. I go back and forth between being so embarrassed I never want to give messages ever again... and wanting to march in there with my head held high, trusting myself and my actions. Just carrying myself with more confidence, more reserved within myself, not so silly, out there, and whimsical. Idk to me that always felt more joyous. But I guess that is not always practical.
I know this was long. And idk if anyone will ever read it. It was more for myself. But I am still confused. Iād love some feedback, thoughts or guidance. Maybe you can relate, maybe you understand energetically where Iām coming from. If anyone out there stuck out this story and has some advice for me Iād love to discuss!
