givememynameplease

to my friends who I am still in contact with, those who I lost contact with, those who were still around and those who, like me, have emerged from the woodwork due to tragedy - I love you I see you I’m thinking of you

it’s heartbreaking because he was so obviously struggling and that had a direct impact on the way he treated the people in his life. a consequence of the fame machine. it’s an ugly feeling to know that this person did inexcusable things but will never have the chance to rectify anything, nor will the people affected be able to get closure. and the 15 year old girl in me is sobbing in her room but the 28 year old me is trying to understand how to grieve something that she thought was going to be part of her forever

I really thought grief was just a constant state of catatonia but I’m entirely wrong bc you feel like you’re normal and okay for maybe most of the day but then it creeps up on you again and chokes you all out of nowhere and then you rebound and feel okay again and then there it is creeping up on you again and it literally never ends it’s like motion sickness

and sometimes it's like a slap in the face. You're sitting there, laughing with your best friend, eating ice cream and suddenly you remember. Its like grief punches you in the throat and there's nothing you can do but act normal, despite brain freeze, smile freeze, hands shaking, heart aching. Whiplash of guilt and sorrow and despair all in 0.0001 seconds.

In another universe the boys weren’t overworked, in another universe the boys were protected from older women and the media. in another universe maybe zayn stayed. in another universe the boys reconciled. in another universe they remained brothers until they were old and gray. in another universe liam recovered and found peace.

i have no idea how to process this. it’s not unfathomable and it’s something i’ve thought about many times but i don’t actually know how to process it. what do you mean he was such an integral part of me growing up and he did some fucked up things in part bc of the fucked up environment he grew up in and now he’s DEAD and can’t do anything to try and make amends. what do u mean the boys now means harry louis liam niall zayn. what do you mean he left behind a child less than 10 years old. what the fuck do you mean

i think part of it is just that i didn’t know him. he was in my phone and in my laptop singing in my ears for a decade but i didn’t know him. i never met him. i never spoke to him. how the hell am i supposed to grieve for someone so intangible when he will continue to be in my phone and in my laptop and continue to sing in my ears.

seeing so many people who haven’t been here for a while . we’re all family and will always be . what we got to experience is rare and precious . hope time will allow us to look back at it with joy and peace again . hugging all of you tight

I will never ever deadname a person but goddammit I will deadname Twitter until the day I die